Of Two Minds

I've been thinking about my last post since I wrote it. I felt odd writing it. I had the stuff in my head and I wanted to get it out because, you know, "I write to find out what I'm thinking about."

But I was afraid it would come across as offensive to SAHMs. I didn't mean it to be. :(

I definitely wasn't saying that other moms, those who stay at home, don't have ambition. I think it's just the opposite, in fact! Especially if they home-school. I mean, wowsers!

My last post was attempting to lament the fact that sometimes I feel my ambition* is misplaced. Sometimes I blow Sadie off when I'm in the middle of a project that most definitely could wait. And then yesterday I got a note from her teacher saying that she was having some trouble. I think I blamed myself. And the teacher. It made me feel frustrated and sad. And further instilled this desire I have to home-school.

But then I thought, oh wait, I can't do that. All these negative thoughts flooded into my head. I'm not good with kids. I'm not a good teacher. We definitely don't have the money for me to stay home. And could I even do it if we did?

Sometimes, I think I could. It probably sounds ridiculous to read all this after the last blog I wrote, right? I feel like I'm of two minds when it comes to this stuff. On one hand, I think we do need women leaders and I think God has called me to play that kind of role. And, truly, I want to make money doing something I love. And I want to honest (to myself and to others) about my ambitions because it's easy for me to get caught up saying what I think I am supposed to (as a good Christian) say - and having it all end up being total bs. On the other hand, sometimes, I feel tired of constantly worrying about money. I pray that Jermaine can get a killer job so that I could have the option to pursue my passions without feeling like I'm neglecting my family.

Anyway. I don't know if this clarifies anything. I'm feeling incredibly frustrated with myself right now. Oy. I guess the only thing to say is thank you, for reading my blog. I'll try to be less negative if you come back tomorrow.

*Jermaine pointed out that the word "ambition" could definitely have a negative connotation, also. So, in saying I am ambitious, I was not complimenting myself. Therefore, my last post would not be rendered offensive and this current one is just silly.

Confessions from an Ambitious Mom

I have all this weirdness swirling around in my head. I wanted to share my thoughts with people and receive some feedback. And so, enter blog.

I just graduated. I just graduated! Wow. That's a blog in itself (but one for another time).

I'm trying to focus on two things this summer. First, I'd like to score my dream job or something in the ballpark. And second, I need to raise enough money to cover my India expenses. The first one has my attention at the moment, and so that's sort of the bigger picture focus for this blog. The second one is looming eerily in the background of my mind, but I'll worry about that later.

Can I just say I love to job hunt? I've been researching Guerilla Job Searching. I love the idea - using innovation and creativity and taking risks - it feels overwhelming and scary and so right. I'm sure I'll blog about that later, too. But, that's not really the focus of this one.

So, the twelve dollar question, what is this blog about?

I've been feeling conflicted lately. A LOT of my friends are stay-at-home moms. Some of them even home-school. I have a couple of friends who used to work, or are working now, but have decided to quit their jobs to be at home with their kids.

That's never really been an option for me. If you read my last blog then you know that I've been praying for Jermaine to find a killer career so I could do something similar. Similar, but not exactly the same. If I'm honest with myself I have to admit that even if it was possible for me to stay at home, I probably wouldn't. It's not that I don't want to devote my life to Sadie and our future children, I do - and I hope when they reach adulthood they'll know that.

But, I'm so ambitious. I want to work. And I want that work to yield monetary dividends. I have all of this creativity and passion bubbling up inside of me. I would venture that most moms do. But I don't want to focus all of it on Sadie. Sure, I want to bring her along for the ride. And I pray that my passions help shape her character and enable us to bond. But, a lot of what I aspire to has nothing directly to do with her.

I think that's the heart of this blog - that my work doesn't include her - and that, for the most part, I'm okay with that. It makes me wonder, tho - it encourages the little voice inside my head that is constantly probing - is there something wrong with me?

It's the age old mommy question. And I'm a sociology major - I've studied this exact phenomenon - I should know better. But life so much more complicated than it seems when you're studying it.

There are mommies I look up to - ambitious ones just like me. Phyllis Tickle, Katharine Weymouth, and Keri Wyatt Kent all come to mind.

I think, oddly tho, most of the people I look up to and aspire to emulate are dads - Rob Bell, Bob Goff, Eminem, Cameron Strang, Don Miller (although, he's not technically a dad), and Gary Haugen.

And I when I flip through the executive pages of the companies I want to work for - Relevant, IJM, Mars Hill, Restore International - I see all these men and I think, wow, we need to do something about this! We need more women to participate in running the show (kudos to Polaris Project, a notable exception) . And I think (I think) that's what I'm supposed to do. I think God has made me aware of this and is inviting me to work toward leadership in some capacity - whether now or in the future. All of my desires and endeavors are leadership related. And I feel thrilled, honored, and excited by my calling.

But, where does that leave Sadie? And how do I deal with the guilt - that little voice that insists I don't measure up as a mother? How do I find balance. And why does this seemingly unachievable balance seem to come so easy for fathers?