Depression Hurts.

I am depressed.

I cry at random times. I have these horrible thought running through my head.

I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'll never get it right. What is wrong with me!?

I don't feel like talking to anyone about it. I don't, in fact, feel like doing anything. Somehow, tho, it seems easier to write about it [and consequently tell the world] than to tell any one person.

I told my mom. She thinks it's financial. And, yes, we are severely broke. But, I don't think it's that. I mean, come on, we all know I've been broke before. She told me to just try to be happy. That was not helpful.

She reminded me about all the wonderful things in my life. My amazing new husband, my sweet, funny little girl and the fact that I get to stay in school [not to mention my friends and my loving Creator].

That's why I don't think it could be about money. If my depression is circumstantial then I should focus on the possibility of insanity rather than sadness because I am truly, truly blessed.

I was in counseling a couple of years ago and we discussed in depth the danger of negative self-talk. I know it's poison. But, I don't know how to stop.

The phone just rang. I answered it. I usually don't [even if someone is returning my call]. But the person on the other end someone whom I felt would really understand.

She did [at least, I think she did]. She pointed out that with all of the changes that have taken place in my life in the past few months this is quite possibly very normal. And if she's right then I have been very very wrong.

Maybe it is circumstantial. Maybe it's hard to go from being a single mom to being a wife and mother. Maybe this apartment really has gotten a lot smaller since Jermaine moved in. Maybe I'm going to be okay. Maybe I need medicine. Maybe I don't. Maybe the first year of marriage really is the hardest. Maybe money is a factor. Maybe it's okay if my house is a mess. Maybe it's okay to cry sometimes.

I would like to end this blog by asking for prayer.

Will you pray:

• for my spiritual life - particularly in regards to the spiritual discipline of fasting [I feel very called to fast and yet still haven't done it]
• that I can get health insurance soon [mine just ended yesterday] so that I can talk to a doctor about this
• that I will not be so selfish and self-centered
• for my daughter and my husband - that they will have patience with me while I work through this and that I will be loving and nurturing toward them even in the mist of depression
  
• that I will not neglect things that need to be done [like taking care of my family, paying bills, cleaning our apartment and doing schoolwork]
• that I will not be too hard on myself when I mess up
• that I won't try to numb the pain with food, alchohol or anything else
• that God will use this time to draw me closer to Him

Thanks.

Wedding Pictures

Some very exciting things have happened and are about to happen to me. Unfortunately, I am a little bit too tired to delve into them tonight. But, I just realized I only posted two wedding photos. The pictures really are too good not to share [we had the best photographer in the world]. Here are a few. More to come later, probably.

Have a lovely evening.

Thank you for letting me share.

PS. If you read this before you might have realized it had one or two gross grammatical errors. I guess I really was tired. (:

The Good, the Bad and the Essentials

I don't know where to start. I'm trying to write more often so that I'm not so all over the place. But, let's be honest, my every day is all over the place.

Hmmmm. Let's see. Oooh - well, I cut Sadie's hair all by myself! I think it turned out pretty well, considering I'd never done that before. If you look closely you can tell it's an amateur kind of deal, but she loves it, so whateve.

She was nervous! And I was snapping at her to stay still because I was so afraid it would be lopsided. I apologized. She's very forgiving [and crazy fidgety!].

I cut her hair as a way of not spending money. The finances are stretched. And have been that way [at least for me] for a very very long time. And yet, you'd never know it the way I spend. It's something I've prayed about, repented and fallen back into time and time again.

Just recently I've had a change in heart. It was definitely a God thing. Spending money for no good reason suddenly just made no sense. And then shortly after I started to feel that way I had a wonderful conversation with Jermaine in which he said he kind of liked the idea of "roughing it".

It's funny. I've working diligently on the other side of the mountain - job searching, trying to make money. I didn't put half as much time on the saving end.

So we made this deal - only neccesities. For a while. My friend Amie [who by the way, just starting reading my blog and wrote a very flattering comment that gave me a great deal of joy!] actually has been doing this for a couple months. And my friend Jess [who is always leaving wonderfully sweet comments] just started doing it, too. Wow. We're very in fashion.

But I didn't realize it was the same thing [the pact between Jermaine and myself and my friends' pledge to buy only the essentials] until now. I thought we were just roughing it. It sounds so much cooler that way.

So anyways, this is what we're working with and this is how we're working it. Now, I must admit, this is only day 2. I'll keep you informed.

But . . .

. . . unbelievably, the same day we decided this I got a phone call from my temp agency offering me a five week gig. I took it, even though I had a plane ticket to LA with my in-laws for next week that I would have to give up.

Boo, I thought. Then, today I found out that they were going to let me go to California [and make up my hours]! Bru-ha-ha! Yay God!

And, when I got home I had an email from an potential employer wanting to set up an interview! This is the only interview I've received from the 60+ applications I sent out and it came the day after God changed my heart.

So.

I have a money-making temp job, saved $20 cutting my kid's hair, I get to go to Los Angeles, I have a job interview, and I got a notice today saying I'm in jeopardy of eviction because I haven't paid my rent.

Oh, shoot. I hadn't mentioned that part yet, had I? Crap.

Well, you know, the good with the bad? (:

Long story short [because this blog is becoming a long story] we are waiting on a check that was supposed to be here three weeks ago. It's for a graphics job Jermaine did before we got married. It's been extremely frustrating but we have good reason to believe that it will be here tomorrow. Will you pray for us?

Thanks! Yes, yes. I think that's it [for now].

What a day!

What a day! What a day! What a day! What a day!

I asked my friend, Dwayne, if he liked me most recent blog and he said, "Um, yeah, I did. But it was too freaking long."

Oh.

But that's probably because I hadn't written in a hot minute. SO . . .

Let me make you a deal. Read me [everyday]. I'll keep it short [and very sweet].

I'm depressed. Or, er, I was. Or, well, I'm dealing with it. I'm working through my melancholy.

I woke up early today. Too early. 6am early. It was good at first. I listened to a sermon and walked to the library and bought some groceries. Went to church and all was well. For a minute. Then, I think the tired started to catch up to me. Or something. I don't know. I felt very "in my head."

I had this crazy idea. I want to start my own Anti-Slavery Coalition. I'll delve more into that later. I'm on my second beer and can't really articulate the details accurately.

Anyhoo. There are the other things "in my head." My job and school situations. Our budget. Being a newlywed. Going to LA next week, just to name a few. Long story short, all of this added up to a huge wart in the shape of worry in my mind. I tried to downplay it, but didn't succeed. I was so distracted and focused on myself I ended up being a real jerk to Jermaine Matthew and Sadie Maria.

Let's not get into the nitty gritty. Let's just say I screwed up and call it a day. One of the very worst parts about me is that I have a tendency [if left unchecked] to take out my stress on those closest to me.

They were very gracious and forgave me almost instantaneously. I am undeservingly blessed.

This is ending up a bit on the long side and I want to cut it off soon. But I wanted to add that the day ended with an amazing church service called Frontline; a wonderfully generous rambling mother, really good friends, great conversation, an apologetics Bible and Dogfish Head Beer.

It doesn't get any better than this, folks. Praise Jesus.

Lazy Saturday Blog

"I write to find out what I'm thinking about." - Edward Albee

I've kept a quote book since I was about 14 or 15. I don't really add much to it anymore. It contains mostly phrases that struck me hard when I a sweet [and silly], naive teenage girl. Quotes like:

"I shall have more to say when I am dead." - Edwin Arlington Robinson from the poem "John Brown"

"The more particular, the more specific you are, the more universal you are." - Nancy Hale

"I don't want to be normal like you." - Everclear

"Violence s something only for people who have run out of good ideas." - Doug in Doug: The Movie

These were the words that shaped my formative years. Wait . . . are your teenage years the "formative" years? Well, whatever. You know what I mean.

That first quote has always rang so true for me. Like today. I have no idea what this blog is going to be about [even though I'm halfway through]. I just started it to see what was going to happen.

It's been a long time. I never blogged about the wedding. I'm sorry. It was simply fabulous. If you weren't there you missed something amazing. If you were there you are probably a little bit ticked at me right now because I have yet to write one thank you card.

All in good time. All in good time.

I'm feeling very speculative today. I was just reading Ending Slavery by Kevin Bales, so that may be why. I read and I think, what can I do? I want to do something! I'm not a teacher. I'm not a doctor or a nurse. I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a lawyer. I am certainly not a musician. These professions are so needed in the abolitionist movement and I am not gifted in any of these areas. What the flip can I do?

Today it hit me. In a still small whisper like a ton of bricks, "A voice." I'm a voice.

I guess I've known this for quite some time. Perhaps it seems like I'm all over the board. I certainly want to be and do a lot of things. But I am clear in my gifts. I'm a writer, a reader, a speaker and a salesman. And I make a great first impression [most of the time]. I think God is all about using the gifts I do have [and the nagging annoying passionate nature I possess] in the fight against human trafficking. And I'm excited.

Man, this week has been a whirlwind [is that one word or is it hyphenated?].

I quit my job at Red Robin. And I started a new job as an At Home Consultant with The Body Shop [think girlie stuff for nature-loving hippies]. Right now it's all about building up my business and dealing with rejection because, you know, everyone hates a salesman [sorry to be so gender-specific but "salesperson" and "saleswoman" are just too long].

It's cool though. Many things I love put me in line for rejection [Jesus, acting, sales, writing, public-speaking]. I really should get over it. I think that it may be one of those life lessons God is teaching me about right now [at such a time as this].

This week has been full of second guessing myself, depression, thanking God and feeling blessed. It's had extreme highs and lows. I'm over the lows [at the moment]. Yesterday was a high and I wanted to share.

My friend Valerie had a GNO [Girls Night Out - a Body Shop party] for me to help me get my business started. We prepped all day. We bought fantastic food from Trader Joe's and denied ourselves food [because we were so wrapped up in preparing we forgot to eat]. We bonded and giggled and made stupid jokes. We rushed and ran and hurried. The excitement is the best part. We finally finished just as the clock struck 7pm. Our first guest arrived! I was excited and nervous - only a few more minutes and then . . .

. . . no one else came. WTF? She was bummed. And pissed. And she's got a bit of a temper. In the training videos I was told that if I didn't care [that not a lot of people showed up] then the host would be put at ease. And honestly, I didn't care. The friend that had arrived was really chill and I was having fun with them. I just like people.

But, I was pissed for her. Because ten or so people had RSVPed that day and said they would be there. How rude! [a la Stephanie Tanner].

Finally, we were like, "Screw them, let's pamper our feet." It was a foot spa party, by the way. And so, I began and the mood lightened. The spas are really nice and you can't help but relax whilst soaking aching toes.

I had just finished my shpeel and was about to move on to the body butter portion of the evening when lo and behold, another guest showed up.

And then another.

And then two more.

Yeehaw!

Now, I feel compelled to add that one of the guests was a boy [her brother, in fact]. I add this because he absolutely made my night. He was all about a foot spa! Loooved it.

The evening ending up being filled with more giggles and guffaws then the day leading up to it had held. It turned out to be a fabulous debut for me and a welcome treat for everyone involved. I mean, I think, at least. They seemed to like it. I didn't go around asking people if it had been a treat or anything. Whateve.

The point is it was goood. It was real good.

So I know I have written far too much. I only have one more thing to add: I might be going on a pilgrimage [another one of those sacred disciplines] with an amazing group of girls whom I am blessed to have as friends! Sweet, right?

Yeehaw. Praise Jesus.

Marriage and Crab Cakes

Good grief, where do I begin?

Hmm, well, I'm married!??!!

Now you may be wondering why I am blogging on my honeymoon. Yes. That's a good question.

So, how are things? Personally, I can't complain. It's weird being married, though. All the glamor and hoopla of the wedding completely mask the nakedness and [if I may be so frank] grossness that is a married man and woman. I've been working for the last 3 years to hide certain yucky facts about myself [like I spit when I brush my teeth and my **** doesn't smell like roses]. It's all over now. He knows.

But it's cool. Human beings are gross. Regardless of what Hollywood wants you to think. I've accepted it and you can too. Lord knows he has. He's been gross this whole time just waiting for me to catch up.

Saint Simons has been fun. Full of laughter [and some tears], great southern food [and horrible water], an amazing walk along the beach [and an accidental trip to Florida [which of course led to more tears], a huge gross jelly fish [and a terrifying sting ray [which, as it turns out, was probably dead], and extremely kind country beach folk.


I decided to develop a country accent. Jermaine said I sounded like Reese Witherspoon and demanded I sing "Times' a wastin'." That was weird.

I've also decided that because I fit into girls size 14/16 I'm going to start buying matching clothes for my daughter, Sadie and I. You don't get it. That's okay. She gets it.

When I get home I'll write a big long blog all about the wedding. I don't have it in me right now. I hope that's okay. Thank you [as always] for tuning in. You make me so happy.

Prayer of an Abolitionist

So, apparently country songs make me cry. Even the stupid ones. I had no idea.

I used to listen to country music all the time [I am from Greene County, VA]. But, when I fell in love with hip-hop [and yes, it was a love affair] I sort of blew off country. Part of that had to do with my obsession with being cool [country music is so last decade].

Anyhoo. Recently, I figured out that I am, in fact, not very cool at all [I'm hot, tho . . .] One cannot be cool and write words like "anyhoo" and "backside" with a straight face.

Whilst I adjust to this new realization I have decided to give country another go-round. And what do you know? I can barely get through one song without bawling my eyes out.

That is so not cool.

Anyhoo.

Last week while I was in Charlotte my friend, Amie, lent me a book about spiritual disciplines entitled The Sacred Way by Tony Jones. Today I tried one out.

I've read through about 5 of them [there are 16 in the book]. I've read through Silence and Solitude, Sacred Reading, The Jesus Prayer, Centering Prayer and Meditation. I chose to practice Sacred Reading for my first venture into the world of spiritual disciplines. I had no intention of blogging about it before hand [hello? I'm getting married in like 2 1/2 weeks, what else would I talk about?]. But, the events that unfolded in my quiet time lent themselves to a blog.

There are 4 parts to Sacred Reading [also known as Lectio Divina]: reading, meditation, prayer, and contemplation. I chose Psalm 90 because I had marked it as my favorite psalm some time ago [and then all but forgot about it]. I read out of The Message [as suggested by Mr. Jones [he also recommended the New Jerusalem Bible, but I didn't have that].

This is the text I read:

A PRAYER OF MOSES, MAN OF GOD

1-2 God, it seems you've been our home forever;
long before the mountains were born,
Long before you brought earth itself to birth,
from "once upon a time" to "kingdom come"—you are God.

3-11 So don't return us to mud, saying,
"Back to where you came from!"
Patience! You've got all the time in the world—whether
a thousand years or a day, it's all the same to you.
Are we no more to you than a wispy dream,
no more than a blade of grass
That springs up gloriously with the rising sun
and is cut down without a second thought?
Your anger is far and away too much for us;
we're at the end of our rope.
You keep track of all our sins; every misdeed
since we were children is entered in your books.
All we can remember is that frown on your face.
Is that all we're ever going to get?
We live for seventy years or so
(with luck we might make it to eighty),
And what do we have to show for it? Trouble.
Toil and trouble and a marker in the graveyard.
Who can make sense of such rage,
such anger against the very ones who fear you?

12-17 Oh! Teach us to live well!
Teach us to live wisely and well!
Come back, God—how long do we have to wait?—
and treat your servants with kindness for a change.
Surprise us with love at daybreak;
then we'll skip and dance all the day long.
Make up for the bad times with some good times;
we've seen enough evil to last a lifetime.
Let your servants see what you're best at—
the ways you rule and bless your children.
And let the loveliness of our Lord, our God, rest on us,
confirming the work that we do.
Oh, yes. Affirm the work that we do!

I read it over and over. There were parts that brought tears to my eyes. "Surprise us with love at daybreak" stood out to me. As did, "We've seen enough evil to last a lifetime." It was so sad. I couldn't figure out why I had been so struck by this passage as to dub it "my favorite." I thought about my dad. I thought about Darfur and human trafficking. I praised God for the blessings in my life.

As I read and re-read the text I thought about Moses. He was scolding our Creator. That went against everything I had been taught. And yet, here it was, in the Bible. It appeared to be coming from a place of desperation. I thought about the International Justice Mission and the people of the Polaris Project and Night Light. The scripture seemed to be a prayer of an abolitionist.

OMG.

Moses. Moses was the abolitionist. I began to weep. I want to say I stayed there to savor the moment, to soak in this knowledge I'd been blessed with. I didn't. I mean, I did for a minute. But I was just so excited.

I asked God if I could blog this experience. I believe He gave me His blessing.

I want to be an abolitionist when I grow up. I hope I grow up soon.