This had better be good [I keep telling myself]. It's been far too long.
I've been wanting to write, but situations and circumstances have not allowed for such a luxury. It makes me sad. But, that's okay. Here I am.
I'm tired. I gave up caffeine. Yikes. One week today, ac
tually. The first day was the worst. I spent the entire day crying or in bed or both. I'm embarrassed to say that we had company for part of the day. I'm sure it wasn't as bad as how I remember it in my head, but I'm still pretty mortified. The worst part was that I had no idea I was that addicted. Admittedly, I did potentially make it worse on myself. I didn't sleep much at all the week prior and then the day before I stayed good and caffeinated. I thought I was giving myself one last good go-round. But, instead I sabotaged my sanity and really tried the patience of my devoted and loving husband [my, he's a good good guy].Presently, I am worn out. But drinking coffee now would [just about] make last weekend's hell futile.
So, I'll settle for root beer and decaf herbal tea. And I'll thank God for the prayers of good friends, without which, I know I would have never made it this far.
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That's not the only thing I gave up this past week. But, this next thing is a fast, and so I suppose I am not supposed to share. But, if you dive back into the depths of my blog, you'll find that this isn't the first time I've attempted it. And though I haven't kept you updated on the status of this particular venture, I am now about the reveal how miserably I've failed thus far.
And so, in announcing this fast, I am, in addition, announcing one of my supreme weaknesses. And I think that is what makes the first announcement acceptable and somewhat necessary.
Yeah, so. Now would be a good time to stop rambling about and actually divulge what it is.
I'm giving up [again] spending money on non-essentials [for a spell].
And before I go any further, I must must must refer to my friend Amie's incredibly inspiring comment regarding her adventures in this particular art:
YOU MUST MAKE A LIST OF NECESSITIES AND NON-NECESSITIES! Otherwise you will always cheat yourself and your bank account.
Here is mine.
I cannot buy:
Clothes
Books : (
CDs
Shoes
Housewares
Make up
Jewelry
I can buy:
Food
Presents
Lingerie (blush)
Anything not on those lists I pray about if I think about buying it. And if I need further help deciding I call Daniel. Also, if I am having a moment of weakness and am about to buy something I shouldn't I call D and he talks me into putting it down and walking out of the store. Actually, it hasn't come to that quite yet.
Another helpful hint is this:
DO NOT GO TO TARGET.
I repeat:
DO NOT GO TO TARGET.
They are good at what they do. They sell really cute stuff. Just stay away. Stay at home. Write a letter. Go for a walk. Do anything other than go into that store.
I have just been inspired to create my own lists. Here goes:
I cannot buy:
books
clothes
shoes
food from a restaurant
drinks from a restaurant
housewares
jewelry
I can buy:
The Divine Hours
Makeup [on an as needed basis]
craft materials to make gifts [preferred]
store-bought gifts
She has this wonderful comment where she says that when she has a weak moment she calls her husband and he talks her out of buying the item in question. I felt so comforted, I can do that, I thought. Then I read further to where she explains that it hadn't come to that yet. Blah.
Sigh. Well, I still can do that. And I probably will have to. Because shopping [and, more specifically, eating out] is an addiction for me. It's a pacifier. But, it makes me sick to my stomach because it pretty much goes against everything I claim to be about. And I know it. Deep down in the tender spots of my soul I know that I can't be crucified with Christ and simultaneously buy anything my little heart desires.
And if that wasn't motivation enough, I just found out that my mom works overtime to help us pay our bills. It was jaw-dropping and gut-wrenching to discover her generous sacrifice.
And it hurt.
It hurts when you see how your various addictions affect others.
But it's motivation, too. Because if I'm really about dying to myself and letting Christ live in me, then, golly, this has got to have something to do with what that's all about.
