The Chronicles of Not Enough

I've moved!

2010-10-03T12:53:00.000-07:00

Or, rather, I'm in the process of moving. Check out my new blog - Emergency Breakthrough.

Life, Homeschool, and a Forks Teaser

2010-09-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

This is the 5th first sentence I've written for this blog. I do that a lot. I try something; it doesn't work. Then I try another. Fail. Rinse and repeat.

I feel like my writing is a little sub-standard at the moment. I'm pretty exhausted. These past couple weeks have just wiped me out. And I've spent the last 2 days pouring over school books, trying to catch up with my studies (because the 1st week I didn't have the books, the 2nd week I went to Forks, the 3rd week I spent all my spare time packing, and the 4th week we moved in and our car broke down on the way to school). I am a painfully slow reader, but I'm getting there. And I feel pretty confident that once I get caught up, keeping up will be fairly easy.

Hanging out with my favorite people.

Jermaine has been helping out a lot with homeschool. He's such a good teacher. By the time he leaves, I'll be caught up with seminary and have time for homeschool and my school everyday, but right now he's absolutely a lifesaver.

Here are a few Sadie School projects we've been working on:

She wrote a poem the other day in the car. Rather, she thought one up, recorded it on my phone and then wrote it down when she got home. Next, she'll type it up and share it with you. :)
We've been reading through the Chronicles of Narnia together. I read a chapter every night - and two nights ago we finished the first book, The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe. We're reading Prince Caspian now. It's especially great fun because I do all the accents.
We have several workbooks going. BrainQuest has a workbook with a bunch of subjects. She did a lot of work with US geography today. We have a couple of Sylvan books - one for math and one for language arts. She's been working on long and short vowels in the one, and basic multiplication in the other.
I got a Gifted and Talented workbook, too. It's main purpose is to foster critical thinking. She is very smart, but often lacks confidence and asks questions to which she already knows the answers. I had her open the book, and without any instruction from me (there were instructions on her sheet), she was to fill out the first page. It happened to be on synonyms. I was really proud - she easily read the instructions on her own and knew what a synonym was! She got a lot of the answers correct -and what she got wrong was because she didn't know the meanings of the words.
We've been practicing handwriting, penmanship and basic grammar. She, like me, tries to write too fast and gets sloppy.
We are working on a project helping Polaris Project come up with a party guide for people who want to host events to raise awareness about human trafficking. We are going to create a short video together explaining what trafficking is and how people (and kids!) can help (and stay safe!).

Heh. I had planned on writing about day 3 in Forks. That hasn't really panned out yet. I think . . . hmmm. Let's do a teaser instead:

Sunday

We woke up Sunday morning just feeling right. Fully relaxed, the day stretched out wide in front of us. Andrea had gotten up early again. Unfortunately, it was officially raining in Forks (finally). She didn't mind, except that there was, of course, no sunrise. I woke up around 7:30. I then came to the revolutionary conclusion that I was born to be on West Coast time. This explains why I'm happiest waking up here in Maryland at 10am and going to bed around 1am. When I have been on the west coast (the 3 times anyway) I've woken up gloriously early and felt sleepy before midnight!

Anyhoo. We wafted down to breakfast. This particular morning we were greeted with an invitation to enjoy French toast stuffed with apples and walnuts - and we did! I drank deeply my coffee from their pretty handthrown ceramic mugs (the best part of waking up). Bill, our host, informed everyone that high tide at 1st Beach was at 9:30am - and that that was the best time to go. We decided to drop everything and head over there, something neither of us normally have the luxury of doing. We borrowed raincoats from the Inn and headed down the road . . .

To be continued. ;)

PS. If you think that you might die before I finish the rest of the writings about Forks (and you want to read about it before you do), take heart - Andrea finished all of her blogs! She, as you know, has a tendency to be one (or five) steps ahead of me. Hanging out with her for those few days and then going back and reading her blogs (that were, although they recorded the same events, very different from mine), I realized something. God has given her the gift of details. He's given me the gift of the big picture. I can tell you what it all means; she can tell you everything. Jermaine is a details person, too. But in a much different way, I think. He looks at the specifics for the beauty he might find in the little things. Andrea looks at details (as I look at the big picture) in a more practical way - to discover what it means and what we have to do next. None of these ways are wrong; all three are beautiful. And I feel blessed to have gained this bit of insight (especially about myself - I think it will help guard against certain frustrations that I have commonly faced to know that I am not, by nature, a woman of details (although, as I'm sure you've seen, I use them to get to the big picture)).

Huh. That was quite a long PS. Thank you for reading my blog. ;)

Fascinating People

2010-09-26T15:22:00.000-07:00

I'm in a poetic sort of place.
I want to tell you a story.
My story.
In a rhythmatic sort of way.
And make up words.
Because I can.
Because I can't be bothered with rules
Right now.

This week I read The War of Art.
Pressfield said,
Among other gems.
That people do drugs
To get to the (their) authentic Self.
That fascinates me.

And, I think
Explains why addicts are
Such interesting people.
Because though the method may be flawed.

The motive is intensely pure and inspiring.

Other people try other ways, too.
We cut.
We starve.
We shop.
We steal.
We smoke.
We consume.

And we condemn.

But if we take a moment to ponder
The motive is intensely pure and inspiring.

We were created for a purpose.
We were not told what it was but instead
We were given the task of hashing it out.

Of fighting to find it.

We cannot be anything we want to be.

I could not be a brain surgeon.
Or a telemarketer.

My hands shake too much.

But if we dare.
If we jump.
We will find that thing which we were made for.
Our hearts will sing the most beautiful song
We have ever heard
And we will need not our coping mechanisms.

Take heart, dear one.
Your vice.
Your pain.
Your crutch.
That thorn you hate makes you

Intensely pure and inspiring.

Day of Firsts

2010-09-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely spent. I was up until 2am last night finishing my very first seminary paper. And then back up at 5am to get ready for school. Jermaine drove me so that he could have the car, and he went to bed even later than me! As you can probably imagine, the drive to Wesley was a drowsy one. But I was happy - the sun was coming up, I was getting to spend a little extra time with Jermaine and we were actually running early!

A flower from the gorgeous American University Campus.

Well, at first. Then the car died. That was awesome.

Our friend, Priscilla, graciously agreed to come pick us up (to take me the rest of the way to school and to take Sadie and Jermaine home). Such a sweet gal. As she drove me to school, I wondered how I was going to get home tonight. Jermaine suggested I take the bus, but I was stubborn. I've never ridden on a bus before and I was a little afraid.

I made it to my first class, but shortly after that, I hit a wall. I was exhausted. And frustrated. We found out the car was going to cost $800 to fix. It's not even worth that much! On to top it all off, Jermaine is leaving in less than two weeks and I'm panicking a bit. It's just come up so fast.

Around noon I decided that I couldn't make it the rest of the day. With this cop out, I solemnly promised not to miss anymore class. But for today, I sincerely believe it was a good idea to go home.**

I dragged myself to the Metro. When I got off I began the search of finding the correct bus stop - a task that has always terrified me slightly. It didn't help that there were 8 different ones. I walked a half a mile to mine only to discover that it was the wrong one. I was so sleepy.

Eventually I found the right number. Unfortunately that particular stop (or was it all of them?) was in the process of being taken over by stink bugs. A few flew on me. I squeaked and flailed. My fellow bus-riders were not amused. It didn't help my cause that I had to ask about fare (I had no idea what forms of payment they took). The total amounted to $1.70 and I was glad I could pay in cash but for some unknown reason I had only dimes and nickels in my purse. I finally scrounged up enough change and sat warily (for fear of stink bugs) waiting for my bus to come.

It was nearly 90 degrees. I was sweaty and exhausted. I know I'm blessed. I know how fortunate I am to have the opportunity to attend seminary, to homeschool my daughter and to write. But at that very moment I didn't feel very fortunate at all. Actually, I felt kind of gross.

Then I got a text. I opened up my phone to see what Jermaine had written (he had sweetly offered to come and wait for me at the other end of my bus destination). I wasn't prepared for this:

"YOU WERE SELECTED FOR THE INDIA TRIP!!!" << (Note the multiple exclamations!)

Holy eff! I almost started to cry! The email was supposed to come yesterday. When it didn't, I thought I hadn't made the cut. I praised God in that bus station, humbled and exuberant.

That was the turning point of the day. The rest has gone just fine. That text guided me - enabling me to put everything in perspective.

I get to spend two weeks of my life this coming January loving others who need to be loved. I get to teach my daughter about human trafficking (a cause that I care about deeply), and about India, a country that has captured my heart. Details to come, of course.

I need to end this. We don't have internet in our new place yet - we are all at a bookstore right now (Sadie is having free reading time - where she can pick whatever book she wants regardless of the grade level - and she is absolutely loving it). But we need to start walking home.

Thanks for reading my blog!

Forks: the play by play (Day Two)

2010-09-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

One of the amazing shots Andrea took Saturday morning.

It's 6am and it's Move Day. I went to bed around 2am and I was hoping I'd get more sleep than this but feet woke me up, itching (I got some ants bites the other night while sitting around a beautiful fire). I'd set my alarm for 7am and I know if I lie back down I will sleep through my alarm.

But this is good, right? I will be tired at the end of the day, but I am excited enough to push through and, plus, I have a lot of work to do. We are picking up the keys at 10am and I still have a little bit of packing left; I wouldn't be able to blog if I haven't gotten up this early.

Okay, let's get on with Forks!

Saturday

Andrea got up early. She went for a walk and watched the sun come up through the fog. She took some incredible pictures. I was a little sad that I'd missed the sunrise, but mostly happy for her. She needed the peace and quiet more than I did. I woke up around 7:30 and we wandered down to breakfast. As soon as we opened our bedroom door, the scent of home cooking wafted into our nostrils.

Some people were already downstairs eating. We chose a table and Bill, our most gracious host, asked us if we wanted Italian Eggs a la Edward. We did, of course, and so his wife Susan began to prepare our meal. I had never had Italian Eggs - an egg (perhaps poached) sitting onto of a slice of French bread with marinara and pesto sauce. This is not the type of thing that I would normally order so I had no idea how delicious it was going to be. We ate filled with gratitude. It was the perfect start to a vacation day.

After breakfast we got ready to begin our Forks adventures. I had Andrea take a picture of me with our rental car, whom we'd named Lola (Lily was our GPS). I really liked Lola. She starts with the push of a button and gets the best gas mileage of any car I'd ever known.

Me and Lola.

The view from the porch.

We went to Bella's booksale first. We got some books for our kids. I found a book by an emergent pastor from Port Angeles and another called Adventures in Prayer from the 1970s. In it, a name and address from Washington was scribbled. We meandered around Forks for a while, taking pictures at the hospital. Which, we agreed, was kind of a weird thing to do. We had a bit of trouble finding Dr. Cullen's parking spot. After circling the building a couple times, a very nice man on a tractor helped us locate it. Dr. Cullen does not, by the way, get to park close to the entrance.

Bella's booksale at the Forks Library.

Dr. Cullen's special spot.

After that we took a tour of the high school. Our guide actually attends Forks High School. I really felt that the people that had worked to put the tour together had gone to a lot of trouble to add some special touches. This was the first time it hit me that the people putting on Stephanie Meyer Weekend were local people who lived and breathed Forks. It wasn't a grand commercial endeavor. I thought that was pretty cool.

The high school is small, but it's divided
up into a couple of buildings and our guide said
that walking to and from was no fun at all in
the Forks rain.

Our guide kind of looks like Jessica, I think.

Token picture with the sign.

After the tour we went to the park. Again, local people made this happen. The more that hit me the more my more my gratitude for this special place grew.

This is one of my favorite pictures.

These people were look-alikes. James is on the left.
Jacob is on my other side. The girl on the right is
supposed to be Bella, I believe, but I think
she looks more like Jessica.

Andrea and I with Bella's truck.

We took a group shot at the park. And afterwards, we drove the 15 miles to La Push. We ended up at 2nd Beach, because we were told it was prettier than 1st Beach. We knew we had to walk through the forest to get to the beach, but we didn't realize that it was a 1 1/2 mile hike. I'm so glad we didn't. Andrea wouldn't have gone if she had known and we never would have gotten to experience that beautiful hike (which she ended up actually enjoying).

My camera is not meant for taking jumping pictures,
but that didn't stop me!

Andrea walks faster than I do, so I ended
up with a lot of pictures of the
back of her head.

This was when the peace really started to sink in.

This walk was the pivotal moment for me. This is the point in the trip where I truly left all of my anxieties behind and was truly able to just be. This is where I fell in love with Washington. I feel like this hike changed me deep in my core. It enhanced my desire for peace, love and beauty.

A prayer tree where people added rocks, shells, feathers
and notes as a symbol of their prayers.

Close up of the prayer tree.

I'm not sure that the hike was as peaceful for Andrea as it was for me. The beach is her happy place and she was eager to get there. She hadn't been to the west coast since she was born and had promised herself that she would dip her toes into the Pacific Ocean. This act, perhaps, was the moment where she was able to release her east coast anxieties.

I like this shot because of the shoes.

I had to eat my words in this video. Right after I turned the camera off, a huge wave drenched my shoes in cold ocean water.

Soaking wet shoes. :(

I was much happier barefoot.

This doesn't begin to portray the bigness of the beach.

After the beach and the walk back we were officially exhausted, but the good kind of exhausted - the peace-filled kind. We went to eat at the only restaurant in La Push. After living the DC area for the past couple years, it's odd to go to a place where you can't get anything you want. Really refreshing, though. You lose a sense of gratitude when your city constantly spoils you.

Andrea, full of peace, looking out the restaurant
window at 1st Beach.

I took this picture at the restaurant. I
was so happy to finally get a decent
picture of my tattoo.

After the restaurant we attempted to go to a campfire that was supposed to be on the beach. We waited and walked and never found it. I had put my flip flops on and so walking on the dark, windy, cold beach was quite unfun. We eventually gave up and later found out that they'd moved the event to the rec center. This was my least favorite part of the trip, but I was glad it happened after our wonderfully peaceful day. I was armed with enough tranquility to handle it.

We drove home in the dark rainy night on a winding road. I realized, funnily, that I was enjoying the drive! My least favorite thing to do is drive in the rain at night - but on this road with very little traffic, full of the peace of 2nd Beach, it was actually fun. This realization left a deep impression on me. You know those things you hold in your heart as a part of your being? Those things, good or bad, that make up who you think you are? Washington was working to steadily chip away at those things for me. Ever since, I've found myself examining who I am and who I want to be.

We got home around 10pm. Andrea was eager for rest. I poured a glass of wine and enjoyed the last fews moments of the day. We went to bed completely at peace, knowing that the next day had the potential to be just as wonderful as this day had been.

PS. I wrote the first half of this yesterday - this morning, as I type - we are officially moved in!!

Forks: the play by play (Day One)

2010-09-18T17:26:00.000-07:00

My favorite barista at Borders makes the best designs in the coffee.

I'm at Borders right now. And I think I've consumed too much coffee because I'm suddenly feeling very exhausted. But I've been reading The War of Art by Steven Pressfield and in it he talks about this thing called "Resistance", which is basically an evil force that's only goal is to keep people from doing their creative work. And so I want to use the excuse that I'm too tired to blog because I've spent the last two hours working on another project that I'm committed to (putting together a party kit resource list for Polaris Project) but I know my excuse is Resistance and so I'm resisting Resistance and plugging away.

Wow. I think that's the longest starting paragraph I've ever written.

Couple of notes before I get into the goods about Forks:

As you may have noticed, I haven't been writing everyday. I've decided that it doesn't matter. Blogging daily is still the goal. But, I can't make up for the past and I don't care to beat myself up about it. Every day is a new day to try again.
The other day I was struck with what I considered to be brilliant idea. Rob Bell is going to be at MHGS in Seattle on October 30th to talk about the Art of the Sermon. He did a huge conference in Michigan a year or two ago called Poets, Prophets and Preachers. I really wanted to go, but, couldn't, of course. They are eventually coming out on film, but I feel like I've been waiting for a very very long time. So, my brilliant idea was to actually go to Seattle - to make the money via cleaning jobs and fly over there. I talked to Jermaine about it and I decided to pray and then, if I still felt compelled, to go for it. The very same day I was thinking all of this, I happened to check Rob Bell's website aaand unbelievably it had been released!! 5 hours worth of film! Haha! It was like God speaking a big fat NO into my brilliant scheme. A-mazing.
Last night I had the great fortune to go on a date with my husband. We don't get many of those. It was magical. And while on the date I discovered my love of being a tourist in my own town.

Me in downtown Bethesda. It's kinda beautiful there.

We found this at the gift shop and the Regency Hyatt
in Bethesda. Seriously, is this the best Maryland can do??

We went to this awesome French
Country cafe for breakfast called
Le Madeleine. I think it's my new
favorite restaurant.

Okay. Now we can get on with Forks.

Friday

It was mad. We got up at 2:30am in Gloucester to catch a 6:45am flight in Richmond. Effectually, we were tired before we even started. But we didn't care. Both of us had been looking forward to this trip for so long, we could hardly sleep anyway. Neither of us have mastered the art of sleeping on a plane, either, so we read and squirmed in excited anticipation.

Andrea got the window seat.

We got to Seattle around 11am (which was 2pm to us). We had to wait a little while for the car rental which annoyed us because we booked it in January. But the rental people were really nice. And, in all fairness, since they didn't have any mid-size cars readily available, they offered to upgrade us for free, but I wouldn't do it. I had to drive and I'm not comfortable in big vehicles on familiar roads. I didn't want to even think about driving a mini-van in Washington.

The first thing we noticed when we stepped off the plane was that people seemed generally more happy in Washington than they did on the east coast. And, as a result, it seemed, they were nicer. We drove through one of the sketchier parts of Seattle and ended up at Vince's, a cute little Italian restaurant. I got pizza, something I'd been craving for days. Andrea was starting to get a little antsy; she'd planned for us to be arriving in Forks about now, but we hadn't made it out of Seattle. And to make matters worse, my coffee addiction was rearing it's ugly head, so I had to stop and postpone our trip for another couple of moments.

Our first glimpse of downtown Seattle.

Finally, at around 3:30pm, we made it onto the ferry. We parked and walked around. It was a short ferry ride, but it refreshed us somehow. And it gave us the energy to begin the last leg of our trip.

After breathing in airport air all morning,
the Washington wind was glorious.

From the ferry to Forks took about 3 hours. And it was there that things started getting strangely beautiful. We had no idea what we were in for. Route 101, which takes you from Port Angeles to Forks is just swimming with the kind of beauty that makes words fail. The entire journey took about 20 hours and we were verifiably exhausted, but, at this point, more than ever, WE DIDN'T CARE. We knew it was going to be worth it.

The beauty between Port Angeles and Forks.

On this day we watched the sun coming up
at an airport in Richmond, VA and watched it
go down in the Olympic Peninsula in Washington.

About 5 miles away from Forks we got pulled over for speeding. It was the craziest thing. Normally, I'm terrified in those situations and it felt like a ticket would be a bad start. But, I didn't feel scared, I thought to myself, "Eh, it wouldn't be the end of the world." The cop approached our window . . .

He was so nice.

He said he'd pulled us over because we were going 60 in a 50, but that 10 miles over wasn't that bad. He asked where we were going and when we said Forks, he smiled kindly. And he knew the owners of the Inn where we were staying, he remarked that they were very kind. He told us he didn't want to give us a ticket and ruin our weekend, he just wanted us to be safe. What we thought might be a bad omen, turned out to be a highlight of our trip!

This was just after getting pulled over. We finally made it!

FINALLY, at around 6:30pm, we made it to the Miller Tree Inn. I'd never stayed at a Bed and Breakfast and I wasn't expecting the sheer amount of hospitality. It was overwhelming and wonderful. I think I almost cried, but then, as you know, it doesn't take much. Forks Chamber of Commerce has dubbed this B&B "The Cullen House" and it was over-the-top. Bella's birthday decorations hung up everywhere, you could pick which Cullen you thought your room belonged to, and Edward had even written us a letter! The thought that went into everything was humbling.

So so wonderful.

Andrea was so excited to meet
Pocket Edward!

The extra touches were the best.

We put our stuff in our room and drove down to the only Mexican restaurant in town to grab a bite to eat. I felt too tired to eat but I wanted a drink, so after dinner we went to the only grocery store in town to grab some bottled water and a bottle of wine (there was a fridge (stocked with soda), wine glasses and a bottle opener in our room!). We came home to rest up for what we knew was about to be one of the best weekends of our lives.

A waiter at the restaurant jumped in this
shot at the last minute. :)

Oh good grief. I wasn't expecting the first day narrative to take so long. Guess this means I'm going to have to divide it up. Day two coming tomorrow. ;)

Oh Forks, you have my heart.

2010-09-12T16:47:00.000-07:00

I never expected to feel so relaxed.

I expected to have fun. I expected to giggle with my best friend like we were back in high school. I expected to catch Twilight fever (which I totally have, by the way - if I wasn't a Twihard before, I am now).

But peace and calm and beauty - they surround this place. And it totally caught me off guard.

The people are soo nice. They exude warmth and kindness.

I have heard of falling in love with a place, but I've never experienced it until this weekend. I drove home (back to Forks) last night from La Push in the rain and the dark. Normally those factors compose my least favorite driving conditions and I end up gripping the wheel, terrified, just praying for it to be over.

But I actually enjoyed the drive last night! Sure sure, our rental car handles really well and there wasn't a lot of traffic, but I think it was more than that. I think this place has tapped into something inside of me that's enabled me to let go of some of my fear.

That's exciting.

I think DC stresses me out. I like it there. But, Forks (and all of Washington, really) has inspired me to seek out little bits of calm throughout my normal days. I mean, really. If the woods is my happy place, I should definitely go for walks more often.

There isn't one chain restaurant in this place. And I was thinking - I don't know that I've EVER been to a town that didn't at least have a McDonald's or a Burger King. In my life.

That's crazy on so many levels.

Er, um. So I haven't said much about our actual trip. I'll make that my next blog. I'm not really in a "and then we did this, and then we did that" kind of mood.

Thanks for reading! Fun picture time.

Gratitude and Country

2010-09-07T19:06:00.001-07:00

I didn't like my post my last post, so I'm trying again.

First, a list of things I'm thankful for from this week:

New friends. We recently met Nicki and Brandon through my friend, Priscilla. The experience has been life changing. They are HILARIOUS. And I feel like we've known them forever.
Our friend, Elena borrowed our car for a couple weeks. We got it back yesterday and she had filled it up with gas and had it detailed! Sadie got in and exclaimed, "Why does this car smell so GOOD??"
My friend Priscilla is awesome. And for that, I am thankful.
Our church is going through a series of Hope. They had a sharing time last Sunday and I stood up and talked about our marriage and unemployment and the Army. It's amazing to think about what God is doing. Afterward, a couple of people came up to me to introduce themselves and offer their support. I am so thankful for my church family.
God is teaching me so many things right now. It's beautiful.
I have so many amazing friends. It's just ridiculous. I don't deserve them. But I am fall-over thankful that I get to share my life with them.
Andrea and I are going to Forks in THREE DAYS!!!
And, lastly, I got a haircut!

I'm letting my bangs grow out. Sorry the lighting is so bad.

And now, I'd like to take a moment to go back to my country roots. I love this song! Jermaine isn't crazy about it and I'll admit, it's not mind-blowing. But, it gives me chills. :)

Attempting to throw together a blog

2010-09-07T18:18:00.000-07:00

I have a cold and I'm whiny and I'm feeling uninspired. But, I'm trying to keep this blog interesting. I've discovered after three separate attempts, writing about being sick is just not fun to read.

So, I will move on.

Let's see, what is more interesting than being sick? I could post pictures!

Sweet app that Sadie likes!

Um, I don't know. She's at a water fountain. She made a star person out of bendaroos.
I'm not really sure how to narrate this.

Barnes and Noble had this event where you read 8 books and bring the sheet into the store . . .

And you get to pick a free book! This is the one she chose.

We saw this at the bookstore. She LOVES Legos,
but was nervous about making this
because it's "recommended for ages 12+".
I told her that with our ages combined,
we're plenty old enough to figure it out.

Okay. That was a little better than writing about my cough, right? Not much, but hopefully you'll cut me a little slack since I am sick.

I wish I could get more creative, but it turns out, this is all I've got at the moment. Thanks for reading.

No, seriously, thank you

Don't worry - I can't stay boring forever!

First day of seminary!

2010-09-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm exhausted. And I've been imbibing a bit of wine. So I don't feel like writing an essay, buuut, I thought I'd post some fun pictures.

Also - I wanted to share - we officially got approved for an apartment today!!! We move in Sept. 21st. :) Yay!

The following is my day in pictures:

Shhh. Don't wake the sleeping beauties. I had to get up really early.

I had just arrived at Wesley - and I was fresh, smiley and running late.

On my break. Attempting to execute a cool shot at the fair trade coffee shop at American University (which is right next to Wesley).

Standing outside in the bright, sunny AU gardens.

Scwinty, funny face.

Bright sun sad face.

The path back to Wesley from AU.

All this was just after my first class! I had four total. And it was a lot. The last one was the hardest. It was difficult to focus because I was so tired. I'm going to work on getting more sleep Wednesday nights. I'm partially thankful/partially sad that it's only one day a week. The atmosphere is vibrant and healthy. It gives me great joy to be there. I wish I could live and breathe and interact more in that environment. But, honestly, it's good for me to be in the other places I have to be right now - and I'm thankful for them, too!

Okay. That's almost all - except to say that Andrea and I will be heading to Forks in just ONE WEEK! Ooh. I think I need to post a Fab for Forks blog soon!

Good night!

Being 29 on a random Wednesday at midnight

2010-09-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

Man, it feels like I haven't blogged in forever. This is definitely not going to be long. Seminary starts tomorrow, but, I wanted to get back on track. This has been a busy couple of days - homeschool starting, training at work and, of course, school tomorrow. We're having so much fun, though! I feel so ridiculously blessed!

Here are some highlights from the first half of our first week of homeschool (ie: Walker School of Witchcraft and Wizardry).

The very beginning of the very first day.

Our tea party in the mall.

Her certificate for completing a Language Tree video.

Our density science experiment!

The results! Oil is less dense than water - so exciting!

We made a video, too, but it's way too long to post on here. I'm going to try to edit it and put it up later.

Okay. That's all folks. Got to get up early tomorrow. Thanks for reading!

Augusts (or you are beautiful)

2010-08-29T14:48:00.000-07:00

God told me I was beautiful today. I believe him.

I woke up this morning feeling completely off. Someone did something that I didn't like and I was pissed at them. More than that, I was attempting to practice the Sabbath and felt a bit like the forces of evil were doing all they could to thwart my efforts. Of course, I blamed myself.

In the car on the way to church Jermaine and I bickered about which route was better, mostly because we were running late. When we finally got to church I felt very nit-picky and irritable.

During communion I went up to one of our pastors. She asked how I was doing and I gave her the brief, 30 second version. Not good, but for no good reason, as far as I can tell. It seems whenever I try to practice the Sabbath, I instantly stumble upon all these reasons to be stressed or upset. She smiled gently, hugged me and exclaimed, "Brandy, you are beautiful." A timely song called "By your side" by Tenth Avenue North began playing and I tried to hold back my tears.

(The video takes a little while to load so you may want to push play and then pause and wait a minute before pushing play again to let it load.)

I walked back to my chair feeling like a total mess. I gave up trying not to cry. As I sobbed I thought, "Normal people don't cry this much." Jermaine rubbed my back lovingly.

After the service I went on a prayer walk. Our church is blessed with 63 or so acres of land and the community has created a beautiful prayer walk through the woods with 17 contemplative stations.

As I walked I thought, "I am not cool, calm and composed (like other people). I wear my heart on my sleeve. And though I believe that I could become those things. I know it wouldn't be real and so I am glad not to try. Still, I am so open and my feelings are so exposed. And though I feel that this is one of my best qualities, sometimes I wish it were not so. Because, of course, normal people don't cry this much."

I thought about how I am embarking on several new ventures all at once. I am now a homeschool mom, a seminarian, and a waitress. A teacher, a student and a server. I am excited and nervous - feeling lots of pressure not to screw up. Each of these new roles have been heavily prayed for - by me and by others. Still, I feel watchful eyes on me - waiting to see if I fail.

I thought also about this time last year. It was the beginning of my busiest, saddest semester. And I started it off on quite the wrong foot. I cleaned for a friend the Sunday before school began. We worked until 9 or 10pm that night and I was completely spent. I got up early the next morning and rushed off into horrible DC traffic - and found out exactly how long and aggravating my commute was going to be. I think I may have even missed my first class. The rest of the semester remained just as busy. It was as if I started working that Sunday in August and didn't sit down to rest until sometime around Christmas. No wonder I was depressed.

I thought about how I feel a pull to distance myself from the way things began last year. Which explains why I felt so strongly about having a successful Sabbath today.

But, honestly, I do feel like it's different. I think there were things on my plate last year that needed to be let go. And, sadly, not only did I cling to them, but I added more to my plate! And so, partly because of that experience, I feel a deep desire to be humble enough and open to being wrong. At this very moment I do not think I am taking on too much. But, if I get into the swing of things and realize that I have, I pray for the courage to say so.

I thought about how these new adventures could turn out to be really positive or really negative. And if the history of my life is any indication, either way will be meaningful - God can teach through the good or the bad. Still, I want things to go well, of course. But I was thinking today that I might be working with the wrong definition of "going well". I have an idea in my head of the way I think these things should play out. It is not so much a question of if they don't go my way, it's more like when. And the true determining factor is not whether things go the way I would like them to, but rather, how I react when they don't. And so, effectually, I get to choose, to some degree, whether these experiences will turn out positive or negative. That's quite amazing, isn't it?

I walked and prayed and cried and praised and ranted. I even did a little Theophostic Prayer on myself. I sorted through some of the lies I've been believing.

"I am a mess."
"Normal people don't cry this much."
"I'm just not good enough."

I asked Jesus if he would tell me his truth in regards to these lies. I didn't feel or hear anything at first. I told him I wanted to know, not just intellectually, but experientially.

I heard, "You are beautiful."

It was not audible. Just a thought in my head. At first I didn't connect it to the prayer I was praying. But then I remembered what my pastor had said. And the other day on the metro landing, next to the emergency lever, was a little sign.

Look at the little sticker on the left.

And then I remembered this shot (below), from about a year ago (I know because I'm still carrying my "summer" bag). Now, at first, I thought the person that wrote this was talking to Jesus. I thought it was compelling and, well, beautiful. But later I saw that on the other side of the bench in the same handwriting someone had written something like, "Damn, you're gorgeous." So, I realized that this picture was actually a bit blasphemous. But, it makes me laugh and I think in this context that it's still quite compelling.

I needed that. I can't explain why. But, for some reason I needed to hear that I was beautiful. And Jesus knew it and so he told me. Wow.

That is beautiful.

I know this blog is becoming overly long, but I would like to ask you to please bear with me for another moment or so.

Augusts

I love creating New Years Resolutions. January is always a powerful time of renewal and reassessment. But I realized today, having been born in August, that this month is truly my New Year. Thinking about last August got me thinking about the ones previous. And suddenly it occurred to me how pivotal and difficult they have been.

2009 - the beginning of my last year as an undergrad and the worst semester of my entire college career.
2008 - 2 months after getting married I began my first semester at the University of Maryland (which seemed gigantic and scary at the time). Also, I was hoping I was pregnant. When it turned out that I was not, I fell into a bad depression that lasted for about a month (not a great way to start a marriage). This depression was also the beginning of my weight re-gain.
2007 - I thought Jermaine was going to propose on my birthday. He thought that was too cliché and waited until Sadie's birthday the following December (of course, I didn't know that at the time and was quite bummed). He did buy me a bike, though, which was pretty awesome.
2006 - 2 months after moving to Maryland (a hugely pivotal experience) I started my first full time semester at Montgomery College. 6 days before school started, Jermaine and I broke up. I was so depressed I had to force myself to go to school.
2005 - 2 months after I met Jermaine and 1 month after the discovery that Sadie was being hurt. I felt conflicted, depressed and scared but determined to take the necessary steps to protect her. At the same time, we were being surrounded by love and prayer.
2004 - 1 month after getting a DWI and 2 months before I made the commitment to change my life and the way I was living (and follow Jesus). Again, I was incredibly depressed and more than that, I felt like a complete loser.
2003 - George and I got in a huge fight and broke up. I confessed that I had been cheating on him. We ended up getting back together and trying to work through things (we eventually broke up for good the following April). To say I was depressed would have been a gross understatement.
2002 - I turned 21. We couldn't afford our apartment so we had to move back in with my parents.
2001 - I was pregnant. I hated being pregnant. I was sick the entire time. And scared of being pregnant so young. I didn't know it then, but as you can see, my life was headed downhill that August. I thought it was bad then but I had no idea how horrible it would get.
2000 - I started working at Chili's and met the man that would become my daughter's father.
1999 - 2 months after barely graduating. I was happy to finally be 18 so that I could do whatever I wanted. I thought it was the beginning of a very exciting adult life. I would later realize that it was the beginning of the realization that when left to my own devices and desires, I will screw myself up royally and hurt a lot of other people in the process. I did meet my birth mom, Cathy and my brother Jeremy - thanks to my parents. That was amazing and wonderful. Though I'm sad that they met me at the beginning of my worst.

So, August has been a historically depressing month for me, evidently. It helpful to look back though, and to realize how far I've come and remember where I'm coming from. These experiences have shaped me into the person I am today. The person, who Jesus thinks, is beautiful.

If you've read this far then I thank you, I pity you, I invite you to join me for the rest of the adventure, and I promise to work on being short and sweet. ;)

The first blog of the day

2010-08-28T07:15:00.000-07:00

Hi! Yesterday was wonderful! Here are some fun pictures.

Wesley was wonderful. I'll give you the highlights:

The commute to Wesley was a lot shorter than we thought it would be so we got there EARLY. Lol. We didn't know what to do with ourselves. We had to wait to be let in.
I met a LOT of sweet people. I think it's going to be a kind, nurturing academic environment.
There were hints that the work was going to be strenuous. Makes me nervous.
The worship service was one of my favorite parts. We sang a beautiful hymn called "The Summons" and another called "Jesus, Remember Me" - a very simple hymn from Luke 23:42. It's just "Jesus remember me when you come into your kingdom" sung over and over. It's a quote from the man who was on a cross next to Jesus. Singing it from the perspective of this man, a criminal - coming from where I'm coming from and sitting in seminary orientation - absolutely reduced me to tears. And they had us come up to the altar, and dip our fingers into a bowl of water (to symbolize purity and redemption). Then they gave us a shell (a beautiful symbol of Christianity with it's layers (and I thought about how funny it is that the creatures that create these beautiful shells never live to witness the finished product)) and then someone from the faculty prayed a prayer of blessing over each of us. It was so beautiful.

After a very long, full day, we road the metro to go and visit Andrea (who is in DC for the Women of Faith conference). I'm sure she and I would describe the event very differently, we went to Busboys and Poets for coffee and that was okay. But, let's just say we were all exhausted and getting them home (Andrea and her friend, Elizabeth) wasn't as easy as we anticipated. Getting lost (several times) was involved. Ranting and lots of loopy giggling was involved. Complete silence due to exhaustion was involved. Southeast DC was involved. Oh, and peeing in public was involved more than once. Man, I love this city.

Andrea and Elizabeth are very tired, I'm sure (and poor Elizabeth will probably never want to hang out with us again). But, (this is for Andrea) I think it's fair to add that after we dropped them off, it took us another hour to get home and then I woke up at 8am to a text that said, "We've been up for an hour. Hope you're sleeping well. I am glad we saw each other! Next time will be a lot better." To which I retorted: "I was sleeping well until your text woke me up. I got the SAME amount of sleep as you. Although I'm not at a conference right now, I'm in my PJs. I'm glad we saw each other, too! Next time will be in Forks, so it will be better by default. But, are you implying that you didn't enjoy our great adventure? Love you!"

We decided not to go to Rehoboth today (obviously). Using this time to prepare for next week - training at my new job, my first seminary classes and the beginning of homeschool! I'll probably write another blog later in the day.

This is not a Bible Blog

2010-08-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

I had wanted to post the next Bible blog - I even started it earlier today. Alas, I did not get around to finishing it until just now and seeing as how I need to be up in 5 hours, I don't think it's wise to plow through it.

Usually I write about my day, but my day, though fun, was not that interesting.

Hmm. Here are a couple of random things about me:

The other day I bought olives stuffed with feta cheese. I'm absolutely hooked! So decadent and low-cal. I ate them all, and now I can't find them anywhere. I know, because I've been to at least 4 stores.
I have officially lost the first ten pounds!
When I put my make-up on in the morning, I seriously consider the chances of ending up in tears by the end of the day. If the chances are good, I don't put on eye liner.
I've started reading the Chronicles of Narnia to Sadie every night. This is extra special because I read the entire series aloud to her biological father when we were dating.
I started a book fast at the beginning of this year. I've sort of tossed it. I'm not convinced that all fasts were made to stick to until some arbitrary end date that I put in place myself. Seems too legalistic. I like following my intuition - the feeling I get that I think/hope/pray is from God - to give me a better sense of what I should be doing.
I have a dear friend with whom I fell out of sorts with a while back. I think of her constantly. And I think of calling her, too. But I don't. Man, though, I love her. Even if I have a shoddy way of showing it. I hope she still loves me.
I read through the entire Homeschool Your Child for Free book in the last couple of weeks. All 461 pages. And I starred all of the links I was interested in. Thousands, as you can imagine.
I have orientation at Wesley tomorrow and I'm mostly writing this because I'm too excited to sleep! Every time I remember that I'm actually about to start seminary, I do a little happy dance. I think, "Me? Seriously? The kid who flunked out of college because she was too high to go to class? The girl who got knocked up at 19 by a guy she barely knew? Not only did I graduate college but I get to go to seminary? Double-you-tee-eff!" Nothing short of miraculous.
I have 3 blogs I'm itching to write. The caloric epiphany blog. My own comments on the sermon from a couple days ago blog. And the next Bible blog. They'll show up eventually. My blogs are always late, just like me.

I thought I didn't have anything to write about. Guess I was wrong. Really should go to bed though. Good night!

Joyful

2010-08-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

Just now a friend on facebook shared a beautiful story of a beautiful Sparrow. I feel humbled and grateful and oh so flushed with joy. Sparrow's Daddy appears to be a musician. The week she was born he decided to give all of his music away for free. I am listening to Mark Mathis (Secret In This Town) as I type this. It's so good that I wanted to share it with you.

Sharing each other's intense joys and helping each other carry heavy burdens - those are such precious and holy parts of being human. It makes me feel so alive.

My most favorite mug in the Walker house. :)

We went over to Pamela's yesterday to help her move furniture. She fed us steak. It was fabulous!

We were in DC this evening at a fun mixer. This is my attempt to capture the quintessential DC feel.

This is Jermaine kindly allowing me to force him to smile for yet another picture. We're at the metro. I was hoping the background would turn out cooler than it did.

I planned our first week of homeschool today! We're starting out right with a field trip to the library. And I bought Sadie's first workbooks at Borders today! Totally geeking out.

Sorry I didn't blog yesterday. My first day at my new job went really well. I'm excited. I sort of feel like I've got something to prove. To who, I'm not sure. Myself, maybe. But I'm super focused on being the best waitress I can be.

I go to Gloucester 14 days from tomorrow! And we leave for Forks the day after that! I can't wait to start packing.

I've decided I want to read through all the Twilight books again before I go. A lofty goal, for sure. Especially considering I'm halfway through HP 5 at the moment. I've been rereading them, and I don't think I could possibly start Twilight until I finish the HP series. I'll keep you updated on my progress. I'm not too concerned about actually getting through all the books. I just think it's a fun goal to have.

Seriously though, I should probably go read! G'night!

Being 29 Today

2010-08-23T22:18:00.000-07:00

Being twenty-nine today meant a long hike in the woods with some really amazing friends. It meant three hours of seemingly wasted time spent in front of a computer screen attempting to figure out how to truly break in to the freelance writing world. It meant coming to the eventual conclusion that, though the hours seemed unfruitful (I didn't get any queries out like I'd hoped), my research granted me valuable insight into a mysterious industry.

Priscilla is too cute. And she's so hardcore! See that pack she's got on? Yeah. She's hiking with her baby on her back.

Being twenty--nine today meant laughing until my sides hurt. It meant telling stories and getting to listen to the stories of others (Nicki tells the best stories!). It meant creating a new story, too. It meant having a heart to heart and resolving a conflict that has been eating away at my insides for a while. It meant biting into a yummy Chipotle burrito. It meant lovingly putting lotion on my poor little girl's eczema before kissing her goodnight.

Brandon is just so confident.

Being twenty-nine tomorrow means starting training at my new job. It'll also, more than likely, mean having dinner with some dear friends with whom we don't spend nearly enough time.

Yes, indeed. It is good to be twenty-nine.

I don't know why the pictures came out so grainy. Boo. Heh, Priscilla is so exhausted she's loopy.

We took another to try again. This time I came out looking silly. Cross-eyed and intense.

Being 29 - Day, um, er, I lost track.

2010-08-22T18:49:00.000-07:00

We've been going through Ephesians at my church for the past 7 weeks. The series has been illuminating and conviction inducing for both me and Jermaine (it's the same series that inspired him not to mock our loved ones for a whole week).

The sermon from today was particularly gut-wrenching for me. Every Sunday there are discussion questions for people to take to mull over during the week (alone or in their small groups, I suppose). I thought it might be fun to post them on here and see if we can get a good conversation going. Everyone's welcome at the blog table!

Here's the passage from this week (Ephesians 6: 10-24 (New Revised Standard Version)):

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his power. Put on the whole armor of God, so that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For our struggle is not against enemies of blood and flesh, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, so that you may be able to withstand on that evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand therefore, and fasten the belt of truth around your waist, and put on the breastplate of righteousness. As shoes for your feet put on whatever will make you ready to proclaim the gospel of peace. With all of these, take the shield of faith, with which you will be able to quench all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Pray in the Spirit at all times in every prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert and always persevere in supplication for all the saints.

Pray also for me, so that when I speak, a message may be given to me to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it boldly, as I must speak. So that you also may know how I am and what I am doing, Tychicus will tell you everything. He is a dear brother and a faithful minister in the Lord. I am sending him to you for this very purpose, to let you know how we are, and to encourage your hearts. Peace be to the whole community, and love with faith, from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Grace be with all you who have an undying love for our Lord Jesus Christ.

If you get a chance, check out the message that was inspired by this scripture. It's not on the website yet, but when they post it, you can find it here. Also, feel free to check out the prior messages in the series. If this discussion goes well, I'll try and dig up the other discussion questions and do another one of these.

Week 7: Confronting the Powers

1. This passage deals with the idea of "spiritual warfare". If you grew up as part of a church, what was the common understanding of this term (if any)? What has been your experience throughout adulthood with this concept in the common culture? In church? Discuss different perspectives, knowledge and experience of spiritual warfare.

2. What has been your experience of church as "a building" people go to once or twice a week to get filled up on God and spirituality in order to help them live out their real lives the rest of the week?

3. What has been your experience of church as a community of people devoted to one another at great cost through trial and suffering, committed to one another and sharing their hearts, minds, resources and real-time daily lives?

4. What do you think the church should look like? What do you want for yourself?

5. In this passage, Paul speaks of "putting on" certain virtues and attitudes as a kind of armor for living out church and community. Reflect carefully and thoughtfully to these things Paul specifically mentions, pausing for a long moment between each one, listening for what thoughts and feelings are stirred up in you in you inner being.

Righteousness . . . Peace . . . Faith . . . Salvation . . . Spirit . . . Prayer . . . Alertness . . . Perserverance . . .

Which word(s) stand out for you? Why? What words had negative connotations for you? Positive connotations? Explain.

I don't want to post my own thoughts just yet. I'd rather not steer. But, if no one posts by tomorrow or Tuesday, I'll stir the pot.

Again, if you've read this far - I thank you, I pity you and I invite you to join me on this new adventure!

And now, for some fun pictures from this past weekend. AND - I learned how to put a caption (it's embarrassingly easy, actually, heh)

Filling out the application for our potential new apartment!

Finding my good angle. ;)

In church today, I discreetly tried to take a picture of this quote I liked. Unfortunately, you can't really see it, but if you listen to the sermon you'll be able to hear it!

Having fun in the skateboard section of our favorite sporting goods store. ;)

Day 9 being 29

2010-08-20T19:27:00.000-07:00

I didn't take any fun pictures today, so I'm not sure what to post for you to look at. I'll try to figure it out by the end of the blog.

O! I know. I bought a planner today. I can post a "before" picture.

The inside will work, I think. I'll post the "after" pictures once I finish. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do, but I'm excited!

I was looking over our calendar, seeing what's on the agenda for the next couple of weeks. And it started to hit me that Jermaine is really going to leave. I'm going to miss him terribly. I think Sadie will, too. But, thankfully, it's only for a few months. And I think this is the path we're supposed to take. It's scary, though. God, it's scary.

We looked at apartments today. I think we found the one we want to rent! We'll likely be moving around the end of September. It's kind of sad - Jermaine will barely get a chance to live there before he goes to Basic.

Still, I'm mega-excited about having my own place again. I'm planning on completely decking it out with home school fun!

I think I'm done for the night. This blog is making me miss Jermaine already and I want to go hang out with him. Also, I rather hastily signed up for a 7am boot camp fitness class at my gym tomorrow morning, so I probably should be heading toward our big comfy bed.

Good night!

Day Eight and Three Quarters

2010-08-20T06:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the three of us went apartment hunting (you can't live with your parents forever, right?). It was an interesting day. Here are some fun facts.

Directly after agreeing that neither of us liked high-rise apartments, we proceeded to check one out and fall in love with it. We probably can't afford to live in downtown Silver Spring, but it was fun to dream.

There's a fair chance we'll be moving right back to where we left in January. And if we do, it'll be good to be home.

Besides apartment hunting, we priced skateboards, helmets and knee and elbow pads for me and Sadie because I want to incorporate skateboarding into our home school P.E. class. Am I the coolest mom, or what?

We had coffee with my favorite Elena yesterday. She's a hoot!

I'm in the market for a planner. And I'm becoming a bit obsessed about it. I want a planner that is also a journal and I want to be able to write in my own school (and other stuff) schedule, and Sadie's schedule (like a teacher's planner). I wouldn't mind if there was a space to write down weekly menu plans (although that's not a deal-breaker). But I definitely I want it to be beautiful. I have searched online and in 5 different stores. I scoured Etsy. I just can't find that perfect one. I have seriously contemplated creating my own, but I think it would be too much work. Last night I dreamed about planner searching. Today I'm going back to one of the stores to reconsider some close runners-up. I have decided to focus on the functional, to find one that does what I need it to do. And then, bring it home and use my mountain of craft supplies to make it beautiful.

Jermaine is baffled. But we realized last night that we are a lot alike in that sense. We both get totally obsessed about something, and it's practically all we can think about. We have none of the same obsessions (and both find the other's quite odd), but we get what it's like to be obsessed, and that's very helpful.

Andrea and I leave for Forks in just THREE weeks! Woo-freaking-hoooo!!!

I set my goal to come up with 100 article ideas this week and write 5 queries. I came up with all the ideas, but I got side-tracked and didn't send any queries. Wondering if I should try to do any today or just tack them onto next week's goal.

Weight-wise, I have been holding steady at 175 for the past 3 days. Want to get back on the loser track so I can be in the 160s by the time we go to Forks. Still planning on writing my caloric epiphany in the very near future.

Another goal of mine is to start Bible-blogging again. I want to aim for once a week. The idea is: I'll blog 5 or 6 days a week total. One will be a Bible blog, one will be a Fab for Forks blog and the others will entail rambling goodness on here. And in total they will create one heck of a story about being 29.

Once more, if you've read this far, I thank you, I pity you and I invite you to join me for the rest of the adventure. Amen.

Day 7 - Who knows, really.

2010-08-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

(I frequently take pictures of books I want to buy someday (after I read the 100 I've already got). Thought I would share some of them on here.)

Today was emotionally exhausting. I'm not going to get into specifics, but I will offer up a few rambling sentences as a way of healing.

I'm not so good at the romantic writing. You know, the kind of writer that can make picking your teeth sound beautiful? With me it just sounds like picking your teeth. I'm not entirely convinced that's a bad thing.

I feel so young sometimes. And that scares me. Most of the inspiring memoirs I read were written by older people who seem so much wiser than me. They've loved people. They've lost God. And they've lived so long that they found him again. Their sentences begin like, "When I was ordained twenty years ago, I was far more surer of those things than I am now . . . "

What actually scares me sounds a bit chuffed, so please forgive me. But it's that I feel I've already lived so much. My life has been so full - of both intense beauty and scarring ugliness - when I begin to ponder what's next, I become seriously freaked out.

I know that all of my older friends and parents reading this are chuckling to themselves, thinking, 'Aw, the kid's got so much to learn'. And they're right, I'm sure. The equation that's been playing on repeat in my head all day: if I live to be 100 then in 20 more years I won't yet have experienced a full one half of my life. And 20 years is a LONG time!

I was in arguable company with some folks that have at least 25 years on me today. I seriously respect these people. And I felt that I must seem silly to them. The things I care about. The things I dream about. The things I fret about. Daydreamy kidstuff really. I felt they were thinking that once I grew some more I would come to my good senses.

But here's the thing I keep coming back to: Jesus only lived to be 33.

A lot of people I know, young and old (myself included) seem super concerned about security, safety, stuff and saving face. But Jesus didn't care about any of that. And so therefore, the question that plagues me more than any other is: How do we live in this materialistic, self-obsessed world and try to follow Jesus without being a jerk?

I was thinking today that Jesus would probably hang out with celebrities and slaves if he came back.

I met a beautiful and wise woman a couple of weeks ago who remarked that one of the blessings of turning 50 was that you were released from fretting sillily about what others think of you. I don't want to wait until I'm 50. I would like to accept that present at 29.

I have had a very difficult time articulating what I mean to say today. I know what I am thinking. But when I try to find the words to explain, they just don't come. This happens often. Sometimes I struggle to find them, but more often than not, I just give up. Silently yelling at myself for being so inept. And all these feelings of inadequacy (How can you even think of being a pastor, a writer or a homeschool mom??) bubble up inside of me. Jermaine says that these feelings mixed with the strong sense that I am called to these vocations is a good sign I'm headed in the right direction.

I hope so.

I was watching a skateboarding show on TV today and toward the end one of the guys said something like, "If you've watched this far, then I thank you, I pity you, and I invite you to join us for the rest of the adventure." That completely embodies what I want to say at the end of all my posts. So I'm going to steal it. Good night.

Day 6 - Six Flags fun!

2010-08-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

We had so much fun! I am way too exhausted to write a blog tonight. Here are some random pictures from our day together. Thanks for reading!

Day 5 1/2 of being 29

2010-08-17T06:14:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post these last night, but our internet was down. My genius husband wouldn't rest until he had fixed it, so here I am this morning. :)

Enjoying our spoils from Butler's Orchard.

I bought Sadie an art set. She wrote me a thank you note. Love!

I went to Staples because I was looking for a planner that can do double duty as a journal. I had no idea they still made these!

And now, videos! Here's a bug's eye view of our time at Butler's Orchard:

Good times! And good morning (for once). Sadie and I are off to Six Flags now! Gosh I love being her mom.

Being 29 - Day 2

2010-08-13T20:28:00.000-07:00

Let's see, what was interesting about today?

Um, my little brother turns 21! Happy birthday Jeremy!

And I Zumbad. Fun, fun, fun!

There's Asian super grocery store close to where I live, and today I got very excited about the idea of taking Sadie there on a field trip next month. We could make some Asian cuisine and learn while picking up the ingredients. Or I could ask the manager if someone would be willing to give us a tour of the store and tell us about some of the food.

I started reading French Women Don't Get Fat at Borders the other day. And, we have two sets of friends who, on different occasions, introduced Jermaine and I to some of the best French bistros in Maryland. I feel so fortunate to have such good friends. And quite suddenly I've realized that I have a deep love for French food.

Jermaine and I (well, Jermaine, mostly) developed a point system for Sadie to help her get a sense of how well she's behaving. She can get or lose "cool points". It's very effective.

Right now, most of her stuff is still packed up. I'm having her go through it, about a box a day, to determine what she wants to keep here, what she wants to put into storage until we get our own place, and what she's willing to give away. Up until now I have been going through it with her. I mentioned in passing on my way to Zumba that she should do another box. I went downstairs 5 minutes later and she was in her room sorting through a box on her bed. Cool point!

Tomorrow's itinerary includes more Zumba, a bit of yard-saling (to scout out fun homeschool finds) and blackberry picking. I'm excited! Good night.

361 Days of Being 29 (and 4 Days of Being 30 Because I Started Late)

2010-08-12T15:54:00.000-07:00

[I'd like to add captions and frames to these photos but I'm going to have to play around online to figure out how to do it. For now, I'll put their captions up here. Photo #1: Mary Oliver's poetry - way inspiring! Sorry it's kind of hard to read. Photo #2: The irony is that I bought the book. Photo #3: Sadie and the friend she made at a beautiful watery light show at the National Harbor. And yes, that is my mother-in-law's Evo in the corner.]

This year I want to:

Get published
Home school my 3rd grader (stay tuned for a When, What, Where and Why blog)
Learn to skateboard with Sadie
Find ways to help Jermaine prepare for boot camp and tech school
Get through my first year of seminary
Read a bunch
Lose some weight
Survive and thrive while living with my in-laws (and hopefully grow closer to them in the process)
find an outlet for my deep desire to perform
Go surfing for the first time
Go snowboarding
Go to India and learn some Hindi
Teach my daughter about human trafficking
Vacation with friends
Get a handle on our debt and become saving savvy
Blog about my adventures everyday

I entertained thoughts of combining my blogs and/or creating a whole new one. But it was starting to seem too complicated so I thought I'd just begin with this blog and see what happens. I'm going to attempt to blog 6 days a week - sometimes on here and sometimes on one of my other blogs. And my two main objectives are that it be relatively short and bursting with all the creativity I can muster.

Some interesting tidbits of my day today (and the last few days at the end):

I woke up and tried to make some coffee and the coffeemaker sort of exploded. I resigned to consisting off instant coffee while I live here. I try to buy fair-trade coffee, but there was no fair-trade instant coffee at Giant. So I did what I do when I'm not sure if the people that made the product I'm purchasing were paid a fair wage - I prayed for them.
The coffee debacle reminded me yet again that I am addicted to caffeine. I filed it away in the "deal with later" part of my brain.
I went to Borders to get caffeinated and peruse the shelves. One of my favorite activities. Didn't buy any books. Win!
Got hit on by a very nice Hispanic man. But got annoyed when he wouldn't leave even after I told him I was married.
Figured out that the clutter that surrounds me at the moment is depressing me and making me unproductive.
Found out that Sadie didn't know how to make a sandwich until her Aunt Danielle showed her yesterday.
This doesn't pertain to just this day - but I've lost 8 pounds since I had my caloric revelation! Still need to blog about that at some point . . .
Sadie and I are going to be doing some volunteer work for Polaris Project by putting together party kits, gathering stuff that survivors need and participating in the DC Stop Modern Slavery Walk. Super stoked!
Got an email about the India trip 2011. Feels real again!

Future Present Past (er, one crazy long blog)

2010-07-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

SO.

I have been meaning to write a blog updating anyone who is interested about the crazy going ons of our little life. Also, since I wrote my Bucket List, 2005 Edition, I have been wanting to write the revised version. AND, then last night, while reviewing an old journal, I was inspired to share some of my poetry (er, or "rap" as I fondly referred to it back then).

I have been toying with the idea of writing 3 different blogs. But really, that just seems silly. I am going to attempt to condense and compartmentalize so you can read everything that is on my mind in this one little blog.

You're in for a wild ride. ;)

First off, the Bucket List!

My friend Andrea (who turns 29 TODAY) is always talking about her before 30 list. I've decided to take a page out of her book and make one of those too.

Before I Turn 30, I would like to:

have a savings account with more than $25 in it
make a habit out of taking Sadie to the park
go on a friend-cation with my family and our friends, the Frosts, back to St. Simons Island
start teaching fitness classes
write a letter to Jermaine everyday that he is in boot camp
start really working on PAWS
get published (or try my darnedest)
finish reading and blogging through the Bible

And now, without further ado, my Official Bucket List:

write Emergency - a sort of autobiographicalish book on being a young single mom, feminism, faith and fighting
write a fantasy fiction series of books
learn to speak, read and write fluently in another language
learn to relate to people not in terms of how much they like or love me, but rather how I can generously love them
become the kind of daughter who calls her mom every day
become more involved with Sadie's education - even if I can't homeschool, teach her the things I long to teach her, complementing what she is learning in school
learn to skateboard with Sadie
learn to surf (with Sadie?)
go snowboarding with Sadie every winter that we can swing it
pursue PAWS passionately - and truly attempt to make a living doing those things that I feel are a part of my purpose
stay involved in the fight to end human trafficking for the rest of my life - and listen well for how God wants to use me
really listen when people are talking, especially Jermaine
learn from my husband - how to play tennis, the logistics of football, how to play the piano and how to love people
learn to sew
go to seminary
become a mentor for young single moms and/or young women who are choosing paths similar to the one I chose

That was healing, writing that. It helps me, I think, to write down what I desire. At the heart of it all, I believe my goals have to do with becoming a better person - a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend and a better follower of Jesus. If I could add anything to the list, it would be to appreciate who I am now, and who I used to be. Which is kind of fitting considering the three parts of this blog. This part could be called Future. The update is, of course, Present. And the writings are Past.

Huh. Couldn't have planned it better.

Okay, let's do Present.

Military Madness

So, as you know, a couple of weeks ago we lost Jermaine's unemployment insurance. It was like losing a job all over again. And I proved once more that I do not handle crises well. I stormed, I cried, I freaked and waled. When I was done with that, I may have said prayer or two. But mostly, I was just a hot mess trying my damnedest not to be a hot mess and failing miserably.

Eventually I pulled myself somewhat together and we ventured over to Jermaine's parents house seeking comfort and advice. It was during this visit that a dialog about joining the military began to surface. All of us, Jermaine, his mum and dad, and I felt a peculiar feeling of electrical excitement - this could be an answer to a lot of prayers - not to mention one wild ride for our family.

In that conversation, we talked about sacrifice too. I am overwhelmed by Jermaine's willing sacrifice for our family. And I am humbled by the sacrifices that were made by my in-laws when they made a similar decision to become a military family 25 years ago. I will miss Jermaine deeply during the times in the future that the military will inevitably call him away from me and Sadie. But I am excited for him and his new adventure. I respect him and look up to him more than words can adequately describe. The U.S. Army will be blessed to have him.

As For Me

I scored a gig as a fitness instructor at a health club in McLean, VA, and another job as a server at Food Wine & Company! Also, I registered for fall classes at Wesley - so I am officially a seminary student, too!

AND - I'm still going to India!! I will absolutely wait for another blog to share the details of this old/new development. The trip won't be until 2011, so there is plenty of time for that. But, as I still have money to raise, I will most definitely still be taking donations. Feel free to bombard me with any questions you may have regarding my future trip. :)

Sadie, too

I miss her dearly. She is visiting her father for the month. And I think that she is having the time of her life. At the end of August, she will begin 3rd grade!!! I keep asking myself, how can that be?? Craziness.

July is always one of the most difficult months for me. Five years ago (almost to the day) my world was knocked upside down and my spirit was all but broken. With everything that has been going on (military, unemployment, India, seminary, job stuff), I hadn't really stopped to ponder the past and the anniversary of the horrible. But I felt it. And it affected me, without my awareness that it was doing so. It was that state of mind that prompted me to wander back into my journals last night. Of course, this brings us to . . .

. . . The Past

And here I will share some of the silly, heartfelt, awful, wonderful rhymes and musings from 2005.

It is terrible to speak well and be wrong. - Sophocles

look i've changed / not the same dame you knew from back in the day / i rearranged my crew and i like it that way / a whole new set of faces / a whole new set of places / no more head cases

he makes me sick / can't stomach it / he fumbled it / i stumbled in / recoverin' / can't begin / to comprehend / this state i'm in / can you recommend / counseling?

pain in her eyes / we call ourselves civilized / but aren't surprised / as we watch the masses die / cries from the street / calling out to me

you make me so happy / you make my soul happy

There are no ordinary people . . . it is immortals whom we joke with, work, marry, snub and exploit. - C.S. Lewis

she's not yours / she's not mine / she's His! / don't you see this?

PIGEON-HOLED IN

PIGEON HOLDIN' - in Jermaine Walker's handwriting

today's court date / tomorrow's fate / i'm late / and i can't wait / just give it to me straight

this brings out so many feelings / that i don't want to deal with / my mind is reeling / staring at the ceiling

it took so long to smile after i found out / just want to drowned out all the negativity / sound out everything he did to me / get it all out / hit the wall, shout / talk about it all now / but never say a word / i can't believe what i heard

i don't drink anymore / at least not like i did before / for one thing, i'm poor

where do gangsters go when they die?

is their paradise in the sky?

or do they retell all the lies

that they retold all their life?

mommy, where did daddy go last night?

we fought the purple people

said they reminded us of grapes

they made us uncomfortable

so we made them our slaves

eventually we realized

we'd made a huge mistake

but, by then, as you can guess,

it was just too late

centuries of hatred

can't just be erased

have we ever stopped to think

what healing is gonna take?

somethings gotta give / but i gotta live / gotta stay positive / keep on top of things / flapping these broken wings / my eye on openings / God, i gave me to You / You made me new / you made me do / things i didn't know i could do / but i'm so tired / so wired / i just want to buy my own food / and put gas in my car / AND i wanna be a star / and still know who You are / so i pray for strength / and a filled up tank

99 was the year i found Eminem. I felt I could relate to him so much that I went out and got a tattoo that said "Kim".

my name literally means "sweet after-dinner drink" / that was my pick up line for like 3 years, I think

i've been there, done that / i will share my come back / so listen up, relax / react / or screw up, relapse

do you promise to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God? i do. so help me God!

He wants us to move rhythmically / not all but one beat

Lord God, i'm on my knees now / gotta speak loud / seek out what you have in store for me now

temptation got the best of me / the rest of me gave up willingly / signaled defeat / fell to my knees / Lord please! / free me - i wanna be free!

the end of an era

truth never clearer

inspect the mirror

wide eyes, no terror

mundanity / insanity / maybe i'm not cut out for this / is this what my passion is?

Thank you for reading! Apparently, this was me at 23 and/or 24. ;)

The Essential Update

2010-06-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

Do you ever blog about something and then step back and think, "Wow, that was definitely too much information."

I do. All the time.

For whatever reason, my soul just refuses to put clothes on.

I figured it was time for an update. No job yet. Lots of people have kindly suggested I let go of India (at least for now). I think I already had. I still might be able to go next year, tho! I'll keep you posted. And I'll be sending an official update email to all of the people who have donated to give them the option of a refund or putting it toward my future trip.

Things are looking up, however. Jermaine is strongly considering (gulp) joining the military. Craziness, right? But, I think for both of us, it feels like not only the best option - but a really good one to boot. It's exciting to think our life path is quite possibly getting ready to about face.

So there you have it. That's all for now. I'm still looking for a job. Don't know about the apartment stuff. Everyday is an adventure at the Walker Residence. ;)

Thanks for reading!

Reaching Out for Help

2010-06-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

I was hoping that the next time I blogged, I would have good news to share. Instead, it seems, I am asking for more help.

The following is an email I wrote to a friend this morning asking for advice and explaining our sticky financial situation. I have decided to share it on my blog (and in a facebook note).

Jermaine and I have been going through some financial trauma recently. We thought it might be good to ask a guru for advice. Here's the short version:

We have been living on Unemployment (and school loans that are now used up) and living with some amazing friends. We've been making it, miraculously. And we were told that unemployment would last until September - so we felt I had until then to secure a job.

I've also been trying to raise money for my trip to India this August. And getting a little frantic, because I still have to raise all of the money for my plane ticket (roughly $1600 if I can buy it in the next week - before prices go up).

We have been hoping that I could get a job in the very near future. Some friends of ours are subletting a very affordable house in Silver Spring. It would be good for us for many many different reasons - a couple examples: putting Sadie back in Montgomery County Public Schools, allowing us to live with our dog again (who has been staying with Jermaine's parents because our housemate is very allergic), and moving us very close to my seminary and the DC area (where at least one of us is bound to find work).

However, the bottom dropped out of Unemployment this week. Some bill didn't pass in Congress - leaving us (and probably a lot of other people) completely sans an income.

Additionally, our bank did some shady stuff yesterday, moving withdrawals and deposits around so they could charge us $175 in Overdraft fees. We have bills due and no way to pay them.

I had a very substantial job lead yesterday that didn't pan out. I was desperately clinging to the hope that with everything else going so badly awry, this job opp was bound to come through. Alas, it didn't. And the emotional stress of dealing with all that is happening has left me feeling a little crazy.

Last of all, I'm worried about India. I don't have the luxury anymore of turning down a job that won't let me go. I still need to raise money, but I don't know if that even makes sense now (if I didn't go, I would pay back all of the people who donated money for my trip and let Made By Survivors keep the money I have given them).

I have been thinking about attempting to find a loan for about $5000. I think that will take care of all of our immediate needs and wants (paying the bills, India, first month's rent of the new place). It is the amount that Jermaine was supposed to have left in Unemployment. But I don't know if a bank would lend that kind of money to folks who are unemployed. And I don't know if the ultimate goal is to take care of all of our needs and wants.

This is all particularly frustrating because I actually have a few potential job leads - and in all likelihood will probably have a job really soon. It's so close but so far away.

Also (I'm not sure where to add this to the email, so I'll just stick it here), Jermaine was planning to return to school in the fall. He has two years to go. So, the plan was - I can get a full time job and we can make it with my income and his school loans (the reverse of what we did while I was in school). Once he's out, he'll be able to get a much better job (he's been frustratingly spinning his wheels and not getting anywhere in this job market). We figured, since I just graduated, I had a much better chance to get a job right now.

Thanks for reading this! Ha, aren't you glad I gave you the short version? ;) Any advice you can offer would be warmly welcomed.

That's basically the gist of our current situation. One of the most frustrating things about the whole Unemployment thing is that originally they told us it would end in June - and we developed a plan for what to do when it ran out. But then they called and told us that because of some new bill in Congress, we now had until September. Either would have been fine if we had had some advance notification!!

I'm writing this mostly because I don't know what else to do. I feel that we're being pulled in all these directions - I don't know which way to go! I feel the urge to just go out and get ANY job that will hire me. But even if we just had a little bit of a cushion, that route wouldn't make sense. Oy.

Well, here it is. If you're new to reading my blog then you just discovered what my friends and family know all too well. I have a definite knack for sharing way too much.

I'm tired. I feel like I've been in crisis mode for 10+ years. I finished college so I could move past all that! And I have a feeling that it won't always be this way. But it's hard to really see that at this very moment.

I guess the point of this blog is to ask for help. A job. Information on a reputable loan. Non-cliche advice. All of that's welcome. Thank you for letting me share.

Frustrated Musings

2010-06-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

Hi! Thanks for stopping by. Jermaine helped me redesign! I think it looks pretty groovy (as well as fresh and clean). Let me know what you think and if everything is readable.

Okay. This is the part where I whine. I can only promise to keep it short.I've been really frustrated lately. I would like a job, please. It's all I can think about. Which actually is not all that helpful. Some good has come of my fretting, tho. I've worked out what I'm so tangled up about.

I've never had a "real" job (ie: a job that incorporates my true passions). I've been a housekeeper, a waitress, a salesperson, even a nurse's aide - and at times I have loved my various positions BUT I've never gotten paid to do something I love.

So, of course, that's why I went back to school. And while I was in school I worked out what it was that I love to do.I love (in no specific order): to write, to act, to perform, to teach (adults), to learn, to give, and to help (and love and laugh with) people who are going through difficult times. Those are my passions in a nutshell.

And now, here I am, with a degree in Sociology - excited, because now I am actually qualified to do the things I love, but frustrated because . . .

. . . because somewhere along the way I starting believing that no one would really pay me to do that stuff.It's not that I lost faith in myself - no - I'm pretty certain I could do it.

I've lost faith in God, I think. I'm not trusting him to finish what he started within me.

And that's really depressing.

That's it, I guess. There is no moral to this story yet because I'm still in the thick of it. I just wanted to share.Thank you for reading my blog.

PS. All is not lost, tho! Since one of my biggest problems is that I never take a break (yep, job hunting 24/7), I am very excited to report that I get to go to Hershey Park with my family tomorrow! That is SO my kind of fun! :)

Funny Quotes from the Second Grade Class Picnic

2010-06-08T20:23:00.000-07:00

Sadie's class had their end of the year picnic today. Jermaine and I got to help out. We showed up late (shocking, I know) and immediately Sadie's teacher put us in charge of two different centers. Jermaine got Musical Chairs and I got Pictionary.

Whew. What an experience. Every time I hang around children I'm blown away at the things that come out of their mouth. I just had to share. :)

"Yeah, Sadie's pretty cool, but she rolls her eyes sometimes." - Octavia, age 8

"You're Sadie's mom and dad? Uhm, you're not the same color . . ." - Little boy, unknown name

"Sadie and Selah aren't friends anymore." - random child
"Why not?" - Jermaine
"Sadie kicked me!" - Selah
"It was an accident." - Sadie
"What happened?" - Me
"I got so mad at myself I kicked her." - Sadie

"I hate life!" - little boy after failing to guess playing Pictionary
"This isn't life, it's Pictionary." - Madison, age 8

"You! You never answer your phone! I've been calling and calling and calling - trying to talk to Sadie." - Aniss - the little boy who keeps blowing me up

Love Poem

2010-06-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

Jermaine and I celebrated our two anniversary by going to Busboys and Poets Open Mic Night in Shirlington, VA tonight. When it was my turn, I surprised him with this poem:

I still remember the day we met

5 years ago

driving down the hot Georgia coast

in James-Michael's Jeep

I was smitten with you almost immediately and I tried very hard

not to let it show

Do you remember our first kiss in Union Station?

Do you remember all those nights you made me laugh so hard I cried?

Do you remember when you told me that I had cute feet?

Do you remember meeting my daughter - whose now your daughter - in the driveway of my parent's house?

Do you remember walking along the beach. You picked up trash to impress me. And you did.

Do you remember all those long distance phone calls? Talking until dawn about everything and nothing.

Do you remember calling me up to say, "What would you say if I asked you to be my girlfriend?" I think I dropped the phone.

Do you remember me calling you to share that terrible news. You comforted me from 400 miles away while I sobbed into the receiver.

Do you remember our first 4th of July - meeting in the middle of Maryland and North Carolina in some no name town? We ate the best pizza and shared a picnic by the lake. I wore that skirt you hate.

Do you remember all the trips - me to you and you to me and how eventually we knew we couldn't be that far apart.

Do you remember when I moved to Maryland and got a job selling floor tile just so we could be closer?

Do you remember your mom encouraging me to go back to college?

Do you remember that first semester - you stayed up with me all night to help me write that horrible 15 page paper.

Do you remember when we broke up - because moving here was so damn hard on me - and I took it out on you.

Do you remember falling in love again? The night we became more than friends - again? We vowed this time it would be different. And it was.

Do you remember getting down on one knee? The day you said to me, "What would you say if I asked you to be my wife?"

Do you remember our wedding? What a fantastic party - realizing the sheer amazingness of our family and friends. Six year old Sadie stood up to make her speech - looked straight at you to share with everyone how she had been practicing loving her new dad.

Do you remember our honeymoon night? How awkward it was? I was so nervous I drank all the champagne.

Do you remember our first year of marriage? Man, that was hard! We moved in together, you became a dad, I started a new school and then you lost your job.

Do you remember how depressed I was?

Do you remember when I finally realized what you have known all along? That it's going to be okay? That truly all we need is love - and we've already got that.

Do you remember? I do. And man am I glad I fell in love with you.

Legacy of an Adopted Child

2010-05-28T11:00:00.000-07:00

I was just sifting through my memory trunk and I came across this poem, which hung in my room when I was growing up. It brought me to tears and I wanted to share it with you.

I have always known I was adopted. When I was little, my parents would ask, "Brandy, what are you?" I would answer in a little chipmunk voice, "I'm adopted and I'm special!"

In part because I've always known, I've always wanted to look for my birth mom. I used to call her Maria (which is now Sadie's middle name) and write to her in my journal. What I didn't realize is that, though it was a closed adoption, when was really little, some paperwork got sent to my parents with my biological mom's name on it. They didn't keep the papers, but they remembered the name. And since they knew I wanted to know, they used that name to track her down for my 18th birthday.

A couple of weeks ago, I got to have both my parents and Cathy, my birth mom, at my graduation. Words can't accurately describe how ridiculously blessed I felt.

~ Legacy Of An Adopted Child ~

Author Unknown

Once there were two women
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember,
The other you call mother.

Two different lives
Shaped to make yours one,
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.

The first gave you life,
And the second taught you to live it.
And the first gave you a need for love,
And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality.
The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seeds of talent,
The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.

One gave you up,
It was all that she could do.
The other prayed for a child,
And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me through your tears,
The age old question through the years.
Heredity or environment, Which are you a product of?
Neither, my Darling, Neither,
Just two different kinds of love.

Bucket List 2005

2010-05-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

On 4/6/05 in my journal I wrote:

These are my goals/short & long term/no specific order:

pursue a career in rap
produce ?/make my own beats
learn to skateboard - well & enter a competition
learn to snowboard - well & enter a competition
learn to surf - well & enter a competition
learn to play the guitar
learn to break dance
learn the drums
pursue acting
take voice lessons
learn to play piano
learn to sew
learn every single language
go to seminary
finish college
be a missionary
get a passport
write a book
incorporate my daughter into every one of my goals
be involved in Sadie's education - regardless of where she goes
learn to drive a stick shift well
eat healthy & exercise reg.
truly overcome all my addictions from the past, & the ones I still struggle w/ (diet coke & cigarettes)
save money for Sadie to go to college
fall in love w/ & marry a Christian guy who really loves Sadie & I
deal with George w/ humility & patience and prayerfully end up w/ Sadie all but every other weekend, one day a week & some holidays
pray hard every day
read the entire Bible thoroughly
do stand up at least once
be able to repair my own car

The ones in bold italics are the ones I managed to accomplish thus far. :)

I think it's time for a revision, tho . . . I'll keep you posted.

Of Two Minds

2010-05-26T16:39:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about my last post since I wrote it. I felt odd writing it. I had the stuff in my head and I wanted to get it out because, you know, "I write to find out what I'm thinking about."

But I was afraid it would come across as offensive to SAHMs. I didn't mean it to be. :(

I definitely wasn't saying that other moms, those who stay at home, don't have ambition. I think it's just the opposite, in fact! Especially if they home-school. I mean, wowsers!

My last post was attempting to lament the fact that sometimes I feel my ambition* is misplaced. Sometimes I blow Sadie off when I'm in the middle of a project that most definitely could wait. And then yesterday I got a note from her teacher saying that she was having some trouble. I think I blamed myself. And the teacher. It made me feel frustrated and sad. And further instilled this desire I have to home-school.

But then I thought, oh wait, I can't do that. All these negative thoughts flooded into my head. I'm not good with kids. I'm not a good teacher. We definitely don't have the money for me to stay home. And could I even do it if we did?

Sometimes, I think I could. It probably sounds ridiculous to read all this after the last blog I wrote, right? I feel like I'm of two minds when it comes to this stuff. On one hand, I think we do need women leaders and I think God has called me to play that kind of role. And, truly, I want to make money doing something I love. And I want to honest (to myself and to others) about my ambitions because it's easy for me to get caught up saying what I think I am supposed to (as a good Christian) say - and having it all end up being total bs. On the other hand, sometimes, I feel tired of constantly worrying about money. I pray that Jermaine can get a killer job so that I could have the option to pursue my passions without feeling like I'm neglecting my family.

Anyway. I don't know if this clarifies anything. I'm feeling incredibly frustrated with myself right now. Oy. I guess the only thing to say is thank you, for reading my blog. I'll try to be less negative if you come back tomorrow.

*Jermaine pointed out that the word "ambition" could definitely have a negative connotation, also. So, in saying I am ambitious, I was not complimenting myself. Therefore, my last post would not be rendered offensive and this current one is just silly.

Confessions from an Ambitious Mom

2010-05-26T09:57:00.000-07:00

I have all this weirdness swirling around in my head. I wanted to share my thoughts with people and receive some feedback. And so, enter blog.

I just graduated. I just graduated! Wow. That's a blog in itself (but one for another time).

I'm trying to focus on two things this summer. First, I'd like to score my dream job or something in the ballpark. And second, I need to raise enough money to cover my India expenses. The first one has my attention at the moment, and so that's sort of the bigger picture focus for this blog. The second one is looming eerily in the background of my mind, but I'll worry about that later.

Can I just say I love to job hunt? I've been researching Guerilla Job Searching. I love the idea - using innovation and creativity and taking risks - it feels overwhelming and scary and so right. I'm sure I'll blog about that later, too. But, that's not really the focus of this one.

So, the twelve dollar question, what is this blog about?

I've been feeling conflicted lately. A LOT of my friends are stay-at-home moms. Some of them even home-school. I have a couple of friends who used to work, or are working now, but have decided to quit their jobs to be at home with their kids.

That's never really been an option for me. If you read my last blog then you know that I've been praying for Jermaine to find a killer career so I could do something similar. Similar, but not exactly the same. If I'm honest with myself I have to admit that even if it was possible for me to stay at home, I probably wouldn't. It's not that I don't want to devote my life to Sadie and our future children, I do - and I hope when they reach adulthood they'll know that.

But, I'm so ambitious. I want to work. And I want that work to yield monetary dividends. I have all of this creativity and passion bubbling up inside of me. I would venture that most moms do. But I don't want to focus all of it on Sadie. Sure, I want to bring her along for the ride. And I pray that my passions help shape her character and enable us to bond. But, a lot of what I aspire to has nothing directly to do with her.

I think that's the heart of this blog - that my work doesn't include her - and that, for the most part, I'm okay with that. It makes me wonder, tho - it encourages the little voice inside my head that is constantly probing - is there something wrong with me?

It's the age old mommy question. And I'm a sociology major - I've studied this exact phenomenon - I should know better. But life so much more complicated than it seems when you're studying it.

There are mommies I look up to - ambitious ones just like me. Phyllis Tickle, Katharine Weymouth, and Keri Wyatt Kent all come to mind.

I think, oddly tho, most of the people I look up to and aspire to emulate are dads - Rob Bell, Bob Goff, Eminem, Cameron Strang, Don Miller (although, he's not technically a dad), and Gary Haugen.

And I when I flip through the executive pages of the companies I want to work for - Relevant, IJM, Mars Hill, Restore International - I see all these men and I think, wow, we need to do something about this! We need more women to participate in running the show (kudos to Polaris Project, a notable exception) . And I think (I think) that's what I'm supposed to do. I think God has made me aware of this and is inviting me to work toward leadership in some capacity - whether now or in the future. All of my desires and endeavors are leadership related. And I feel thrilled, honored, and excited by my calling.

But, where does that leave Sadie? And how do I deal with the guilt - that little voice that insists I don't measure up as a mother? How do I find balance. And why does this seemingly unachievable balance seem to come so easy for fathers?

Epiphany Part Two

2010-04-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

Hello again! Where were we?

Oh, yes! So, my mom was saying all this - how Jermaine's eyes light up when he talks about his music. I was moved by how moved she was. My mind just started spinning (in the good way - not in the way that you regret in the morning).

My train of thought ran something like this:

This is what he's meant to do. I just feel it. Huh. Isn't it odd how (for the first time in my adult life) we have enough money to live (if only for a period of time)? It's not a forever thing for sure - but what source of income is? Maybe, just maybe . . . he could take a break from the job searching. I could take a break from stressing over the job searching. And he could just fully concentrate on his music. For a moment in time, at least. Wouldn't that be incredible?

I felt it so strongly. I sensed it was the right thing even though it sounded kind of crazy. On the way home from Charlotte, I brought it up with Jermaine. He was excited - I mean, what's not to like, right? Fully concentrating on music and a non-stressed out wife. Definitely a Win/Win.

I had another epiphany around the same time. I realized just how strongly I feel God's presence when I dance. Helped to explain why I tear up during dance aerobics. It doesn't really have anything to do with this particular blog, but I like sharing it.

Anyways, getting back to the epiphany at hand - that's what we decided to do. He got to be music minded and we both got to be peace of minded.

We worked out the following plan - after Easter, if nothing had happened musically, he would resume the job hunting grind.

And so Easter came. Coincidentally, we traveled south again. On our way back from Charlotte, we had a different conversation.

Hmm. This is where it gets a bit complicated. I'm trying to figure out the best way to explain all the random thoughts I had. I guess you could say I've been having mini-epiphanies since Easter (although I don't think Jermaine would word it that way). But they were all weird and they conflicted with each other. Truly, I feel like nothing made sense until today.

On the trip back we talked about starting up the job hunt again. We would both have to - because I'm graduating soon and it's almost job-time for me as well. We discussed what it would look like - because he and I are very different kinds of people. And part of the stress before had to do with our conflicting natures.

Piano lessons came up. He could potentially make enough money to sustain our family teaching piano lessons alone. If only he had a keyboard. And honestly, it's a sad state of affairs that he hasn't owned his own keyboard in so long. This music, it's like part of him.

Soo, we bought one! And it's awesome - there's a picture of it in Part One of this blog.

So that's that, and it's good. But we keep wavering - should we pursue this music school/piano lessons idea? Should he finish college (he only has a year of undergrad left and it would really boost the whole job searching thing!)? Where does producing come into play?

Jermaine is . . . different from a lot of guys I know. And I love that. That's a huge part of why I married him.

And, I mean, also, I'm different from a lot of girls I know. Maybe that's why he married me.

This whole, "the man is the provider" idea. It doesn't really work so well for us. I'm the crazy ambitious one. He's got mad talent, but doesn't fair well in the multi-tasking department. It's the way God made him.

And you know me, I'm Ms. Feminist. Somewhere along the way, since Easter, I got to thinking . . . maybe I'm supposed to be the provider.

And that's where PAWS comes in.

I have these passions I want to pursue - creative endeavors I feel I was made to do. I'm such a dork that I made up an acronym.

I'm a

Poet

Actress

Writer

Speaker.

Social justice, human rights and gender stuff - those are my messages.

PAWS is my medium. And pastoring (I think) is the glue that holds it all together.

So, for the past couple of weeks I've been plotting. Planning. Trying to figure out what I needed to do to make these dreams a reality.

Back to the car ride home. Jermaine and I decided we'd both pursue our dreams passionately and vibrantly. But, until we found ourselves gainfully employed doing what we loved, we'd have to be willing to take on some jobs that maybe suck.

I know. It sounds like a no-brainer, right? Ridiculous, even, that we'd have to flesh it out like this.

I could give you a bunch of reasons as to why we did. But they're not essential. And if you know us at all, you probably already know them. Point is, we did need to flesh them out. So we did. And it made a world of difference.

Eek. But, this is where it gets a bit wonky. Last night, as I was praying (and seemingly out of nowhere), I got this supreme urge to pray this crazy prayer:

That God would provide Jermaine with a job doing something he absolutely loved (probably in the realm of music or graphic design) - and that he would make enough money for us to live - and then I could pursue my passions without needing to make any money to add to the family income.

It felt beautiful and good and right. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed - and wanting to steal away to pray/flesh out this nonsensical prayer.

I finally managed to get away (this afternoon - after I wrote the first blog) - I put on Robots for Sadie and Alex and I went into our bedroom and starting folding the huge mound of laundry that both Jermaine and I had been "about to get to" for the past several weeks. As I folded, I talked it out with God.

I listened to this sermon yesterday. I don't feel like getting into the whole thing (it really made me think tho - if you want to listen to it, you can find it here. It's called "Stay Thirsty"). I'll just say it left me with the a deep desire to really investigate what I long for. Like, at the root of all my good and bad desires, what is it I truly crave?

I traveled all the way back to high school. My deepest desires from then until now. What has changed, what hasn't?

Recognition, love, affirmation - these are my deepest ones, I think. My strategies have varied considerably, but the base desires have not.

I think God made us to pursue our passions. I think they are a part of a larger plan. And I think he wires us with these desires and unique ways of pursuing them - so that we might passionately seek him and other people, whom he loves deeply.

I was lost in thought, thinking these beautiful things, when I remembered that, only weeks ago I had come to the conclusion that perhaps Jermaine wasn't supposed to be the breadwinner here.

Well, I thought, what am I supposed to do with that?

Ha, I don't know, exactly. I feel that he has been called to pursue music. I think I've been called to pursue this odd combination of writing and performing.

I also know that he's very good at living in the moment. And I am not.

During my laundry prayer today, I realized that if my family died, I would have a lot of regrets. I would desperately wish I had spent more time with them. Perhaps that is the true epiphany.

I think I am called to pray this prayer - that God will grant Jermaine a Walker-sustaining career - because although I am called to pursue my own career, I am also called to experience deep joy and peace with my family. I have been concerned with money for I-don't-know-how-long. I think this prayer is really about letting that go.

I think. Eek.

Will you pray for us?

Epiphany Part One

2010-04-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

I always have these thoughts (I call them epiphanies but Jermaine says that's too strong a term). They're mostly insightful things, stuff I feel God leading me to.

I get them and I think, 'I'm definitely not sharing this one with anyone.' It feels hokey to talk about them. I'm always saying stuff like, "I think it's a God Thing" or "I feel God leading me toward such and such". It sounds unfathomable. But I do feel it, and I don't know how else to describe it.

And just last night, I had another one. I used to feel compelled to share right away - usually with Jermaine. And let's just say he didn't always share my enthusiasm. It's gotten better. Now, I can sometimes hold off telling people for a whole day.

I had no intention of blogging this - up until I started typing. Let me see . . . where should I start?

I was just rereading some of my old blogs and it occurred to me that I haven't really spoken a lot about what's been going on in my life. I mean, I've written a lot about the stuff I'm doing, but not the emotional backdrop. And I find that odd because it's been such a big deal to me. Hmm, I guess I'll have to back up a bit.

Here's the basic story I find myself in:

Last year - 2009 - was difficult (to say the least). Jermaine got laid off and I didn't take it so well. I was majorly depressed. And I didn't realize it right away. It wasn't until I took on 19 credit hours that it hit me that something was not right. And at that point, there was nothing I could do but flail and work relentlessly to keep up with my horrendous schedule. On top of that, we were dealing with some colossal money problems and as the year came to an end, it dawned on us that our lease was about to be up and we were stuck - we couldn't afford to stay and we couldn't afford to rent another place (unemployment is not considered income and you must have an income to rent).

Around that time I started the whole 31 days of Spiritual Disciplines. It was a God-sent in many ways. Also, some very new friends from our church approached us and asked if we wanted to come live in their house with them. It was such an unexpected miracle!

And, of course, (finally!) the Semester from Hell ended, and I could breathe again. Our money issues had subsided in some ways and, although Jermaine still had not had any luck finding work, I was starting to feel more at peace.

And then, we went to Charlotte for Christmas vacation. An odd series of events led me to an odd series of epiphanies. My friend, Amie, Jermaine, my mom and I all went out for coffee and while we sipped Jermaine explained to Amie what it was he was trying to do musically.

It's hard to flesh out, and I feel I never tell it right, but I'll try anyhow. Basically, he and this guy (his friend, and company partner), Mika, have been working on producing amazing quality music since about 2004. They have evolved over time and they are both incredibly talented. They need artists, and until recently they have not had much luck in that department. But, in the past 6 months or so, they started working with a singer/song-writer (whom they've worked with in the past) - a woman who most definitely matches them talent-wise. They had a song, and I thought it was amazing. But they're all ridiculous perfectionists and so they're entirely reworking it. They're also working on some other stuff - a website, getting radio play, etc. And things are starting to really come together. They're not looking for super-stardom - they just want to be able to make a living doing what they love. And Jermaine believes that God is going to use them in amazing ways. I think so, too.

Like I said, he's telling Amie all this, and afterward, after Amie has left, my mom exclaims how moved she was, listening to him, the way his eyes lit up. This is about the time that I had one of my epiphanies.

Ahhh, but this blog is getting too long. And, I'm sure you have other things to do. So, I'll end on a suspenseful note and finish it later. ;)

(honey nut) Cheerio!

Journey to India

2010-04-12T09:41:00.000-07:00

Hi! Thanks for reading this! I'm going to try to keep it short. It will be the first of a LOT of notes/blogs/emails/letters I'll be writing regarding India. And it will hopefully cover all the basic stuff.

As you may have heard, I'm going to India!!

THIS summer, in fact.

I'll be leaving July 30th (a Friday) and I'll be coming back around Sunday, August 15th.

It is NOT a mission trip.

The organization I'm going with - Made By Survivors (also called The Emancipation Network) - is an anti-human trafficking organization. You can check out TEN and more about what human trafficking is at this site - http://www.madebysurvivors.com/.

Our basic agenda -

- We'll have breakfast and a planning meeting everyday at 8:30am.
- Next, we'll go in groups to visit different shelters each day. At the shelters we will interact with the kids there and "divide our undivided attention evenly among the kids". Each volunteer is responsible for putting together/bringing games, projects and other fun things to do with the children.
- At the end of each day we have some free time - keeping in mind that we want to get to bed early to be refreshed for the next day.

We'll be there for two weeks and during the weekend that falls in between those two weeks (which just happens to be my birthday weekend!) there is an optional vacation trip to Goa, India (a beachy resort type place).

The total cost for the trip will end up being somewhere between $3500 and $4000.

Ooh, that's where you come in (hopefully!).

I am going to attempt to raise at least the entire cost of my trip. Any extra money that I raise will go to The Emancipation Network. Last year, someone raised $10,000. And these funds are crucial to the existence of the amazing shelters they provide.

Incredibly, the morning after I found out I was going to India, I woke up to a text - dear friends/family pledging $500.

I was blown away.

I have this strong sense that this is a God thing and that God will provide completely for this trip. I'm excited to send out letters and emails and tell people about this journey. But, no worries if you can't help me out with the fundraising aspect. Can you pray? Even if you don't consider yourself a "religious" person (especially if you don't, actually). Because I'm willing to bet that prayer is probably more essential than money.

If you want to donate a financial gift, great! If you just got your taxes back, even better! ;) I'm in the process of setting up a PayPal button so you can donate a dollar (or more) with a couple clicks of your mouse. If you prefer to send a check, let me know so that I can email you my address.

I'll be sending letters/emails out in the next week or so. If you prefer one over the other, let me know.

Thanks again, for taking the time to read this. Your support means a great deal to me.

San Francisco Reflections

2010-04-09T22:59:00.000-07:00

Sooo, I was supposed to blog while I was on the trip . . . but, I never got around to it.

Er, well, you know what they say!

Here are some reflections. It was an intense and wonderful trip. Our group was great - and small - so we all got to know each other pretty well. :) San Francisco is BEAUTIFUL. I'm so thankful I got a chance to go - it was definitely an opportunity of a lifetime.

This is what our week looked like:

On Monday we went to do some community organizing. I had some issues with it because we were wading in very political waters. I'm not a hugely political person. I understand that we need politicians, and since I know I wasn't cut out to be one, I am incredibly grateful for people who do feel called into that arena. But, having said that, I didn't sign up for this trip to rep a particular partisan agenda, and I felt uncomfortable doing so.

Additionally, before that day, I'd never heard of the organization that we were supposed to be advocating for. In the past, I've found myself in sticky situations where I was selling something I wasn't necessarily buying. I felt that I didn't have enough information - and I was very wary.

I voiced my concern - and I know I wasn't the only one who felt that way. Still, I participated in the actual community organizing later in the day (my group talked to people outside a supermarket). I have to say, I was surprised and touched by how receptive people in the community were. They seemed to genuinely want and need the help that this organization was offering.

Tuesday - We went to speak with the Chief of Probation, Donald Blevins, the Probation Director, Reggie Davis and Community Network Coordinator, Tony Crear. I thought it was really interesting and informative. I was very thankful that these busy guys took so much time away from their days to come and talk to us. Mr. Crear told us a little bit about his story - how he came to work for Almeda County - it was incredibly inspiring.

Wednesday - It was a fairly intense day. We saw a parole meeting that morning. I was moved to tears more than once. I don't remember the first speaker's name - but I will always remember his speech. He said he used to sit where newly freed men were sitting - and that he'd made the decision to do something different with his life. He told of how, earlier that week, his mother had passed away and the event had proved devastating - but - he was SO thankful that she passed away knowing that her son had made something of himself. He wanted the same for these guys. And we could tell that he meant it. All the speakers were so genuine. It was hard to believe and deeply inspiring to discover that they gave these same spiels EVERY week.

After the parole meeting we toured the brand new Almeda County Juvenile Hall facility. It was immaculate, crisp, state of the art, and haunting. I really felt for the kids that found themselves there. And I was moved by the passion that exuded from the people who worked there

Thursday was a much needed free day - I did some shopping that morning for souvenirs to bring home and then in the afternoon we all went to Alcatraz. It was (surprisingly) beautiful - and haunting as well, but in a much different way.

Friday - Oh, MAN - this was definitely the hardest day. We went to San Quentin. Before we went a lot of people were expressing how nervous/excited they felt about going. Personally, I was feeling kind of indifferent. I didn't fully grasp the intensity and meaning of this last leg of our journey and I was feeling very tired - living in the hostel for the week and being away from my husband and daughter had taken it's toll on me - I was starting to feel ready to go home.

So, as you can imagine, I hadn't prepared myself mentality (or emotionally) AT ALL for what we were about to experience. But from the moment we arrived I knew it was going to be more than I had originally bargained for. We had to go through two separate security checks. As we stood outside waiting to go through the second one, Mr. Crittendon pointed out death row and explained that we would not be able to go there, for obvious reasons. We were all a little relieved, I think.

After we all made it through the second security point, we walked over to the chapel as the gates closed behind us. It was eery, to say the least. In the chapel, we sat down with the teens who were a part of Real Choices - a group of boys who may have been vulnerable to becoming involved in gang activity. Our prisoner guides introduced themselves, directing their attention to the teenagers mostly. Some of them told us how they got there. Some had been there for 20-30+ years. In his introduction, one of the prisoners, explaining that before a person gets to the point of violence or a gang - there's a kind of catalyst. He asked us all what that might be. Then he posed this question, "How many of you have a father figure in your home?"

In our pew, every college kid's hand shot up. We sat behind the teens and watched . . . as nothing happened. Almost none of the teenagers could raise their hand. The illustration was vivid, remarkable, and really really sad. I felt angry at the world - at this illustration that some people are a lot more fortunate than others - and I tried (successfully for the moment) to hold back tears.

Later I did cry. It was hard, walking through the prison. When we walked by the prisoners in their cells, our prisoner guides would walk by our side for our protection. The psychology of that alone was almost impossible to wrap my mind around.

Our guides told us about heated racial tension, and the very real possibilities of being killed or being put in a position where you're forced to kill someone else. We ate prison food, which wasn't that bad until our guides informed us that it's what they ate EVERY single day. Mr. Crittendon told us about the amazing mural in the mess halls by Santos, a former prison and an insanely talented artist, who had hidden secrets in the walls.

The word that kept coming to my mind throughout the day: dehumanizing. The whole thing, it was crazy. And sad. Like, we treat the prisoners like animals and then we're surprised when they act like animals.

Our guides were AMAZING. I was moved by their stories. And I've found myself thinking about them often since I returned.

I walked away from San Quentin feeling like I had been changed in some kind of fundamental way. Not many people can or want to say that they visited San Quentin on their spring break, but I am ridiculously thankful that I can.

Vernell Crittendon, our guide and facilitator, was AWESOME. I loved getting to know him throughout the week. He, too, was a total inspiration. I'm so thankful that we got to meet him. He is truly a remarkable man.

Ha, I think that covers everything. Thanks for reading this lengthy blog. :)

He is risen, Indeed.

2010-04-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

D'you ever have a dear friend whom you love deeply? And you go a while without talking to your friend on the phone. You want to call them. But there is just SO much to say! You put it off. You think, I'll call when I have time to really talk. Problem is, you are very busy, and that time never comes. Eventually you reach this point - you almost don't want to talk to your friend because there's just so much to discuss and frankly, you're embarrassed about how long it's been since you picked up the phone.

Yeah. That's how I feel about this blog.

I have about 4 unfinished, outdated drafts. I don't know where to start!

But, alas, it's Easter. Alleluia! He is risen!

He is risen, indeed.

I'm not going to write a long catch-up blog. I will, I promise. At some point. Or a couple of them. I'll write about my trip to San Francisco and my upcoming trip to INDIA.

But not today. Today is a day for pure undiluted celebration. And I wanted to share this with you.

Resurrection: Rob Bell from The Work of Rob Bell on Vimeo.

You can check out the script and download it yourself (and I think there's a discussion guide, too) on Rob Bell's website. The script is AMAZING. Jermaine found background music a little distracting. And I agree to a point. I'm not sure how long it'll be available. So, if you have a chance to watch it today, I would recommend doing that.

Thank you for reading my blog. Have a blessed Easter.

My prayer for you today . . .

Thank You, creative God, for creativity. For life and breath and blood and sweat and tears. Thank You for making everything all bloomy. Guide us, Spirit. Toward community and away from selfish desires to have it our way. I pray that each one of us may experience life's rich joy. That we may experience reality - the good God stuff - the way it actually is. Jesus, you are beautiful. And we are grateful. Thank You for loving us. Thank you teaching us how to love you and each other. Amen.

PS. Yesterday was the anniversary of the day Jermaine got laid off (still no job yet - but, again, updates coming soon). If you get a chance, check out my Easter entries from the past and Peter's Journal. Also (!!) check out my bestest's blog, Live With Laughter. She's quite amazing. :)

Update.

2010-03-08T21:49:00.000-08:00

Hi lovely people! It's waaay past my bedtime, so I don't have time (or energy) for a huge blog (thank God, right?) but I wanted to throw some updates at you so you'd at least have an idea of what's going on and why the blogging hiatus.

First off - I'll be returning to Blogger World very shortly. I guess you could say I already have. I took a break to recuperate from last semester. But now I'm back and I'm ready to paaaar-tay. I know. That's lame. Whatever.

Second off - I'm going to San Francisco this Saturday! It's an Alternative Spring Break trip through the University of Maryland. We'll be focusing on the Justice System - visiting Alcatraz and San Quentin, going to middle schools and high schools to talk to kids in gangs, and learning prison prevention programs and community-based service alternatives to jail. Among other things. We may even get to go on a ride along in a police car! Wowsers. Don't tell my mom. Unless you're reading this and you are my mom. In which case I love you and I promise not to do anything stupid. ;)

I'll be blogging about the trip on here and also here.

Third off - the Bible blog is coming back soon! I'm working out the details - and it's definitely taking longer than I thought it would. But, God willing, I'm going to finish!

Fourth off - It's National Women's Month! Sadie has to research a well known woman to research and she picked Zana Briski, author of Born In Brothels! Oh goodness, between that and the fact that she sleeps straight through her alarm every morning - she is sooo her mother's daughter.

Fifth and LAST - I might be going to INDIA this summer for two weeks! Holy manoly, right?? Details to come - if I get accepted into the program. Don't want to count my chickens, you know?

Okay. I lied. One more thing. I'm trying to get published. It's been a goal of mine for forever. And I'm torn between floundering in the magazine world - hoping to make my way or just flat out writing a book. Or maybe working on both. See, I can't decide. Except, I barely have time to squeeze one more thing into my schedule. I really really really want to set aside some time for writing everyday. I've tried a dozen times. I never follow through. Gosh, I guess it's time to pray.

G'night!

5th Cyberspace Poetry Slam for Brigid

2010-02-02T05:17:00.001-08:00

I just happened upon this today and immediately became excited to participate. I didn't like poetry until, in Ms. V's creative writing class in 10th grade, I found out I was good at it. Or at least some people seemed to think I was. Who knows if they were right, but, regardless, I'm thankful, because it has fueled a particular part of my creative spirit that I can't seem to get at with prose.

I wrote this in that class:

Mother Nature's Plea

i scream

i cry

i hurt

and wail

you stand there laughing

hurling things upon me

you are asked if you love me

and you're reply is always 'yes'

yet you stomp on and burn the very skin of my face.

i love you with all my heart

but i can't go on this way

you are destroying me

and in turn, will destroy yourself

and so, it is you, not me,

i plead you learn to love

............................................................................

And another violent metaphor written in the midst of teenage angst . . .

The Burn of Cigarettes

You want me not, you like me not,

you hate me, yet, you need me.

Without me, you are worthless,

I help you live, I help you be

alive, awake, aware of things,

no matter what the cost.

I am your god, you are my slave,

to you, I am the boss.

No matter what I do to you,

I am the one you'll love.

I hit you, smack you, wear you down,

I still, though, rule above.

You know you need to leave me,

but you can't and it's so funny.

You give me everything you have,

your love, your health, your money.

Now, you've given me everything,

for you, there's nothing in return.

And if you don't get out real soon,

you're going to crash and burn.

..................................................................

I don't love either one of them now. But I cherish them because they marked the beginning of a life-long love of poetry. Here's one last poem, written almost a year ago - I think it may be one of my favorites. For now anyway. :)

A(d)dictionary Christian

I love you. And, I love Jesus.
Are you still listening, or did I lose you?

It's okay, I understand.

This is a poem about a girl embarrassed to be called a Christian because she knows what they're like.

This week has brought me to my knees.
I'm crying . . . inside.
She's dying! Hospitalized.
She won't tell me why
Full of small talk and fake smiles.

I meant what I said! I did, I love you.
I'm not supposed to.
I'm supposed to judge you
And propose how much you need a dose of Good Old Fashioned "Family Values",

Whatever that means.
Squash out the Bad Dreams
Christians are people, too.
They just don't act like it . . .

What does it mean to REALLY live?
To really give ALL of yourself?
To really Love? Let's you And I Suck the marrow out of life, shall we?
Like, just Dive In, and GET IT.

My spirit told the funniest joke the other day,
Something about Life and Depth . . . Get it?

He's hilarious!

Oh! You have an iPhone, too!
I want to get one! But I'm afraid that it will invade my brain and turn it into cat chow.
So, obviously, I'm putting off buying one, for now.

We are a nation of McDonaldization.
The radio station plays my Favorite song.
My two year old just loves it! You may have heard it.
It's called the "Stanky Legg". No?
It's a really good song.

Stifling Creativity
Trifling, She's Kidding Me
Tight Hold, Me Pivoting

Let's go the OTHER way.
This one is way too safe!

Let's . . . end poverty.
I think it'll be fun.

Let's forget about getting skinny and just give our food to hungry people. (:

Let's boycott Starbucks!
No wait! Forget I said that -
My friend just bought me a gift card.

This here is the tale of my inconsistent journey to be . . . consistent.

Man, everybody's going to freak out when the Christians go to hell.

December 30th

2009-12-30T09:47:00.000-08:00

31 Days of Jesus!

Day 30 - Praying with a prayer shawl.

I saw this video the other day [I know that it's easy to skip over these videos, but the rest of the blog will make a lot more sense if you take the time to watch it]:

Watching it, I just fell in love with the idea of praying with a prayer shawl. And then, as luck [or God] would have it, I happened to acquire a beautiful one the other day at a clothing swap party. My friend, Amie, saw it first. She had every right to take it as her own, but she is amazingly giving and let me have it instead. :)

I haven't done much research on it. As I'm sure you've surmised, I'm drawn like bees to honey to most all spiritual disciplines [except, notably, for one** [see below for explanation]]. In A Shaping of a Life, Phyllis Tickle writes that her life has ultimately been that of prayer and/or praying. I think mine, on some level, is leading me in a kind of inescapable way toward spiritual disciplines. Although I find myself to be a clumsy disciplinarian.

I did find this website, and I love their ministry. I would recommend perusing their site. I definitely learned a lot.

I don't know much about my new prayer shawl. The friend who'd previously owned it said that she got it from another friend who used it as such. It is gorgeous and someone could just as easily use it as a curtain. But when I put it on earlier today, it seemed to have a calming effect. Like the prayer room at Wheaton Woods last year [and the one in Charlotte], it may just be my imagination [which does have a tendency to run wild] - but I think I can feel residual prayers from a previous owner.

I hope I am not ruining it by typing with it on right now. My netbook does NOT have a calming effect on me.

I think [I think] any old shawl [or blanket or scarf] will do. Perhaps if it has special meaning to you, it may bear more significance in your mind.

The website I referenced above talked about it being a comforting thing. I love that. It's a visceral reminder about God's comforting joy. Mine is not snuggly warm. But, it's beauty helps remind me of God's majesty - something, oddly enough, I have been known to forget.

Also, the mentioned above website offers prayers to pray if you put the thing on and think, "Okay, now what?" If nothing else, you could just pray the Lord's prayer:

"Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done,
On earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we forgive our debtors.
Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory,
Forever and ever,
Amen."

You could also just pray whatever comes to mind - whatever you want to talk to God about. No rules, I don't think. Just quiet contemplation. This is definitely one of those practices where you will generally see it's "fruit" not in the practice itself [although that could happen] put rather in your day to day life living.

**Discipline I'm not drawn to: Fasting. I'm not inclined to deprive myself. Shocking, I know. ;) I'm working on it, though. I don't have to be drawn to it to reap it's benefits when I do it.

Happy New Year's Adam!

December 26th

2009-12-26T18:17:00.000-08:00

31 Days of Jesus!

Day 26 - Spiritual Directing and a look back [also, random fun picture taken at the mall the other day :)].

Hmmm. It's 9:27pm and I'm eating potato chips and drinking Mt. Dew. Don't try this at home.

Hi! I was thinking . . . before we move on to the next day, let's stroll down memory lane and take a gander at what we've done for the past 25 days.

Day 1 - Do NOTHING.

Excellent.

Day 2 - the Welcoming Prayer.

Wow, I'd practically forgotten. I could have used that prayer a lot since December 2nd.

Day 3 - Doing that thing you do [with Prayer and Joy!]

Day 4 - Praying for what you need.

Day 5 - Go outside and play!

Yay!

Day 6 - Rest.

Ahhhhh.

Day 7 - New Years Resolutions! I loved that day. :)

Day 8 - The Gift of Surprise.

Again, thank you, Jess! =D

Day 9 - Watch a Nooma video! [I watched Whirlwind [whoop, whoop!]]

Day 10 - Thank God!

Day 11 and 12 and 13 - Fixed Hour Prayer.

Yay Phyllis Tickle!

Day 14 - Souvenirs [saving the bits that will help you remember where God was present in the tough patches [or wilderness] of life].

Day 15 and 16 - sacrificed for the sake of exam week.

Day 17 - Cooking for Jesus!

Day 18 - see days 15 and 16.

Day 19 - Throw out your to-do list!

Day 20 - Exercise for Jesus. :P

Day 21 - Daily Examen.

Day 22 and 23 - Another sacrifice - this time for a trip to Charlotte, NC.**

**Confession time - I lost it here. I completely lost the reason for the season and shifted into "frantic gift shopping mode". It was ugly. It's not that shopping is ugly. No, no, no. I was ugly. I totally lost sight of what's important and became obsessed with my agenda. Unfortunately, it happened at the expense of my loving husband. Oh, thank God he's so forgiving.

Day 24 - Take a deep breath [a miracle just in time for Christmas].

I didn't do one yesterday. Ha. I didn't do anything yesterday actually. My mom and dad had to work [boooo for them]. Sadie is visiting her biological father. Jermaine and I slept in and then lounged [or "rested"] all day. It was marvelous. I was actually able to contemplate Jesus and God's amazing gift to us.

And now [drum roll please] for Day 26 - Spiritual Directing!

I first heard about spiritual direction in the book The Sacred Way by Tony Jones. I felt immediately drawn to the idea. In the official version, you get together with a Certified Spiritual Director and they ask you some questions. Not in a judging way. Just gently probing - asking where you feel God's presence. Where you don't. And other such similar questions.

Henri Nouwen's website offers the best example I could find.

My friend Amie and I get together every so often and sort of conduct our own version. Often, we just end up bonding and chatting. But, it's quality friendship time and I always feel God's presence.

I'm leaving Charlotte Monday morning, so we're going to have session tomorrow night before I go home. I decided to post it tonight because I won't have the chance to post before tomorrow evening [if at all] and I wanted to you to have the chance to find a friend and try it if you wanted to.

Have a good night! Love!

Christmas Eve

2009-12-24T19:55:00.001-08:00

31 Days of Jesus! Christmas Eve edition - Take a Deep Breath.

Merry Christmas Eve! This has been a very special day for my family - and I wanted to share our story with you!

8 years ago my uncle Danny got a new set of lungs because his were quite messed up. Unfortunately, his body rejected them. For nearly a decade he's been struggling just to breathe. It's been a long, painful journey for him and our family [especially his wife, and his two sons, Jesse and Josh]. And for a while now, we've been waiting for another new pair. But, at first, he was too sick to have the surgery.

Last August, Danny was finally deemed well enough for new lungs. And a new kind of wait began.

A couple months ago, we got the call - lungs in Pittsburgh! Uncle Danny, Aunt Tammy and the rest of their family piled in their car and drove from Bradford, PA to Pittsburgh. We were prayerful and excited. But - when they got there . . . they discovered that the lungs that had been donated were no good.

It was shocking and sad and there was nothing we could do but pray. And, honestly, it didn't seem like enough.

And then - yesterday, we got another call - a second donor - offering his heart to a 73 year man and his lungs to my uncle Danny.

And - they were good!

He had the surgery today. He's in recovery now. My aunt said he's doing much better than he was right after he had the last surgery 8 years ago. That's a good good sign!

We still don't know what the future will hold. Our hope is nervous - but it's also abundant. My mom broke down in tears today when she got the call. Because the reality of the matter is that someone had to lose their life so that my uncle can live his. That's so . . . remarkable. And truly and surely what this crazy thing called Christmas is all about.

Thank You, God! And merry merry Christmas!

And that's pretty much it. Have a happy Christmas. And thank you for reading my blog. :)

December 21st

2009-12-21T21:15:00.000-08:00

31 Days of Jesus - Day 21 - Daily Examen.

I don't feel like writing this. I'm upset about my a grade I got . . .

I tried to write about an hour ago. It felt forced so I stopped. Sitting at my computer, playing on Facebook, I realized, I really need to practice the Daily Examen tonight. I need to take a look what this day has been about and where God has been in it.

At first, I thought I wasn't going to write because I didn't want to do it just because I felt like I was "supposed" to - like, people are expecting me to, and would be disappointed in me if I didn't. That's not what this blog is about - and I'm trying to let go of that kind of stuff.

And so, it's good. I let go of that reason. I no longer feel pressured to write this because of what you may or may not think of me.

But, then, God gave me a new reason. Because if I really need this, someone else may need it too.

If you're not a night owl, you'll probably read this in the morning. You can certainly do it then [for the day before] if you have time. If not, then maybe tomorrow night.

I'm not really up to explaining the nitty gritty details. And besides, this website does a much better job than I could ever do. And this PDF spells out exactly what you're supposed to do. I highly recommend this practice. It's truly good God stuff.

Good night, sweet people.

December 20th

2009-12-20T14:51:00.000-08:00

31 Days of Jesus - Day 20: Exercise!

I feel close to God when I work out. I almost feel like it doesn't make sense, and that maybe, it shouldn't be included as a part of this 31 Days of Jesus journey. But, this is where I am today. And so far, through this whole thing, it's been incredibly fruitful for me to use the stuff that makes up my day and my overall morale to write this blog.

I'm done with school. I've been cleaning our horribly messy room for most of the day and watching the Biggest Loser Thanksgiving Edition as a way to get motivated to begin the process of getting back in shape. Jermaine and I trudged outside with our neighbor's shovel and were successful in digging our car out of the snow. Right before we ate, I squeezed in a powerful 10 minute workout and I'm aiming to get myself back out to our apartment gym in a couple of hours [after my belly has settled from dinner].

Oh, and also, randomly, I just finished watching some sort of Olympic skiing competition. And it got me thinking . . . I want to go snowboarding!

And so, I think I'm going to try to make it a reward for myself. If I can stick to an exercise routine for 6 weeks in a row then, on February 5th [tentatively], I'll head up to the mountains.

One of my major problems is that I tend to "reward" myself with food. Bad day? Have a candy bar. Big test? Buy some cheesecake. Gluttony, shame, low-self esteem, perpetuating bad habits; they're all interconnected and keep me messed up. I keep thinking that I need to figure it all out [ie: why I'm doing this to my body] before I can begin to fix the problems. But I'm learning that maybe I need to begin the *work* of fixing the problem before I get it all figured out.

ALSO - I don't want to do this alone. I realized that's why I keep blogging about my weight [http://outofshapeaerobicsinstructor.blogspot.com]. I'm hopelessly social and it's my own unique way of reaching out [even though I'm embarrassed] because I know I'm not alone in how I feel. There are thousands of people out there who struggle with weight and self esteem issues [regardless of the number on the scale].

Maybe today [or tonight, rather], we can prayerfully exercise, asking God how he wants us to use our bodies to glorify him.

Oh! And PS. I don't want to go snowboarding alone, either. My friend Jess and I are tentatively planning a trip this year - if you want to join us, let me know! We'll figure out a weekend that works well for all of us [the more the merrier!].

Love!

December 19th

2009-12-19T19:00:00.000-08:00

31 Days of Jesus - Day 19 - Throw out your to-do list!

That's it. Just throw it out. Heh, if you live in Maryland or Virginia then you're probably snowed in anyway. We sure were! :)

I know it's late. You probably don't have anything else on your to-do list today [I'm banking on the fact that most of the people reading this watched TV all day as the snow piled up outside]. If you couldn't throw it out today, then you can tomorrow!

I've been trying to figure out what to do for today all day long. I finished my last exam OF THE SEMESTER at noon today and I've been chillaxing ever since. :P Finally realized that considering the past few months I've had, that's a totally awesome way of getting closer to Jesus!

After months of feeling the heavy weight of the homework I had every time I wanted to just chill out. It's freeing to let go of that guilt.

Good night! Happy slacking!

December 17th

2009-12-17T11:20:00.000-08:00

31 Days of Jesus - Day 17 - Cooking for Jesus.

Hello! Sorry I missed a couple days. Tuesday and Wednesday were the most difficult of my exam week. I'm so glad they're over! I just finished my easiest exam. And so all I have left is one more on Saturday morning and then I'm COMPLETELY DONE for the semester. Oh goodness. Thank God!

I have some fun news. Author Keri Wyatt Kent read my December 6th blog where I mentioned reading the first couple chapters of her book, Rest, at a bookstore and commented - offering to send me a copy if I promised to review it on my blog! I'm really psyched about it! I have a weekly devotional that she wrote called Simple Compassion that I read every Sunday - and I really like it. She combines the concepts of "quiet time" with God [or whatever you want to call it] and the spiritual discipline of giving or serving. Some of the concepts I feel like I've wrestled with in-depth already. But others are completely new. I find it gives me something to focus on every week.

Haha, sorry. Didn't exactly mean to turn this blog into a review of that book. ;o) Moving on.

Cooking!

I love to cook. And I love to bake. Especially for people. Maybe it's because I'm a woman and I've been socialized to like it and to gather some of my self-worth from doing it well [so says the sociologist in me]. But, I don't care. It's fun. And everyone likes to be cooked for, right?

Tonight, Jason and Jen, the couple that Jermaine, Sadie and I will be moving in with very soon, are coming over. Jason is allergic to dogs. Our dog is supposedly "hypo-allergenic" so we're getting them together to see how Jason does [and if it would be remotely possible for us to bring our dog into their house]. Jermaine is going to cook Curry pork and rice [he makes a mean curry dish].

Spending time together. Cooking for your friends or family or both or strangers. Baking bread for your neighbor. I really feel Jesus' presence when I do these things. Haha, I guess you could say I'm cheating today because we've had this planned [and not as one of ours days for Jesus] for a week. But, oh well. It's good stuff regardless. :)

So have a cookie swap. Or make your parents dinner. Or make suckers out of hard candy with your kids. The main point of this day is to make something in your kitchen and give it to someone else.

Ooh. And I want to add a recipe to this blog. On Recipezaar I found this one; Better than Olive Garden Alfredo Sauce. It truly is [it's also over 1000 calories, though!].

Happy cooking!

December 14th

2009-12-14T15:47:00.000-08:00

31 Days of Jesus - Day 14 - Souvenirs.

Going to aim to make this really short and sweet [without all the word fluff I usually add] because I have a very difficult exam at 8am tomorrow.

My friend, Meghan, introduced me to this sermon series at her church [Renovatus in Charlotte, NC] called "In the Wilderness" because she knows I've been going through a very difficult time these last few months. The series is freaking awesome. I highly advise you check it out. Particularly the one that led me to today's blog called "Souvenirs".

Basic gist: we generally gather souvenirs to remember happy times. But, in the desert, God called Moses and the Israelites to save some of the Manna. He wanted them to remember that he was with them during that difficult time.

When I start to think about it, I'm blown away by all the times I felt God's presence in my life. In the good times for sure, but in the dark times - he's peeking out of practically every crevice!

I wanted to share one of those times with you. I hope my friend Jess won't mind. Last year [during exams] she sent me a message of "exam encouragement" on Facebook:

                Jessica Jean Hudgens                       December 15, 2008 at 10:44am   

            

         I was praying for you just a minute ago, and I barely got three sentences out before God gave me a word for you.

He wants you to have peace during this exam week, B. He wants you to know that He has it all under control. Study, work hard, but put your faith in Him, not in your own understanding. He has placed a call on your life - and He will be faithful to fulfill that. Have faith in that and know that this exam week is only a step toward that life He called you to, and that no matter what happens this week (though I know you are brilliant and should have no worries) - you are called and you are worthy of that call. Find peace in that.

I love you.

"Yes, blessed is she who believed that the promise made her by the Lord would be fulfilled."  - Luke 1:45

Reading that, a year ago, I was reduced to tears [in a good way]. I hadn't even been that worried about my exams - but in that moment I was so touched and so encouraged! It really helped me get a feel for the bigger picture.

Now, every exam week, I dig this message out of my inbox. It still makes me cry. And it still helps me focus on God's larger plan for my life. This exam week it's been especially helpful because this has been probably the hardest semester of my school career.

And all I can say is thank you, Jess. And thank You, God!

December 11th and 12th and 13th

2009-12-12T07:15:00.000-08:00

31 Days of Jesus - Days 11 and 12 and 13!

Fixed Hour Prayer

Sigh. I did it. I missed a day. Sorry. :(

It was semi-intentional. I had planned to write at some point [and I had figured out what the day was going to be about]. But I still hadn't done it at 11pm. For the past few days I've spent the last hour of the day racing to finish this blog. Aside from the fact that that's not incredibly Jesus-centered [I wasn't actually contemplating that at all], I was really tired. So, I committed to writing in the morning, and curled up with a good book [Phyllis Tickle's autobiography The Shaping of a Life: A Spiritual Landscape]. Jermaine is on the middle school retreat so Sadie cozied up next to me and read The Mitten and Thundercake [we'll not talk about why she was up at 11pm].

My friend Amie lent me the book I'm reading now. It seems very fitting to mention her. And to mention Ms. Tickle. Amie introduced me to the wonderful world of spiritual disciplines. I was visiting Charlotte a couple of years ago and I chanced to attend a Bible study she was leading [which happened to be about the disciplines]. Although I didn't realize it at the time, that Bible study absolutely changed my life. It opened up a world to me [a "spiritual landscape" you might say] that I was completely unaware existed. And she raved about Phyllis Tickle, who compiled these books called The Divine Hours, which brings me back to the subject at hand.

Fixed Hour Prayer is a practice that has been around since the birth of Christianity[and long before, in fact]. This link at Phyllis Tickle's website offers a brilliant explanation of what this discipline is all about. I will [attempt to] give you the abbreviated version.

Wait. No, scratch that. Ms. Tickle says it way better than I could. Here is an excerpt from her website detailing Fixed Hour Prayers origin:

Fixed-hour prayer is the oldest form of Christian spiritual discipline and has its roots in the Judaism out of which Christianity came. When the Psalmist says, "Seven times a day do I praise You," he is referring to fixed-hour prayer as it existed in ancient Judaism. We do not know the hours that were appointed in the Psalmist's time for those prayers. By the turn of the era, however, the devout had come to punctuate their work day with prayers on a regimen that followed the flow of Roman commercial life. Forum bells began the work day at six in the morning (prime, or first hour), sounded mid-morning break at nine (terce, or third hour), the noon meal and siesta or break at twelve (sext, or sixth hour), the re-commencing of trade at three (none, or ninth hour), and the close of business at six (vespers). With the addition of evening prayers and early prayers upon arising, the structure of fixed-hour prayer was established in a form that is very close to that which Christians still use today. [http://phyllistickle.com/fixedhourprayer.html]

I fell in love with The Divine Hours because I wanted to pray more, but I didn't know what to say. With this practice, I'm reading the Lord's Prayer, certain selected poems and songs, and passages from the Bible. I don't end up feeling like my prayer is too self-centered. And, it's all about praising God - something I've never been fully able to wrap my mind around - or practice with a spontaneous prayer without feeling completely ridiculous.

I don't know if I'm explaining this adequately, but in a way, I feel like the best way to learn is just to do it. This link will give the prayers for the appointed time [it's also the first link on PT's resource page]. She arranges it a little bit differently than the passage above. Her fixed hours are 6-9am, 11am-2pm, 5-8pm, and the Vesper's [right before bed]. The actual reading takes about 5 minutes and you are supposed to read it on a half-hour [so, for the first one, you would read it at either 6, 6:30, 7, 7:30, 8, 8:30 or 9am]. But, don't sweat it if the timing is off. Especially if you've never done this before. Just try it. Read the prayers out loud if you can. This is another one of those practices that you see the "fruit" of it or the results while living life. Although, you could totally experience God while reading through them [and actually, the New Testament has several stories of apostles doing just that!].

I have a lot of studying to do. But, I'm going to try to get a little bit of the Sabbath good stuff tomorrow. That's, of course, why I included it today. But also, I think it's important to try to get into the rhythm of the Divine Hours. I'm hoping two days will help you to begin to do that. :)

December 10th

2009-12-10T20:42:00.000-08:00

31 Days of Jesus: Day 10 - I don't know??

Side Shout Out - HAPPY BIRTHDAY SADIE!

Goodness gracious! I don't know if I'm going to get this post out before midnight! I'll make it short and sweet [or quick and dirty -whichever phrase you're feeling at the moment].

Today was busy - in a very good way! My spirits are soaring [which is a little crazy because they were waaaay low yesterday]. But we got to celebrate Sadie's birthday and then went over to have dinner with some new friends. AND, they invited us to come live with them!!!!

It's such an amazing God-orchestrated thing! We're just totally blown away. :)

So yeah, the only thing that seems right to do today is to thank Jesus. I know you all have your own things going on. Maybe it''s been a rough day. Maybe it's been as good as ours.

But, either way, let's just stop and thank God for the good and the bad. I mean, really, what else do you have to do at 11:54pm on a Thursday night?

Sweet dreams!

Ooh - PS. School is almost over -and once that's done, these blogs will come a lot earlier, I promise [so, you actually do them that day, lol].

December 9th

2009-12-09T17:38:00.000-08:00

31 Days of Jesus: Day 9 - Whirlwind.

I would have gotten this out earlier, but I was having a moral dilemma. I had a really rough day today so I went on YouTube to watch a Nooma video. I'm a bit of a sermon geek and Nooma videos are like bite-sized sermons. I had a feeling God would lead me to something I needed to hear.

And, boy, did he!

I ended up watching Whirlwind, which centers around the story of Job from the Bible - a wealthy man who loses everything - his stuff, his health and his kids. His wife advises him to curse God and die [awesome]. His friends come over and engage him in this lengthy debate - essentially, why do bad things happen to good people??

Then God shows up. And God has some questions, too - and they cut deep - they are sassy yet compassionate, sarcastic yet full of love. And most of the Nooma video is Rob [Bell] spouting out God's questions from the book of Job. I had no idea they went on that long! Verse after verse after verse. The questions comforted and disturbed me deep down in my soul. It was a bit like drinking a most delicious drink that is just a little too hot to be consumed. It really helped me make it through this difficult day.

I wanted so badly to share the video with you! I didn't know if it would affect you the same way [and it would be totally okay if it didn't], but I felt this burning to desire to pass this on.

There was just one minor problem . . . the Nooma videos on YouTube are pirated. Thus, the moral dilemma. It's like stealing a Bible from a hotel. Okay, well, it's not exactly like that. But, although I could have uploaded them onto Blogger [as I've done before], it just didn't seem right.

So, I did what any of you would have done in my situation. I googled it. I found a discussion on Facebook about the pirated YouTube videos, and, in that same discussion, an answer to my problem! Apparently at http://player.flannel.org/map, you can get a ticket to watch one free Nooma video per day! And, you can also buy tickets for those who can't afford to buy the movies. I think it's a really sweet idea!

Day 9 has truly been a whirlwind for me. Instead of uploading the video - I'm going to encourage to you go and pick out a video that speaks to you. They even have two of his tours uploaded on there! I have them both - and I think they're pretty nifty.

Okay. I'm so done. Good night cyberworld.

December 8th

2009-12-08T08:52:00.000-08:00

31 Days of Jesus - Day 8 - The gift of Surprise!

Ugh. Sorry to get this out so late. One of those days, you know? Had a major paper due today. Got up at 4:30am. There was a car on fire on I495 on my way to school this morning. I tried to research it earlier but was unsuccessful. I just found this link that reports the driver made it out okay, thanks to a good Samaritan. That's definitely a relief!

I figured out what I wanted to do for Day 8. However, I was going to change it because I didn't get a chance to actually do the exercise. But then - out of the blue - my friend, Jess, [without even the slightest clue] did it for me!

I wanted to propose we all give a surprise gift. Something homemade to someone unsuspecting - maybe even someone we're on the outs with. I'm not on the outs with Jess, but she did surprise me! She ended up with a gift subscription to the Food Network magazine and for some reason [or God*] she decided to offer it to me!

I know it's late, so you're probably not planning on jumping up from your computer right this minute to go and surprise someone. But if you get a chance, maybe you can do it tomorrow. I can honestly say, the subscription made my day - especially since I feel like I'm up to my ears with stress. It felt really good that she thought of me. :)

Thanks Jess!

*not to say it was God's plan to give me more stuff [I mean, maybe it was - he is the God of getting lots and lots of crap**, right?] - no, no, no - I was suggesting that God may have been helping out with this blog [because, of course, he's also the God of bloggerific fun].

**NOT to say the Food Network magazine is crap! No, no, no.

December 7th

2009-12-07T07:01:00.001-08:00

31 Days of Jesus - Day 7 - New Years' Resolutions!

I am a dreamer. When I was a kid, I spent hours playing out loud - imagining myself as a glamorous adult, winning awards in the white hot light of a pretend stage [fame has always been my Achilles heel]. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that during times of boredom or restlessness [like when I'm stuck in traffic or while cleaning] I am not above revisiting my childhood fantasies. I would like to think they've become a bit more sophisticated, but that is probably not the case. ;)

Much of the work of my life as a Christian has been to let go of my perpetual dreaming and live - gratefully and vividly - in the present. But sometimes . . . sometimes I think my dreams can be useful. I think they've helped me to focus on the outlandish [like a single mom returning to school full time or moving 400 miles away from her amazing parents and friends]. I also think my ability to dream has graced me with the guts, in some capacity anyhow, to work on turning those crazy schemes into realities.

I love New Year's Resolutions. I never get tired of the ones I continue to make year after year - although I tend to feel a more concrete resolve to "really do it this year". I know it's a bit early - I guess most people don't begin to conjure up their hopes and dreams for the next year until the week after Christmas. But I would like to propose that, in the spirit of the 31 Days of Jesus, we may be able to use our resolutions this year to conceptualize and further explore our God-given purposes. Maybe I'm just especially excited about 2010, because first of all, I'm graduating from college(!), and second [for me and my family], 2009 has been a very difficult year.

I got the idea for resolutions last week, but it didn't seem to fit until today. I've got a huge paper due tomorrow and [as you probably know] a lot on my plate in general. I thought this exercise might be particularly helpful today in assisting me to see past this wretched semester and onto the big[ger] picture.

So [drum roll, please], here are a few of mine:

I plan to finish my Bible blog. I had to take a break from it because I inadvertently took on too many classes - but I am hoping that I can dive back into it during winter break and at the very least finish within a year.
I want to make a real attempt at getting published - and beyond that, begin to build a freelance writing career. I've always fancied myself a writer. When I returned to college, though, I discovered that I wasn't a very good one. I was afraid that the years spent partying had damaged valuable brain cells that were supposed be set aside for writing well. I decided the best way to become better at my craft [and to see if there was still hope for me] was to read. And read. And read some more [in fact, my writing tends to be very swayed by what I have most recently read [in today's case, it was scholarly sociological journals [which explains my choice of big words in this blog]]]. It was, if I do say so myself, a brilliant idea. I can actually see the improvement each semester. I will, of course, continue to read [and read and read and read], but I now feel like I possess the confidence and the ability to actually become published. I can only hope my future editors agree.
A couple blogs ago, I wrote about this idea I had - a grassroots organization helping people who have survived human trafficking. I still most definitely want to pursue that. But I have decided to bring the dream down to scale a bit in 2010. I want to craft recycled journals and sell them on Etsy.com. Most of the profits will either go toward my imagined future organization or to help an already dreamed up organization like Free the Slaves or the Polaris Project. And I will hopefully use the extra time I'm giving myself to research the project further.

I have other more practical resolutions, but these are the ones where I most feel God's prodding [not to say that God doesn't prod in the practical!]. I pray this exercise rejuvenates you as much as it has me.

Now, back to my research paper . . .

December 6th

2009-12-05T21:26:00.000-08:00

The painting on the left is entitled "The Sabbath Rest" and it was done by Samuel Hirszenberg in 1894.

31 Days of Jesus - Day 6 - Rest.

In a bookstore a couple of months ago I read through the first few chapters of Keri Wyatt Kent's book Rest, about the Sabbath. One of the things that stuck out for me was this idea of letting go of perfectionism. Most Christians I know have tried to keep the Sabbath—and failed miserably. And many of the sermons I've heard about the day of rest speak of its importance, but they don't necessarily mention that it's okay to fail. Or that, like an artist hones her craft, one gets better at keeping the Sabbath with practice. And, importantly, that even the failed attempts are essential [Rob Bell talks about this [though not in regards to the Sabbath] in his book Drops Like Stars].

In Kent's book she confesses that during her child's soccer season, she and her family struggle to maintain a Sabbath. That is extremely comforting. Because while I'm in school, and especially as I get closer to finals, I find it almost impossible to practice a whole day of rest.

Not that I try really hard. The Sabbath is one of those spiritual disciplines I find myself trying to ignore. Not purposefully, but just because I'm so ridiculously busy. But still, I feel God's gentle prodding. In sermons, in conversations, in books and even in my thoughts, the call to rest rings clear and true. And yet, I cover my ears and I scribble down that day's to-do list.

In a sermon, Rob Bell once remarked that the Sabbath was about stopping your work even when it was not done. That struck me as a remarkable concept. Because it makes sense—our work is never truly finished. But also because I think deep down I have this idea that I can't stop until I'm done.

And that's totally false.

In Girl Meets God, Lauren Winner shares her experience with Shabbat, the Jewish day of rest. She talks about the importance of Preparation. I guess that's why I'm writing this blog. It's why I took a shower tonight and why I'm going to try to lay out my clothes for tomorrow morning. Sabbath was meant to be a joyous occasion and highly anticipated. And so I'm hoping to spend the rest of my evening planning, so that I can wake up in the morning and really dive into God's good stuff.

I'm not going to have a whole day of rest. I have to work at 1pm and then finish my homework tomorrow night. But from the time I lay my head on my pillow until I have to begin my work, I will be making an effort to experience Sabbath. And through the Sabbath, feel God's love and desire for me to play and rest with him.

The New American Standard Bible translates Psalm 46:10 [Be still, and know that I am God] as, "Cease striving". I freaking love that.

May you cease striving today.

December 5th

2009-12-05T16:51:00.001-08:00

31 Days of Jesus - Day 5 . . . Go outside and play!

Dedicated to one of my favorite people, Abi England. I used to attend the same Sunday School class as her when I lived in Charlotte. And at the beginning [or end, I don't remember] of every meeting, we'd share praises and prayer requests. She worked with kids back then, I think. I didn't know her very well. But I remember that she often shared "praise reports" sharing how she got to go outside and that it was just so beautiful. I vividly remember being in awe of her simple praise. I'm not an extremely "outdoorsy" person. But her face and her eyes just lit up as she praised God for the gift of experiencing his natural creation. She radiated with joy, and it was contagious.

It's a little late now. Haha, sorry about that. I tweeted and Facebooked what this blog was going to be about earlier today. If you are trying to follow along every day, and you didn't get this until tonight, I am sincerely sorry. But, I'm sure this goes without saying that you needn't follow these exercises "religiously". If you don't get outside until tomorrow or next week, no matter.

I went out and played in the snow with Sadie today! It was loads of fun, except for the fact that I don't own a pair of boots - my thick socks and tennis shoes held up for about an hour before I felt my toes becoming wet and cold. Thankfully, we didn't make it out of the house until 4pm, so we only had an hour of daylight left for frolicking. We sledded and made a snowwoman. All in all, a blast was had.

At the end, Sadie became a little whiny, wondering out loud why we didn't get to do other fun snow activities, like having a snowball fight. Irritated, I explained to her that it would make me very happy if she could be thankful for what we did get to do instead of whining about what we didn't. She contemplated that as we trudged home, both a little sad, and walked in the door dripping with cold, wet, slushy snow.

But even if it was a little dampened at the end I can't help but be thankful for the time we had together. Her and I, we giggled and guffawed out there in the cold today. If you're a parent, I'm sure you know, one of the most sincerest pleasures as your kids grow up, is to share a whole-hearted laugh with them. Not to laugh at something they did that was cute [although that's great, too], but to realize that they are growing up - and their humor is maturing! And suddenly, you understand each other on this whole new level. And it's beautiful and precious and funny.

Yay, God!

December 4th

2009-12-04T16:40:00.000-08:00

31 Days of Jesus - Beautiful Interruption

Sorry I didn't write earlier. I got an idea yesterday for what I wanted to do today and I got really excited about it. But, then . . . well, today has just been so hard. I decided to hold off on that idea and pick an exercise that I did this afternoon in an act of sheer desperation.

Day 4 - praying for what you need.

I was at this Bible Study in Charlotte about a month ago called the Kiln. We were talking about simplicity and specifically loving God simply. One of the girls mentioned how good and wonderful and okay it is to pray for what you need. It really struck me because I have a tendency to feel guilty if my prayers are focused on me. I feel like I'm being selfish, that I should really be praying for others.

I had what Andrea calls a "mini-meltdown" earlier today. Suddenly and unexpectedly, while on the phone with Jermaine, tears just started streaming down my face. His whole unemployment situation, I feel like it just grinds on me little by little everyday. It wore me down until today I broke.

I felt really fragile all day. School is stressing my out and my back is still hurting [not as much, but it hurts when I sit - so the hour long commute, and sitting for class and homework [the only three things I'm required to do daily] all end up being really uncomfortable]. These things, combined with the stress of Jermaine's unemployment, just had me feeling really vulnerable.

I feel like I'm done. I'm ready to move past this point in our lives. And I feel so helpless. What can I do to help him find a job? It's sort of been all wrong from the start. I've struggled with depression, anger and trust issues with God. I haven't been as supportive of Jermaine's way of doing things as I feel I should be. I know, on some level, that the trials we're facing are really imperative to our spiritual growth, but man, I just don't feel strong enough to go through it anymore. And, what's more, I know God has the ability to give me the strength, but I don't want it. I just this to be over.

I had to go over to our friend's house today. They have been insanely generous to Jermaine and I since both of our cars have been in the shop. We got one of them out today so I was driving over to their house to give them back their vehicle. As I was walking up to their door I just got this feeling - I needed to pray with someone! I'm not strong right now. That much is obvious. I needed someone else to be strong for me for a little while. So when she opened the door I just totally spilled my guts [and interrupted whatever she had been doing at the moment]. I asked if she would pray for me. I don't know her really well, so I guess you could say this was the most intense conversation we'd ever had.

But it was beautiful. And as she prayed for Jermaine and I, her toddler ran around reeking havoc in the living room. I loved it. I was intensely grateful that she would allow my interruption and, I think, she felt blessed to have the opportunity to help me in that way.

So, that's basically it. Jermaine didn't get a job today but I was able to make it through the rest of the day - and that in itself is sort of a miracle. And so, for today, or whenever you read this, take a few moments to access your needs. And then, either with a friend or on your own, lay them out before the Lord. I'm learning how much he cherishes these beautiful interruptions.

Resources:

http://crcc.org
http://24-7prayer.org
http://www.charlotte24-7.com/

December 3rd

2009-12-03T07:10:00.000-08:00

31 Days of Jesus: Day 3 - Doing that thing you do, Part I

This idea has been bouncing around in my head for the past couple of days. It's easy to get bogged down by the mundane tasks that make up your average work day. So, the goal for today is to become really aware of Jesus' presence in the boring stuff. Whether you're a stay-at-home mom, a student, a pastor, a receptionist, are currently unemployed or anything in between, make an effort to see God shining through your work. You can do this a number of ways:

¹⁶Be joyful always; ¹⁷pray continually; ¹⁸give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

You could pick a bible verse [or a phrase you love] and repeat over and over again in your head [or out loud, if you're feeling spicy]. When I first became a Christian, I was working at a ski shop in Charlotte. I wanted to bring God into my work because it was so easy for me to forget about him [sadly, 5 years later, it still is]. I was overcoming various addictions and mending some of the ways I had messed up my life and I knew that if I didn't remember God's goodness everyday, I could easily slip back into the mistakes of my then very recent past. So, everyday I picked out a bible verse to memorize and repeated all day long. It gave me something to do when we were slow and I was just straightening winter jackets. And it helped me to really focus on my Creator and the opportunity to marvel and ponder whatever verse I was learning.
You could give endless thanks. It's a theory of mine that a person could begin giving thanks and potentially never run out of things to be grateful for. IE: Thank you for the couch I'm sitting on, that my back doesn't hurt as much anymore, for Ibuprofen, for Blogger, for this blog, for 31 days of Jesus, for friends, for Jermaine, for Sadie, for Sadie's Snowy Splash, that I got to see Cathy and Jeremy and Frankie last weekend, that they took us to a craft fair [especially because Jermaine hates those kinds of things], that my husband is not cheesy, that I am, for Sadie's gift with people, and her gift with math, for Andrea, for the amazing conversations we have, for this new fire she feels to help the people of South Africa, for her desire to go to South Africa [!!], for my amazing Charlotte/Brunswick friends, for my wonderful, loving, generous parents, for their funny quirks, for school, that I'll be graduating soon, for trees, for potatoes, for my favorite hoodie, etc, etc, etc. You get the picture. I literally could go on for hours. Unfortunately, this blog is only supposed to take 15 minutes and we've already blown by the half hour mark.
You could pray silently for all of the people you encounter today at work [or school, or home]. So, for example, we had to give presentations today in one of my classes. I could have prayed for each student as they went up. I could have prayed for my professor as I was begging her to let me make up some of the assignments I missed. I have a ton of homework - namely two presentations - one on women pastors and one on the United Kingdom. While I'm doing them I can ask God to bless my words. I pray for the UK and for men and women pastors all over the world. You could pray for your future employer, your kids, your co-workers and the customers that will buy the products that your company sells. This is also the type of thing that could go on endlessly. Ooh! And I just had a thought - if you're shopping, you can pray for the people running you over to get to the hot ticket items and for the saleperson who is probably over-worked and underpaid. You can pray for the person/people who made the shirt/toy/game/etc that you're buying.

It sounds a bit corny, but basically, whatever you do, do it with Jesus in the forefront of your mind. For me this is one of those heady exercises that tends to make me feel like I'm really living. One of my major goals in life is to figure out everyday what it means to live life to the fullest. So, of course, I love this type of thing. Also, I feel like it can be a Godsend in dealing with conflict. On the other hand, I'm sure you know that committing to do this exercise is a bit like asking for trouble as far as conflict is concerned.

Happy doing! Love you!

December 2nd

2009-12-02T09:19:00.001-08:00

Day number 2! - The Welcoming Prayer

My friend, Patsy, introduced me to this practice and it has been incredibly helpful to me.

It's fairly simple [although a bit more involved than doing nothing]. :)

First:

Focus, feel, and sink into
the feelings, emotions, thoughts, sensations,
and commentaries in your body.

Second:

Welcome the Divine Indwelling in the feelings,
emotions, thoughts, commentaries,
or sensations in your body by saying
“Welcome.”

Third:

Let go by repeating the following sentences:

“I let go of the desire for
security, affection, control.”

“I let go of the desire to change
this feeling/sensation." (Contem plative Prayer, Welcoming Prayer Brochure, 2)

So, for example, I'm harboring negative feelings toward a professor of mine. Every day, when it's time to go to that class, I feel my body tensing up.

First, I'll focus on my professor and the way I feel about her. I'll pay special attention to how my body feels. My whole body is locked. My jaw is especially tight and I'm breathing short, shallow breaths. Also, I've become so anxious that my stomach physically hurts. I acknowledge the ways that my body and my mind feel. I'll spend time on each uncomfortable element as if I was sitting with a dear friend.

Second, I'll welcome these sensations [out loud if possible].

"Welcome negative feelings about my professor."
"Welcome tenseness and tightness in my jaw, face, legs and the rest of my body."
"Welcome stomachache."

Third, I let go [again, out loud if possible]. I let go of my desire for security [in this case, the desire to know I'm going to get a decent grade]. I let go of my desire for affection [this professor, I acknowledge, doesn't have to like me]. I let go of my desire to control the situation [it's not the end of the world if I don't pass]. And, finally, I let go of my desire to change the situation [it's also okay that I don't like her].

This may seem counter-intuitive to the way we've been taught to pray. That's part of the reason it's so beautiful. It's easy and simple enough to do practically anywhere. And if you practice it regularly, you'll most likely reap the benefits in your daily life.

For more information about Welcoming Prayer check out The Contemplative Outreach website.

December 1st

2009-12-01T18:00:00.000-08:00

31 days of Jesus!

I'm so freaking excited! And I'm so freaking bogged down by my to-do list! But this is the good stuff kids go for. So! Here. We. Go.

Here's the skinny if you have no idea what I'm talking about:

I got this idea a couple of weeks ago. I love Christmas but I always feel like I lose my way a little every season. I forget how much God loves me and that I don't need to prove anything to anyone [not even myself].

I'll be posting simple exercises/activities/ideas that will hopefully help me and you to focus on what matters most. If you have an idea - let me know!

Thank you for doing this with me. I probably love you. :)

ACTIVITY FOR DAY ONE . . .

. . . Do Nothing.

A counselor once asked me when was the last time I sat still with no background noise and did . . . nothing. I couldn't remember. 5 years later, I still can't. And yet, it's one of my favorite ways to unwind. It's such a ridiculously simple concept. But it can be an intense challenge. If you have kids, you may want to wait until they slip off to sleep [or wake up before they do tomorrow morning if you're an early riser]. For 5 minutes or more, sit or lie comfortably. Position yourself in a place with as little noise as possible. Don't try to think of anything in particular, but it's okay to let your mind wander. I think it has a way of clearing itself out.

And that's it. Es todo.

I really put a lot of thought into how to start this month off. In the midst of the busyness - this seems like the perfect way to begin.

And so, yay! Here we go!

PS. It's totally ok if you fall asleep. :)

National pimp your husband day [Extended Version]

2009-08-27T15:35:00.000-07:00

It's like one of those carpet sales. It just keeps going and going and going. Or is that the Energizer Bunny?

Anyhow. If you don't understand what I'm talking about, then you should check out the blog I wrote last night.

No big fancy words this time. I thought about copying and pasting the other blog onto this one. But seemed like a waste creative juices. I decided to make a fun picture design blog instead.

Here's a gander at the good stuff of Jermaine [my faves]:

***Baby Oil [Bedtime Version] -- this may be my ultimate favorite - but then again, I'm a sucker for the provocative and tricky. c(:***

***An inconvenient truth . . . [SO cute and horrible and funny!]***

Air when you need us [Welcome to the future of funny]

Furious George [he made this to rep our church Olympic team - we won best dressed!]

I think this is our friend, Amie's, favorite. Actually, it kind of reminds me of her.

THIS ONE IS UP FOR JUDGING AT THREADLESS RIGHT NOW!! Go here and give it a FIVE!! If it gets printed - he'll win $5000 big ones!

I wish wish wish he had more writing samples up online. But, he does have this - he's a total slogan master. Here is some of his best stuff:

"I found God; now I get to hide."

"The road less traveled by is littered with lost poets."

"Bears don't eat porridge; they eat nosy little girls."

"Careful, I learned martial arts from a rat in a bath robe."

"Family comes first. But nothing comes before aardvark."

"I suspect kickboxing was originally just called cheating."

"I don't hold a grudge. I throw it like a deadly spear."

I have an open door policy. Also, I can't find my stereo."

Aaand [Drum roll, please] - THIS one got printed! :)

"Friends actually let friends do lots of stupid things."

You can check 'em all out here. :) And if you can email him at jermainelovesyou@gmail.com.

Happy pimping!

My Beautiful Challenge

2009-07-27T14:11:00.000-07:00

This is big. This is real big. And I'm super psyched!

For the past couple weeks/months/years I've been toying with this idea that's been rolling around in my head. Forgive me if I've already mentioned this to you - I have a ridiculously bad memory when it comes to stuff like this.

Basically, I want to start some sort of organization to help victims of human trafficking. I'm thinking, like, real grass-rootsy. The main focus will be on rehabilitation - but we'll start small. A big house, people that have had to endure modern slavery can live there and our organization will help them figure out where to go from here. It'll be small enough that I can tailor the program to fit each person's unique needs. So, for example, one girl is a 18 year old from Ohio who just found out she's pregnant by her abusers. She can't go home for one reason or another. If she decides to keep the baby, she'll need Medicaid and prenatal care and counseling and a Drivers License and to be enrolled in a GED program so she can go on to college. Soon she'll need help finding childcare and money for school, etc, etc. Another girl is a 38 year old from Brazil. She needs a way to get back home - her kids, who are still in Brazil, were kidnapped by a trafficker. She probably needs counseling, too - but right now, what she really needs is a plane ticket and maybe some help in Brazil locating her babies.

This is what it looks like in my head. But, who knows how it will end up. All I know right now is that I have a deep sense that it's a God thing. A couple of weeks ago I was at church during service thinking about this beautiful challenge and my thoughts kept coming to Isaiah 61, I looked it up and what I read blew me away:

¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,

² to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called mighty oaks,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.

⁵ Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.

⁶ And you will be called priests of the LORD,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.

⁷ Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.

⁸ "For I, the LORD, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.

⁹ Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed."

¹⁰ I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

¹¹ For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations. [TNIV from BibleGateway.com]

I've been praying and dreaming about a tangible way I can really dive in and help fight slavery and I think God is leading toward that. So, here we go! Phase 1 - The Research Phase. My friends: Jess H. and Priscilla and Mike immediately come to mind because their research skills absolutely dazzle me!

Ooh, speaking of amazingly wonderful people - We sang this song at church this weekend and I'd like to dedicate it to Andrea and Abi and Meghan and Amie and Jess and Jess and Priscilla because it makes me think of you guys and cry. :)

One last thing - calling all people serious about helping to build this dream. So be it!

I am an Athiest

2009-07-24T13:52:00.000-07:00

I found this video on Brian McClaren's Blog and it really touched me. Don't have a whole lot of time to write today, but I thought I'd take a moment to put this out there. Thank you for letting me share. (:

PS. Quick To-Do List Blog update [because I'm sure you're on pins and needles, right?]. I did what Andrea suggested and categorized them by Essential and Non-Essential. Guess What! I've crossed off all but three Essentials! They are - my school state stuff, my health insurance application and my budget. And I'm working all three - they could even be done by next week! Yay God!

The Relentless Pursuit of Who God Created Me to Be.

2009-07-23T10:28:00.000-07:00

[Editor's Note: This blog could be filed into the "finding myself" category and I feel like I do this kind of thing a lot. Please forgive me if I do and feel free to point out the all too similar blogs. :)]

I'm sitting in Panera Bread attempting to practice the discipline of writing. I know I'm supposed to write and I don't do it enough. So, here I am.

Here I am.

Only problem is, I can't decide what to write about.

Typical.

Hmm. Well, I write to find out what I'm thinking about . . ."

Sounds like a fun science experiment.

I was sick yesterday. My stomach hurt all kinds of bad. I didn't get out of bed all day except to eat a burrito that Jermaine bought for me and to go to the bathroom. Not in that order.

Even now though, I'm not sure if I actually was sick. Yes, I'm willing to accept that my stomach hurt. And I'm willing to accept that it hurt more when I got out of bed. But am I willing to accept that I legitimately couldn't get out of bed all day??

I know, I know. I sound like a suspicious mother questioning whether her child is trying to play hooky. Except that not only am I the suspicious mom but also the naughty kid.

And that's just it. I don't trust myself. I used to lie a lot. And, I'm learning, it has had some very peculiar consequences. Namely, this one.

Why, one might ask, would I fake being sick [and how would I not even know I was doing it]?

Well, I think I'm a little depressed. Missing Sadie. Worrying about her. Just about everything I do is riddled with thoughts of how the situation could be improved with my little mini me. A minute ago, I ordered lunch, sat down with my baguette and thought, "Aw, if Sadie were here we could share this. My, how she loves eating my bread."

Tuesday night I sat down with my trusty netbook and made a detailed to-do list for Wednesday. Of course, you know the rest of the story. NONE of it got accomplished. And I can't help but wonder if my "popular" side was rebelling against my "perfect" side [click here for brief explanation].

Personalities. Oh, goodness. Let's dive in here. God is teaching me that I was created to be a lot more laid back than I am. A lot less tense than I am. A lot less serious than I am.

So what gives? Why am I this way? Hmmm, well, I think I can safely blame it on my parents.

[Mom and Dad - please keep reading! I LOVE you and think you are amazing parents! That last sentence was partially a joke - if you keep reading you'll understand]

My mom and dad are fantastic. Anyone who knows them will agree. They are caring, thoughtful, detail oriented people who, once they decide to do something, will not rest until the job is completely perfect. Did I mention they waited seven years to adopt me? Seven years!

Last week my dad had to be rushed to the emergency room due to severe dehydration and heat exhaustion. Why? Because he had spent 8 hours in the Carolina heat sanding his garage floor.

When I was a kid, I remember getting in trouble because I didn't clean the laundry room properly.

My brother is 14 years older than I am and I have always thought he was exceptionally cool. But I can still remember the day I knew he'd gone over to the dark side. We were visiting him and his wife, Kim, at their beyond awesome home in Georgia and my mom kept insisting that we vacuum the room we were staying in 2 to 3 times a day. I thought this was ridiculous, of course. I mean, our feet can't be that dirty. I found my brother and complained to him, seeking, someone who would understand how silly the notion was. His response - he sided with her! He said, "Well, you know, Bran, when this many people are staying here, sometimes you have to vacuum a lot."

And, indeed, sometime you do have to vacuum a lot. But, as vacuuming goes, I generally don't. In fact, I generally don't do many of the things that my parents value. I sleep late. My house is messy. I eat dinner at 9 or sometimes later. I keep Sadie up way past what most would deem a socially acceptable bedtime.

And what I'm learning is . . . that's cool. That's who I am. And there's no one quite like me.

But when I was growing up, that was not cool. What I took away from all of the experiences described above [and many more I didn't mention] is that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me. Because I'm not like them. I'm not detail oriented. I'm messed up. In more ways than just my house.

It's not that they're wrong, either. Of course not! They were created to be the way they are. And they do it beautifully.

Right after Kim had my niece, Katie, my parents and I drove down to visit them. I don't remember the conversation leading up to it, but I distinctly remember Kim telling me that I seemed much more laid back than the rest of my family.

And that gave me great joy. Because I knew deep down that it was right for me to be that way. But now, 12 years later, I find myself arguing with my husband on a regular basis because I've got this ideal in my head of how I'm supposed to be [and, ugh, how he's supposed to be] and we frequently [ie: always] fail to measure up to these ridiculously high standards.

There are times when I realize I got it at 16 much better than I did at 20. At 24. At 27?

I just finished reading Velvet Elvis for the 2nd time. In it, Rob Bell describes a breakdown he had and how in counseling he was led to the realization that his one and only job was the relentless pursuit of who God created him to be. And [here's the zinger] - everything else is sin.

The relentless pursuit of who God created me to be.

I'm excited about that.

Because these passions, these desires within me, God gave them to me! God created me to be an abolitionist. An environmentalist. A good friend. A writer. A performer. A pastor. A poet. A late sleeper. A Big Idea person. A loving mom and wife. A messy housekeeper.

I love what I love for a reason. And I can use it to bring heaven to my little plot of earth.

Can I get a "Yay God!"?

Thank you for reading my blog. You make me so happy.

Ooh, I feel compelled to add this, at the risk of being obvious or cliche - the takeaway here is - Who did God create you to be? Are you excited about relentlessly pursuing that person?

PS. The picture spot goes to 2 of my favorite girls ever! Meghan and Abi continue to dazzle me daily with how well they know themselves. I love them both so much!