Saturday, November 29, 2008

What I'm Thinking About

I'm tired. My 7 hour trip turned into a 91/2 hour long excursion [and most definitely brought out of me [much to my dismay] a little bit of road rage [like, honestly - there is no freaking car in front of you, why on earth do you feel it necessary to brake THAT much??! [and, okay, I know cops are just doing their jobs - they've got quotas, whateve - but SERIOUSLY, 95 has been a parking lot for the past 3 hours, do you really need to pull him over? That just makes the rest of us sad]]] .

Oh well. 91/2 hours is better than the time we accidentally drove to Tennessee. That took 12.

Hi. I've missed you. I attempted to blog a couple times while I was in Charlotte, but it never materialized. I had a wonderful week. Filled with great friends, family, food and shopping.

Shopping. It was so fun. I went to thrift stores and bargain shops with my bffs and my mom. Mom and I also perused a fantabulous outlet mall in Gaffney, South Carolina. Very nice indeed. Good good quality time, and because of the locales, I didn't spend very much money.

Buuuut, of course, as I'm sure you've surmised, I had to break my fast to get in on the shopping mania.

I had sort of decided before I left that I was going to take a leave of absence from my fast while I was on vacation [I had definitely decided it once I was out of town] - kind of a fast from the fast. I don't know if you're supposed to do that. I know rules and regulations end up making things woefully legalistic, but still. I don't know if it was okay. I feel at peace [I think]. I repented [and asked for God to reveal if I had sinned].

This is little off topic, but seems like a good time to bring it up - I hate the word "sin." I avoid it at all costs. I feel like, by typing that word, I am instantly alienating anyone reading this blog who does not share my beliefs.

Now, having said that, I should say that I think sin is very real and relevant to our lives. But, I think it's misused. And misunderstood. More than that, I think it skews [sp?] the focus. Instead of working out what to do to glorify God, we put our energy into deciding what not to do in order to save ourselves.

I think that's dangerous. And, quite possibly sinful. If I may use so bold a term.

It also bugs me that we have developed a sin-o-meter rating system. Murder and rape top the list. While gossip goes virtually unnoticed. I should mention that it equally bugs me that the Bible says that we should not rate sins. I've wrestled with this so much. The Bible says all sins are created equal. But what kind of God created a world where the horrific sin of molestation is equal to some girlie gossip?

I don't get it. And it used to keep me up at night. Most people who know me know that I'm ultra sensitive to the evils of gossip. But, still. The consequences of rape can mess up a girl for life, while that same girl may not be affected one iota from bit of juicy gossip spilled out about her love life [well [and however], I feel compelled to say, it may affect her tremendously, or, act as a straw to break her already-wounded back].

Consequences. Forgiveness. Guilt.

I haven't figured it all out yet[don't know if I'm supposed to]. But I think those three things are instrumental [like a piano to a Ben Folds].

I've sinned before [shocking, right?]. Every time the consequences were different. I got a DWI in 2004. I paid SO much for that mistake. I paid with my time and my money. I've lost jobs, among other things. But I met people in rehab, those whose one night of bad judgment had turned them into murderers. And so I know that I got off lightly. Because that could have just as easily been me.

I've sinned in others ways, too. I've lied. I've cheated. I've never been caught. I had to live with the knowledge of what I did, but the actual penalties were minuscule.

I have this sin that haunts me. I was a bad mom. For the first two+ years of my daughter's life I put my wants above her needs.

I've repented so many times. But, still, I start to cry at the very thought. The other day I held the newborn of a very close friend. Then, out of nowhere, I just burst into tears. Instantly I was transformed back into that 20 year old girl, scared and selfish, terrified of making a fatal mistake. And in the meantime, making dozens daily.

I didn't know until that moment the long term consequences of my actions. Yes, I have been forgiven. God is so good. And despite my inadequacies, the Lord has filled me with hope, peace and love [and blessed me with an absolutely amazing little girl]. But the guilt still haunts me. And though I know that guilt is not helpful in the least, I can't seem to get rid of it.

I know I can. With God, all things are possible [cliché, though very true].

But it's difficult. And I get the feeling there will be a lot of work involved. And that's okay. I'm up for it.

This sin-o-meter. It must have something to do with consequences. And forgiveness. And guilt.

Maybe not necessarily in that order.

We ask and God forgives. But we rate because we face the consequences. We feel the guilt. And it hurts.

So, who knows. I don't. I don't get how sins are equal and I don't get how they're not. But God saw our mistakes and felt our hurt and instead of condemning us, sent Jesus to live and dwell and weep with us. With us. The Creator in communion with the creation.

This gives new meaning to the term "relational." To "communion." And, to "sin."

Oh dear.

One of my favorite quotes is, "I write to find out what I'm thinking about." [Joan Didion]

I would have never guessed that this what what I was thinking about. I thought I was just tired.

Oh well. Good. Fine. Okay.

Happy Sunday!

[Editor's note: that beautiful windblown picture [a candid shot taken outside of Moe's Restaurant in Charlotte, NC] was taken by our good friend/great photographer Daniel Berryhill. It was this picture that convinced us he would be the perfect person to photograph our wedding. He graciously agreed, and the wedding shots were just as lovely. I had to take this opportunity to sing his praises. (:]

1 comment:

Andrea said...

these pics almost make me want to cry..how did they get so big so fast