5th Cyberspace Poetry Slam for Brigid

I just happened upon this today and immediately became excited to participate. I didn't like poetry until, in Ms. V's creative writing class in 10th grade, I found out I was good at it. Or at least some people seemed to think I was. Who knows if they were right, but, regardless, I'm thankful, because it has fueled a particular part of my creative spirit that I can't seem to get at with prose.

I wrote this in that class:

Mother Nature's Plea

i scream

i cry

i hurt

and wail

you stand there laughing

hurling things upon me

you are asked if you love me

and you're reply is always 'yes'

yet you stomp on and burn the very skin of my face.

i love you with all my heart

but i can't go on this way

you are destroying me

and in turn, will destroy yourself

and so, it is you, not me,

i plead you learn to love

............................................................................

And another violent metaphor written in the midst of teenage angst . . .

The Burn of Cigarettes

You want me not, you like me not,

you hate me, yet, you need me.

Without me, you are worthless,

I help you live, I help you be

alive, awake, aware of things,

no matter what the cost.

I am your god, you are my slave,

to you, I am the boss.

No matter what I do to you,

I am the one you'll love.

I hit you, smack you, wear you down,

I still, though, rule above.

You know you need to leave me,

but you can't and it's so funny.

You give me everything you have,

your love, your health, your money.

Now, you've given me everything,

for you, there's nothing in return.

And if you don't get out real soon,

you're going to crash and burn.

..................................................................

I don't love either one of them now. But I cherish them because they marked the beginning of a life-long love of poetry. Here's one last poem, written almost a year ago - I think it may be one of my favorites. For now anyway. :)

A(d)dictionary Christian

I love you. And, I love Jesus.
Are you still listening, or did I lose you?

It's okay, I understand.

This is a poem about a girl embarrassed to be called a Christian because she knows what they're like.

This week has brought me to my knees.
I'm crying . . . inside.
She's dying! Hospitalized.
She won't tell me why
Full of small talk and fake smiles.

I meant what I said! I did, I love you.
I'm not supposed to.
I'm supposed to judge you
And propose how much you need a dose of Good Old Fashioned "Family Values",

Whatever that means.
Squash out the Bad Dreams
Christians are people, too.
They just don't act like it . . .

What does it mean to REALLY live?
To really give ALL of yourself?
To really Love? Let's you And I Suck the marrow out of life, shall we?
Like, just Dive In, and GET IT.

My spirit told the funniest joke the other day,
Something about Life and Depth . . . Get it?

He's hilarious!

Oh! You have an iPhone, too!
I want to get one! But I'm afraid that it will invade my brain and turn it into cat chow.
So, obviously, I'm putting off buying one, for now.

We are a nation of McDonaldization.
The radio station plays my Favorite song.
My two year old just loves it! You may have heard it.
It's called the "Stanky Legg". No?
It's a really good song.

Stifling Creativity
Trifling, She's Kidding Me
Tight Hold, Me Pivoting

Let's go the OTHER way.
This one is way too safe!

Let's . . . end poverty.
I think it'll be fun.

Let's forget about getting skinny and just give our food to hungry people. (:

Let's boycott Starbucks!
No wait! Forget I said that -
My friend just bought me a gift card.

This here is the tale of my inconsistent journey to be . . . consistent.

Man, everybody's going to freak out when the Christians go to hell.

December 30th

31 Days of Jesus!

Day 30 - Praying with a prayer shawl.

I saw this video the other day [I know that it's easy to skip over these videos, but the rest of the blog will make a lot more sense if you take the time to watch it]:



Watching it, I just fell in love with the idea of praying with a prayer shawl. And then, as luck [or God] would have it, I happened to acquire a beautiful one the other day at a clothing swap party. My friend, Amie, saw it first. She had every right to take it as her own, but she is amazingly giving and let me have it instead. :)

I haven't done much research on it. As I'm sure you've surmised, I'm drawn like bees to honey to most all spiritual disciplines [except, notably, for one** [see below for explanation]]. In A Shaping of a Life, Phyllis Tickle writes that her life has ultimately been that of prayer and/or praying. I think mine, on some level, is leading me in a kind of inescapable way toward spiritual disciplines. Although I find myself to be a clumsy disciplinarian.

I did find this website, and I love their ministry. I would recommend perusing their site. I definitely learned a lot.

I don't know much about my new prayer shawl. The friend who'd previously owned it said that she got it from another friend who used it as such. It is gorgeous and someone could just as easily use it as a curtain. But when I put it on earlier today, it seemed to have a calming effect. Like the prayer room at Wheaton Woods last year [and the one in Charlotte], it may just be my imagination [which does have a tendency to run wild] - but I think I can feel residual prayers from a previous owner.

I hope I am not ruining it by typing with it on right now. My netbook does NOT have a calming effect on me.

I think [I think] any old shawl [or blanket or scarf] will do. Perhaps if it has special meaning to you, it may bear more significance in your mind.

The website I referenced above talked about it being a comforting thing. I love that. It's a visceral reminder about God's comforting joy. Mine is not snuggly warm. But, it's beauty helps remind me of God's majesty - something, oddly enough, I have been known to forget.

Also, the mentioned above website offers prayers to pray if you put the thing on and think, "Okay, now what?" If nothing else, you could just pray the Lord's prayer:

"Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done,
On earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we forgive our debtors.
Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory,
Forever and ever,
Amen."

You could also just pray whatever comes to mind - whatever you want to talk to God about. No rules, I don't think. Just quiet contemplation. This is definitely one of those practices where you will generally see it's "fruit" not in the practice itself [although that could happen] put rather in your day to day life living.

**Discipline I'm not drawn to: Fasting. I'm not inclined to deprive myself. Shocking, I know. ;) I'm working on it, though. I don't have to be drawn to it to reap it's benefits when I do it.

Happy New Year's Adam!

December 26th

31 Days of Jesus!

Day 26 - Spiritual Directing and a look back [also, random fun picture taken at the mall the other day :)].

Hmmm. It's 9:27pm and I'm eating potato chips and drinking Mt. Dew. Don't try this at home.

Hi! I was thinking . . . before we move on to the next day, let's stroll down memory lane and take a gander at what we've done for the past 25 days.

Day 1 - Do NOTHING.

Excellent.

Day 2 - the Welcoming Prayer.

Wow, I'd practically forgotten. I could have used that prayer a lot since December 2nd.

Day 3 - Doing that thing you do [with Prayer and Joy!]

Day 4 - Praying for what you need.

Day 5 - Go outside and play!

Yay!

Day 6 - Rest.

Ahhhhh.

Day 7 - New Years Resolutions! I loved that day. :)

Day 8 - The Gift of Surprise.

Again, thank you, Jess! =D

Day 9 - Watch a Nooma video! [I watched Whirlwind [whoop, whoop!]]

Day 10 - Thank God!

Day 11 and 12 and 13 - Fixed Hour Prayer.

Yay Phyllis Tickle!

Day 14 - Souvenirs [saving the bits that will help you remember where God was present in the tough patches [or wilderness] of life].

Day 15 and 16 - sacrificed for the sake of exam week.

Day 17 - Cooking for Jesus!

Day 18 - see days 15 and 16.

Day 19 - Throw out your to-do list!

Day 20 - Exercise for Jesus. :P

Day 21 - Daily Examen.

Day 22 and 23 - Another sacrifice - this time for a trip to Charlotte, NC.**

**Confession time - I lost it here. I completely lost the reason for the season and shifted into "frantic gift shopping mode". It was ugly. It's not that shopping is ugly. No, no, no. I was ugly. I totally lost sight of what's important and became obsessed with my agenda. Unfortunately, it happened at the expense of my loving husband. Oh, thank God he's so forgiving.

Day 24 - Take a deep breath [a miracle just in time for Christmas].

I didn't do one yesterday. Ha. I didn't do anything yesterday actually. My mom and dad had to work [boooo for them]. Sadie is visiting her biological father. Jermaine and I slept in and then lounged [or "rested"] all day. It was marvelous. I was actually able to contemplate Jesus and God's amazing gift to us.

And now [drum roll please] for Day 26 - Spiritual Directing!

I first heard about spiritual direction in the book The Sacred Way by Tony Jones. I felt immediately drawn to the idea. In the official version, you get together with a Certified Spiritual Director and they ask you some questions. Not in a judging way. Just gently probing - asking where you feel God's presence. Where you don't. And other such similar questions.

Henri Nouwen's website offers the best example I could find.

My friend Amie and I get together every so often and sort of conduct our own version. Often, we just end up bonding and chatting. But, it's quality friendship time and I always feel God's presence.

I'm leaving Charlotte Monday morning, so we're going to have session tomorrow night before I go home. I decided to post it tonight because I won't have the chance to post before tomorrow evening [if at all] and I wanted to you to have the chance to find a friend and try it if you wanted to.

Have a good night! Love!

Christmas Eve

31 Days of Jesus! Christmas Eve edition - Take a Deep Breath.

Merry Christmas Eve! This has been a very special day for my family - and I wanted to share our story with you!

8 years ago my uncle Danny got a new set of lungs because his were quite messed up. Unfortunately, his body rejected them. For nearly a decade he's been struggling just to breathe. It's been a long, painful journey for him and our family [especially his wife, and his two sons, Jesse and Josh]. And for a while now, we've been waiting for another new pair. But, at first, he was too sick to have the surgery.

Last August, Danny was finally deemed well enough for new lungs. And a new kind of wait began.

A couple months ago, we got the call - lungs in Pittsburgh! Uncle Danny, Aunt Tammy and the rest of their family piled in their car and drove from Bradford, PA to Pittsburgh. We were prayerful and excited. But - when they got there . . . they discovered that the lungs that had been donated were no good.

It was shocking and sad and there was nothing we could do but pray. And, honestly, it didn't seem like enough.

And then - yesterday, we got another call - a second donor - offering his heart to a 73 year man and his lungs to my uncle Danny.

And - they were good!

He had the surgery today. He's in recovery now. My aunt said he's doing much better than he was right after he had the last surgery 8 years ago. That's a good good sign!

We still don't know what the future will hold. Our hope is nervous - but it's also abundant. My mom broke down in tears today when she got the call. Because the reality of the matter is that someone had to lose their life so that my uncle can live his. That's so . . . remarkable. And truly and surely what this crazy thing called Christmas is all about.

Thank You, God! And merry merry Christmas!

And that's pretty much it. Have a happy Christmas. And thank you for reading my blog. :)

December 21st

31 Days of Jesus - Day 21 - Daily Examen.

I don't feel like writing this. I'm upset about my a grade I got . . .

I tried to write about an hour ago. It felt forced so I stopped. Sitting at my computer, playing on Facebook, I realized, I really need to practice the Daily Examen tonight. I need to take a look what this day has been about and where God has been in it.

At first, I thought I wasn't going to write because I didn't want to do it just because I felt like I was "supposed" to - like, people are expecting me to, and would be disappointed in me if I didn't. That's not what this blog is about - and I'm trying to let go of that kind of stuff.

And so, it's good. I let go of that reason. I no longer feel pressured to write this because of what you may or may not think of me.

But, then, God gave me a new reason. Because if I really need this, someone else may need it too.

If you're not a night owl, you'll probably read this in the morning. You can certainly do it then [for the day before] if you have time. If not, then maybe tomorrow night.

I'm not really up to explaining the nitty gritty details. And besides, this website does a much better job than I could ever do. And this PDF spells out exactly what you're supposed to do. I highly recommend this practice. It's truly good God stuff.

Good night, sweet people.

December 20th

31 Days of Jesus - Day 20: Exercise!

I feel close to God when I work out. I almost feel like it doesn't make sense, and that maybe, it shouldn't be included as a part of this 31 Days of Jesus journey. But, this is where I am today. And so far, through this whole thing, it's been incredibly fruitful for me to use the stuff that makes up my day and my overall morale to write this blog.

I'm done with school. I've been cleaning our horribly messy room for most of the day and watching the Biggest Loser Thanksgiving Edition as a way to get motivated to begin the process of getting back in shape. Jermaine and I trudged outside with our neighbor's shovel and were successful in digging our car out of the snow. Right before we ate, I squeezed in a powerful 10 minute workout and I'm aiming to get myself back out to our apartment gym in a couple of hours [after my belly has settled from dinner].

Oh, and also, randomly, I just finished watching some sort of Olympic skiing competition. And it got me thinking . . . I want to go snowboarding!

And so, I think I'm going to try to make it a reward for myself. If I can stick to an exercise routine for 6 weeks in a row then, on February 5th [tentatively], I'll head up to the mountains.

One of my major problems is that I tend to "reward" myself with food. Bad day? Have a candy bar. Big test? Buy some cheesecake. Gluttony, shame, low-self esteem, perpetuating bad habits; they're all interconnected and keep me messed up. I keep thinking that I need to figure it all out [ie: why I'm doing this to my body] before I can begin to fix the problems. But I'm learning that maybe I need to begin the *work* of fixing the problem before I get it all figured out.

ALSO - I don't want to do this alone. I realized that's why I keep blogging about my weight [http://outofshapeaerobicsinstructor.blogspot.com]. I'm hopelessly social and it's my own unique way of reaching out [even though I'm embarrassed] because I know I'm not alone in how I feel. There are thousands of people out there who struggle with weight and self esteem issues [regardless of the number on the scale].

Maybe today [or tonight, rather], we can prayerfully exercise, asking God how he wants us to use our bodies to glorify him.

Oh! And PS. I don't want to go snowboarding alone, either. My friend Jess and I are tentatively planning a trip this year - if you want to join us, let me know! We'll figure out a weekend that works well for all of us [the more the merrier!].

Love!

December 19th

31 Days of Jesus - Day 19 - Throw out your to-do list!

That's it. Just throw it out. Heh, if you live in Maryland or Virginia then you're probably snowed in anyway. We sure were! :)

I know it's late. You probably don't have anything else on your to-do list today [I'm banking on the fact that most of the people reading this watched TV all day as the snow piled up outside]. If you couldn't throw it out today, then you can tomorrow!

I've been trying to figure out what to do for today all day long. I finished my last exam OF THE SEMESTER at noon today and I've been chillaxing ever since. :P Finally realized that considering the past few months I've had, that's a totally awesome way of getting closer to Jesus!

After months of feeling the heavy weight of the homework I had every time I wanted to just chill out. It's freeing to let go of that guilt.

Good night! Happy slacking!