Future Present Past (er, one crazy long blog)

SO.

I have been meaning to write a blog updating anyone who is interested about the crazy going ons of our little life. Also, since I wrote my Bucket List, 2005 Edition, I have been wanting to write the revised version. AND, then last night, while reviewing an old journal, I was inspired to share some of my poetry (er, or "rap" as I fondly referred to it back then).

I have been toying with the idea of writing 3 different blogs. But really, that just seems silly. I am going to attempt to condense and compartmentalize so you can read everything that is on my mind in this one little blog.

You're in for a wild ride. ;)

First off, the Bucket List!

My friend Andrea (who turns 29 TODAY) is always talking about her before 30 list. I've decided to take a page out of her book and make one of those too.

Before I Turn 30, I would like to:

• have a savings account with more than $25 in it
• make a habit out of taking Sadie to the park
• go on a friend-cation with my family and our friends, the Frosts, back to St. Simons Island
• start teaching fitness classes
• write a letter to Jermaine everyday that he is in boot camp
• start really working on PAWS
• get published (or try my darnedest)
• finish reading and blogging through the Bible

And now, without further ado, my Official Bucket List:

• write Emergency - a sort of autobiographicalish book on being a young single mom, feminism, faith and fighting
• write a fantasy fiction series of books
• learn to speak, read and write fluently in another language
• learn to relate to people not in terms of how much they like or love me, but rather how I can generously love them
• become the kind of daughter who calls her mom every day
• become more involved with Sadie's education - even if I can't homeschool, teach her the things I long to teach her, complementing what she is learning in school
• learn to skateboard with Sadie
• learn to surf (with Sadie?)
• go snowboarding with Sadie every winter that we can swing it
• pursue PAWS passionately - and truly attempt to make a living doing those things that I feel are a part of my purpose
• stay involved in the fight to end human trafficking for the rest of my life - and listen well for how God wants to use me
• really listen when people are talking, especially Jermaine
• learn from my husband - how to play tennis, the logistics of football, how to play the piano and how to love people
• learn to sew
• go to seminary
• become a mentor for young single moms and/or young women who are choosing paths similar to the one I chose

That was healing, writing that. It helps me, I think, to write down what I desire. At the heart of it all, I believe my goals have to do with becoming a better person - a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend and a better follower of Jesus. If I could add anything to the list, it would be to appreciate who I am now, and who I used to be. Which is kind of fitting considering the three parts of this blog. This part could be called Future. The update is, of course, Present. And the writings are Past. 

Huh. Couldn't have planned it better. 

Okay, let's do Present.

Military Madness

So, as you know, a couple of weeks ago we lost Jermaine's unemployment insurance. It was like losing a job all over again. And I proved once more that I do not handle crises well. I stormed, I cried, I freaked and waled. When I was done with that, I may have said prayer or two. But mostly, I was just a hot mess trying my damnedest not to be a hot mess and failing miserably. 

Eventually I pulled myself somewhat together and we ventured over to Jermaine's parents house seeking comfort and advice. It was during this visit that a dialog about joining the military began to surface. All of us, Jermaine, his mum and dad, and I felt a peculiar feeling of electrical excitement - this could be an answer to a lot of prayers - not to mention one wild ride for our family.

In that conversation, we talked about sacrifice too. I am overwhelmed by Jermaine's willing sacrifice for our family. And I am humbled by the sacrifices that were made by my in-laws when they made a similar decision to become a military family 25 years ago. I will miss Jermaine deeply during the times in the future that the military will inevitably call him away from me and Sadie. But I am excited for him and his new adventure. I respect him and look up to him more than words can adequately describe. The U.S. Army will be blessed to have him. 

As For Me

I scored a gig as a fitness instructor at a health club in McLean, VA, and another job as a server at Food Wine & Company! Also, I registered for fall classes at Wesley - so I am officially a seminary student, too! 

AND - I'm still going to India!! I will absolutely wait for another blog to share the details of this old/new development. The trip won't be until 2011, so there is plenty of time for that. But, as I still have money to raise, I will most definitely still be taking donations. Feel free to bombard me with any questions you may have regarding my future trip. :)

Sadie, too

I miss her dearly. She is visiting her father for the month. And I think that she is having the time of her life. At the end of August, she will begin 3rd grade!!! I keep asking myself, how can that be?? Craziness.

July is always one of the most difficult months for me. Five years ago (almost to the day) my world was knocked upside down and my spirit was all but broken. With everything that has been going on (military, unemployment, India, seminary, job stuff), I hadn't really stopped to ponder the past and the anniversary of the horrible. But I felt it. And it affected me, without my awareness that it was doing so. It was that state of mind that prompted me to wander back into my journals last night. Of course, this brings us to . . .

. . . The Past

And here I will share some of the silly, heartfelt, awful, wonderful rhymes and musings from 2005.

It is terrible to speak well and be wrong.  - Sophocles

look i've changed / not the same dame you knew from back in the day / i rearranged my crew and i like it that way / a whole new set of faces / a whole new set of places / no more head cases

he makes me sick / can't stomach it / he fumbled it / i stumbled in / recoverin' / can't begin / to comprehend / this state i'm in / can you recommend / counseling?

pain in her eyes / we call ourselves civilized / but aren't surprised / as we watch the masses die / cries from the street / calling out to me

you make me so happy / you make my soul happy

There are no ordinary people . . . it is immortals whom we joke with, work, marry, snub and exploit. - C.S. Lewis

she's not yours / she's not mine / she's His! / don't you see this?

PIGEON-HOLED IN

PIGEON HOLDIN' - in Jermaine Walker's handwriting

today's court date / tomorrow's fate / i'm late / and i can't wait / just give it to me straight

this brings out so many feelings / that i don't want to deal with / my mind is reeling / staring at the ceiling

it took so long to smile after i found out / just want to drowned out all the negativity / sound out everything he did to me / get it all out / hit the wall, shout / talk about it all now / but never say a word / i can't believe what i heard

i don't drink anymore / at least not like i did before / for one thing, i'm poor

where do gangsters go when they die? 

is their paradise in the sky?

or do they retell all the lies

that they retold all their life?

mommy, where did daddy go last night?

we fought the purple people

said they reminded us of grapes

they made us uncomfortable

so we made them our slaves

eventually we realized

we'd made a huge mistake

but, by then, as you can guess,

it was just too late

centuries of hatred

can't just be erased

have we ever stopped to think

what healing is gonna take?

somethings gotta give / but i gotta live / gotta stay positive / keep on top of things / flapping these broken wings / my eye on openings / God, i gave me to You / You made me new / you made me do / things i didn't know i could do / but i'm so tired / so wired / i just want to buy my own food / and put gas in my car / AND i wanna be a star / and still know who You are / so i pray for strength / and a filled up tank

99 was the year i found Eminem. I felt I could relate to him so much that I went out and got a tattoo that said "Kim".

my name literally means "sweet after-dinner drink" / that was my pick up line for like 3 years, I think

i've been there, done that / i will share my come back / so listen up, relax / react / or screw up, relapse

do you promise to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God? i do. so help me God!

He wants us to move rhythmically / not all but one beat

Lord God, i'm on my knees now / gotta speak loud / seek out what you have in store for me now

temptation got the best of me / the rest of me gave up willingly / signaled defeat / fell to my knees / Lord please! / free me - i wanna be free!

the end of an era

truth never clearer

inspect the mirror

wide eyes, no terror

mundanity / insanity / maybe i'm not cut out for this / is this what my passion is?

Thank you for reading! Apparently, this was me at 23 and/or 24. ;)

Frustrated Musings

Hi! Thanks for stopping by. Jermaine helped me redesign! I think it looks pretty groovy (as well as fresh and clean). Let me know what you think and if everything is readable.

Okay. This is the part where I whine. I can only promise to keep it short.I've been really frustrated lately. I would like a job, please. It's all I can think about. Which actually is not all that helpful. Some good has come of my fretting, tho. I've worked out what I'm so tangled up about.

I've never had a "real" job (ie: a job that incorporates my true passions). I've been a housekeeper, a waitress, a salesperson, even a nurse's aide - and at times I have loved my various positions BUT I've never gotten paid to do something I love.

So, of course, that's why I went back to school. And while I was in school I worked out what it was that I love to do.I love (in no specific order): to write, to act, to perform, to teach (adults), to learn, to give, and to help (and love and laugh with) people who are going through difficult times. Those are my passions in a nutshell.

And now, here I am, with a degree in Sociology - excited, because now I am actually qualified to do the things I love, but frustrated because . . .

. . . because somewhere along the way I starting believing that no one would really pay me to do that stuff.It's not that I lost faith in myself - no - I'm pretty certain I could do it.

I've lost faith in God, I think. I'm not trusting him to finish what he started within me.

And that's really depressing.

That's it, I guess. There is no moral to this story yet because I'm still in the thick of it. I just wanted to share.Thank you for reading my blog.

PS. All is not lost, tho! Since one of my biggest problems is that I never take a break (yep, job hunting 24/7), I am very excited to report that I get to go to Hershey Park with my family tomorrow! That is SO my kind of fun! :)

Confessions from an Ambitious Mom

I have all this weirdness swirling around in my head. I wanted to share my thoughts with people and receive some feedback. And so, enter blog.

I just graduated. I just graduated! Wow. That's a blog in itself (but one for another time).

I'm trying to focus on two things this summer. First, I'd like to score my dream job or something in the ballpark. And second, I need to raise enough money to cover my India expenses. The first one has my attention at the moment, and so that's sort of the bigger picture focus for this blog. The second one is looming eerily in the background of my mind, but I'll worry about that later.

Can I just say I love to job hunt? I've been researching Guerilla Job Searching. I love the idea - using innovation and creativity and taking risks - it feels overwhelming and scary and so right. I'm sure I'll blog about that later, too. But, that's not really the focus of this one.

So, the twelve dollar question, what is this blog about?

I've been feeling conflicted lately. A LOT of my friends are stay-at-home moms. Some of them even home-school. I have a couple of friends who used to work, or are working now, but have decided to quit their jobs to be at home with their kids.

That's never really been an option for me. If you read my last blog then you know that I've been praying for Jermaine to find a killer career so I could do something similar. Similar, but not exactly the same. If I'm honest with myself I have to admit that even if it was possible for me to stay at home, I probably wouldn't. It's not that I don't want to devote my life to Sadie and our future children, I do - and I hope when they reach adulthood they'll know that.

But, I'm so ambitious. I want to work. And I want that work to yield monetary dividends. I have all of this creativity and passion bubbling up inside of me. I would venture that most moms do. But I don't want to focus all of it on Sadie. Sure, I want to bring her along for the ride. And I pray that my passions help shape her character and enable us to bond. But, a lot of what I aspire to has nothing directly to do with her.

I think that's the heart of this blog - that my work doesn't include her - and that, for the most part, I'm okay with that. It makes me wonder, tho - it encourages the little voice inside my head that is constantly probing - is there something wrong with me?

It's the age old mommy question. And I'm a sociology major - I've studied this exact phenomenon - I should know better. But life so much more complicated than it seems when you're studying it.

There are mommies I look up to - ambitious ones just like me. Phyllis Tickle, Katharine Weymouth, and Keri Wyatt Kent all come to mind.

I think, oddly tho, most of the people I look up to and aspire to emulate are dads - Rob Bell, Bob Goff, Eminem, Cameron Strang, Don Miller (although, he's not technically a dad), and Gary Haugen.

And I when I flip through the executive pages of the companies I want to work for - Relevant, IJM, Mars Hill, Restore International - I see all these men and I think, wow, we need to do something about this! We need more women to participate in running the show (kudos to Polaris Project, a notable exception) . And I think (I think) that's what I'm supposed to do. I think God has made me aware of this and is inviting me to work toward leadership in some capacity - whether now or in the future. All of my desires and endeavors are leadership related. And I feel thrilled, honored, and excited by my calling.

But, where does that leave Sadie? And how do I deal with the guilt - that little voice that insists I don't measure up as a mother? How do I find balance. And why does this seemingly unachievable balance seem to come so easy for fathers?