Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Future Present Past (er, one crazy long blog)


I have been meaning to write a blog updating anyone who is interested about the crazy going ons of our little life. Also, since I wrote my Bucket List, 2005 Edition, I have been wanting to write the revised version. AND, then last night, while reviewing an old journal, I was inspired to share some of my poetry (er, or "rap" as I fondly referred to it back then).

I have been toying with the idea of writing 3 different blogs. But really, that just seems silly. I am going to attempt to condense and compartmentalize so you can read everything that is on my mind in this one little blog.

You're in for a wild ride. ;)

First off, the Bucket List!

My friend Andrea (who turns 29 TODAY) is always talking about her before 30 list. I've decided to take a page out of her book and make one of those too.

Before I Turn 30, I would like to:

  • have a savings account with more than $25 in it
  • make a habit out of taking Sadie to the park
  • go on a friend-cation with my family and our friends, the Frosts, back to St. Simons Island
  • start teaching fitness classes
  • write a letter to Jermaine everyday that he is in boot camp
  • start really working on PAWS
  • get published (or try my darnedest)
  • finish reading and blogging through the Bible

And now, without further ado, my Official Bucket List:

  • write Emergency - a sort of autobiographicalish book on being a young single mom, feminism, faith and fighting
  • write a fantasy fiction series of books
  • learn to speak, read and write fluently in another language
  • learn to relate to people not in terms of how much they like or love me, but rather how I can generously love them
  • become the kind of daughter who calls her mom every day
  • become more involved with Sadie's education - even if I can't homeschool, teach her the things I long to teach her, complementing what she is learning in school
  • learn to skateboard with Sadie
  • learn to surf (with Sadie?)
  • go snowboarding with Sadie every winter that we can swing it
  • pursue PAWS passionately - and truly attempt to make a living doing those things that I feel are a part of my purpose
  • stay involved in the fight to end human trafficking for the rest of my life - and listen well for how God wants to use me
  • really listen when people are talking, especially Jermaine
  • learn from my husband - how to play tennis, the logistics of football, how to play the piano and how to love people
  • learn to sew
  • go to seminary
  • become a mentor for young single moms and/or young women who are choosing paths similar to the one I chose

That was healing, writing that. It helps me, I think, to write down what I desire. At the heart of it all, I believe my goals have to do with becoming a better person - a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend and a better follower of Jesus. If I could add anything to the list, it would be to appreciate who I am now, and who I used to be. Which is kind of fitting considering the three parts of this blog. This part could be called Future. The update is, of course, Present. And the writings are Past. 

Huh. Couldn't have planned it better. 

Okay, let's do Present.

Military Madness

So, as you know, a couple of weeks ago we lost Jermaine's unemployment insurance. It was like losing a job all over again. And I proved once more that I do not handle crises well. I stormed, I cried, I freaked and waled. When I was done with that, I may have said prayer or two. But mostly, I was just a hot mess trying my damnedest not to be a hot mess and failing miserably. 

Eventually I pulled myself somewhat together and we ventured over to Jermaine's parents house seeking comfort and advice. It was during this visit that a dialog about joining the military began to surface. All of us, Jermaine, his mum and dad, and I felt a peculiar feeling of electrical excitement - this could be an answer to a lot of prayers - not to mention one wild ride for our family.

In that conversation, we talked about sacrifice too. I am overwhelmed by Jermaine's willing sacrifice for our family. And I am humbled by the sacrifices that were made by my in-laws when they made a similar decision to become a military family 25 years ago. I will miss Jermaine deeply during the times in the future that the military will inevitably call him away from me and Sadie. But I am excited for him and his new adventure. I respect him and look up to him more than words can adequately describe. The U.S. Army will be blessed to have him. 

As For Me

I scored a gig as a fitness instructor at a health club in McLean, VA, and another job as a server at Food Wine & Company! Also, I registered for fall classes at Wesley - so I am officially a seminary student, too! 

AND - I'm still going to India!! I will absolutely wait for another blog to share the details of this old/new development. The trip won't be until 2011, so there is plenty of time for that. But, as I still have money to raise, I will most definitely still be taking donations. Feel free to bombard me with any questions you may have regarding my future trip. :)

Sadie, too

I miss her dearly. She is visiting her father for the month. And I think that she is having the time of her life. At the end of August, she will begin 3rd grade!!! I keep asking myself, how can that be?? Craziness.

July is always one of the most difficult months for me. Five years ago (almost to the day) my world was knocked upside down and my spirit was all but broken. With everything that has been going on (military, unemployment, India, seminary, job stuff), I hadn't really stopped to ponder the past and the anniversary of the horrible. But I felt it. And it affected me, without my awareness that it was doing so. It was that state of mind that prompted me to wander back into my journals last night. Of course, this brings us to . . .

. . . The Past

And here I will share some of the silly, heartfelt, awful, wonderful rhymes and musings from 2005.

It is terrible to speak well and be wrong.  - Sophocles

look i've changed / not the same dame you knew from back in the day / i rearranged my crew and i like it that way / a whole new set of faces / a whole new set of places / no more head cases

he makes me sick / can't stomach it / he fumbled it / i stumbled in / recoverin' / can't begin / to comprehend / this state i'm in / can you recommend / counseling?

pain in her eyes / we call ourselves civilized / but aren't surprised / as we watch the masses die / cries from the street / calling out to me

you make me so happy / you make my soul happy

There are no ordinary people . . . it is immortals whom we joke with, work, marry, snub and exploit. - C.S. Lewis

she's not yours / she's not mine / she's His! / don't you see this?

PIGEON HOLDIN' - in Jermaine Walker's handwriting

today's court date / tomorrow's fate / i'm late / and i can't wait / just give it to me straight

this brings out so many feelings / that i don't want to deal with / my mind is reeling / staring at the ceiling

it took so long to smile after i found out / just want to drowned out all the negativity / sound out everything he did to me / get it all out / hit the wall, shout / talk about it all now / but never say a word / i can't believe what i heard

i don't drink anymore / at least not like i did before / for one thing, i'm poor

where do gangsters go when they die? 
is their paradise in the sky?
or do they retell all the lies
that they retold all their life?
mommy, where did daddy go last night?

we fought the purple people
said they reminded us of grapes
they made us uncomfortable
so we made them our slaves
eventually we realized
we'd made a huge mistake
but, by then, as you can guess,
it was just too late
centuries of hatred
can't just be erased
have we ever stopped to think
what healing is gonna take?

somethings gotta give / but i gotta live / gotta stay positive / keep on top of things / flapping these broken wings / my eye on openings / God, i gave me to You / You made me new / you made me do / things i didn't know i could do / but i'm so tired / so wired / i just want to buy my own food / and put gas in my car / AND i wanna be a star / and still know who You are / so i pray for strength / and a filled up tank

99 was the year i found Eminem. I felt I could relate to him so much that I went out and got a tattoo that said "Kim".

my name literally means "sweet after-dinner drink" / that was my pick up line for like 3 years, I think

i've been there, done that / i will share my come back / so listen up, relax / react / or screw up, relapse

do you promise to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God? i do. so help me God!

He wants us to move rhythmically / not all but one beat

Lord God, i'm on my knees now / gotta speak loud / seek out what you have in store for me now

temptation got the best of me / the rest of me gave up willingly / signaled defeat / fell to my knees / Lord please! / free me - i wanna be free!

the end of an era
truth never clearer
inspect the mirror
wide eyes, no terror

mundanity / insanity / maybe i'm not cut out for this / is this what my passion is?

Thank you for reading! Apparently, this was me at 23 and/or 24. ;)

1 comment:

Jermaine Walker said...

There were a few of these I hadn't seen before! I especially liked this one:

"Temptation got the best of me, the rest of me gave up willingly."

And this one:

I've been there, done that / I will share my comeback / So listen up, relax, react / Or screw up, relapse.

The next few years will definitely be some defining and crazy ones, I think. Hey, it beats the heck out of boredom, tho, right? Muah!