Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Epiphany Part Two

Hello again! Where were we?

Oh, yes! So, my mom was saying all this - how Jermaine's eyes light up when he talks about his music. I was moved by how moved she was. My mind just started spinning (in the good way - not in the way that you regret in the morning).

My train of thought ran something like this:

This is what he's meant to do. I just feel it. Huh. Isn't it odd how (for the first time in my adult life) we have enough money to live (if only for a period of time)? It's not a forever thing for sure - but what source of income is? Maybe, just maybe . . . he could take a break from the job searching. I could take a break from stressing over the job searching. And he could just fully concentrate on his music. For a moment in time, at least. Wouldn't that be incredible?

I felt it so strongly. I sensed it was the right thing even though it sounded kind of crazy. On the way home from Charlotte, I brought it up with Jermaine. He was excited - I mean, what's not to like, right? Fully concentrating on music and a non-stressed out wife. Definitely a Win/Win.

I had another epiphany around the same time. I realized just how strongly I feel God's presence when I dance. Helped to explain why I tear up during dance aerobics. It doesn't really have anything to do with this particular blog, but I like sharing it.

Anyways, getting back to the epiphany at hand - that's what we decided to do. He got to be music minded and we both got to be peace of minded.

We worked out the following plan - after Easter, if nothing had happened musically, he would resume the job hunting grind.

And so Easter came. Coincidentally, we traveled south again. On our way back from Charlotte, we had a different conversation.

Hmm. This is where it gets a bit complicated. I'm trying to figure out the best way to explain all the random thoughts I had. I guess you could say I've been having mini-epiphanies since Easter (although I don't think Jermaine would word it that way). But they were all weird and they conflicted with each other. Truly, I feel like nothing made sense until today.

On the trip back we talked about starting up the job hunt again. We would both have to - because I'm graduating soon and it's almost job-time for me as well. We discussed what it would look like - because he and I are very different kinds of people. And part of the stress before had to do with our conflicting natures.

Piano lessons came up. He could potentially make enough money to sustain our family teaching piano lessons alone. If only he had a keyboard. And honestly, it's a sad state of affairs that he hasn't owned his own keyboard in so long. This music, it's like part of him.

Soo, we bought one! And it's awesome - there's a picture of it in Part One of this blog.

So that's that, and it's good. But we keep wavering - should we pursue this music school/piano lessons idea? Should he finish college (he only has a year of undergrad left and it would really boost the whole job searching thing!)? Where does producing come into play?

Jermaine is . . . different from a lot of guys I know. And I love that. That's a huge part of why I married him.

And, I mean, also, I'm different from a lot of girls I know. Maybe that's why he married me.

This whole, "the man is the provider" idea. It doesn't really work so well for us. I'm the crazy ambitious one. He's got mad talent, but doesn't fair well in the multi-tasking department. It's the way God made him.

And you know me, I'm Ms. Feminist. Somewhere along the way, since Easter, I got to thinking . . . maybe I'm supposed to be the provider.

And that's where PAWS comes in.

I have these passions I want to pursue - creative endeavors I feel I was made to do. I'm such a dork that I made up an acronym.

I'm a


Social justice, human rights and gender stuff - those are my messages.

PAWS is my medium. And pastoring (I think) is the glue that holds it all together.

So, for the past couple of weeks I've been plotting. Planning. Trying to figure out what I needed to do to make these dreams a reality.

Back to the car ride home. Jermaine and I decided we'd both pursue our dreams passionately and vibrantly. But, until we found ourselves gainfully employed doing what we loved, we'd have to be willing to take on some jobs that maybe suck.

I know. It sounds like a no-brainer, right? Ridiculous, even, that we'd have to flesh it out like this.

I could give you a bunch of reasons as to why we did. But they're not essential. And if you know us at all, you probably already know them. Point is, we did need to flesh them out. So we did. And it made a world of difference.

Eek. But, this is where it gets a bit wonky. Last night, as I was praying (and seemingly out of nowhere), I got this supreme urge to pray this crazy prayer:

That God would provide Jermaine with a job doing something he absolutely loved (probably in the realm of music or graphic design) - and that he would make enough money for us to live - and then I could pursue my passions without needing to make any money to add to the family income.

It felt beautiful and good and right. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed - and wanting to steal away to pray/flesh out this nonsensical prayer.

I finally managed to get away (this afternoon - after I wrote the first blog) - I put on Robots for Sadie and Alex and I went into our bedroom and starting folding the huge mound of laundry that both Jermaine and I had been "about to get to" for the past several weeks. As I folded, I talked it out with God.

I listened to this sermon yesterday. I don't feel like getting into the whole thing (it really made me think tho - if you want to listen to it, you can find it here. It's called "Stay Thirsty"). I'll just say it left me with the a deep desire to really investigate what I long for. Like, at the root of all my good and bad desires, what is it I truly crave?

I traveled all the way back to high school. My deepest desires from then until now. What has changed, what hasn't?

Recognition, love, affirmation - these are my deepest ones, I think. My strategies have varied considerably, but the base desires have not.

I think God made us to pursue our passions. I think they are a part of a larger plan. And I think he wires us with these desires and unique ways of pursuing them - so that we might passionately seek him and other people, whom he loves deeply.

I was lost in thought, thinking these beautiful things, when I remembered that, only weeks ago I had come to the conclusion that perhaps Jermaine wasn't supposed to be the breadwinner here.

Well, I thought, what am I supposed to do with that?

Ha, I don't know, exactly. I feel that he has been called to pursue music. I think I've been called to pursue this odd combination of writing and performing.

I also know that he's very good at living in the moment. And I am not.

During my laundry prayer today, I realized that if my family died, I would have a lot of regrets. I would desperately wish I had spent more time with them. Perhaps that is the true epiphany.

I think I am called to pray this prayer - that God will grant Jermaine a Walker-sustaining career - because although I am called to pursue my own career, I am also called to experience deep joy and peace with my family. I have been concerned with money for I-don't-know-how-long. I think this prayer is really about letting that go.

I think. Eek.

Will you pray for us?


Jermaine Walker said...

How awkward to be commenting on this blog about me. But I'm glad you're writing. Weird, the rerun of House we just watched was kind of about this.

Anyway, see you in the kitchen.

brandyglows said...

I finished this blog yesterday and it didn't set right in my tummy.

This morning I realized what it was!

Ok. Yes, I'm praying this prayer. BUT, it's because I think it's a Good God thing.

It's subject to change, tho - I desperately, long to desire God's will. I'm just trying to sort out what that looks like in my life.


AbominableAmie said...

Wow. That is a lot to think about. Digest. Experience.

Have you seen Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix? There is this part where Hermione is explaining how Cho must feel about liking Harry... happy, confused, sad, conflicted etc. And Ron says, "No person can possibly feel all that all at once." And Hermione says, "Just because you have the emotional depth of a teaspoon, doesn't mean everyone does." (I wonked up those quotes but you get the idea. I think I also just made up 'wonked'. I like it.)

Well, that's how this blog is; a million feelings and thoughts and epiphanies all at once. But it's so good. I love that God gives us dreams and desires and that he doesn't just hand them over nice and easy like. We would be such shallow beings without the struggle and hardships and drudgery.

Have you read Donald Miller's book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years? Please do. It speaks to this, to life, to dreams.

I love you both. I will pray for your job life and your life life. I know anything can happen.

P.S. That is a sweet keyboard you got there.


P.P.P.S. These post scripts are getting a bit out of hand, don't you think?