Thursday, September 4, 2008

Depression Hurts.

I am depressed.

I cry at random times. I have these horrible thought running through my head.

I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'll never get it right. What is wrong with me!?

I don't feel like talking to anyone about it. I don't, in fact, feel like doing anything. Somehow, tho, it seems easier to write about it [and consequently tell the world] than to tell any one person.

I told my mom. She thinks it's financial. And, yes, we are severely broke. But, I don't think it's that. I mean, come on, we all know I've been broke before. She told me to just try to be happy. That was not helpful.

She reminded me about all the wonderful things in my life. My amazing new husband, my sweet, funny little girl and the fact that I get to stay in school [not to mention my friends and my loving Creator].

That's why I don't think it could be about money. If my depression is circumstantial then I should focus on the possibility of insanity rather than sadness because I am truly, truly blessed.

I was in counseling a couple of years ago and we discussed in depth the danger of negative self-talk. I know it's poison. But, I don't know how to stop.

The phone just rang. I answered it. I usually don't [even if someone is returning my call]. But the person on the other end someone whom I felt would really understand.

She did [at least, I think she did]. She pointed out that with all of the changes that have taken place in my life in the past few months this is quite possibly very normal. And if she's right then I have been very very wrong.

Maybe it is circumstantial. Maybe it's hard to go from being a single mom to being a wife and mother. Maybe this apartment really has gotten a lot smaller since Jermaine moved in. Maybe I'm going to be okay. Maybe I need medicine. Maybe I don't. Maybe the first year of marriage really is the hardest. Maybe money is a factor. Maybe it's okay if my house is a mess. Maybe it's okay to cry sometimes.

I would like to end this blog by asking for prayer.

Will you pray:
  • for my spiritual life - particularly in regards to the spiritual discipline of fasting [I feel very called to fast and yet still haven't done it]
  • that I can get health insurance soon [mine just ended yesterday] so that I can talk to a doctor about this
  • that I will not be so selfish and self-centered
  • for my daughter and my husband - that they will have patience with me while I work through this and that I will be loving and nurturing toward them even in the mist of depression
  • that I will not neglect things that need to be done [like taking care of my family, paying bills, cleaning our apartment and doing schoolwork]
  • that I will not be too hard on myself when I mess up
  • that I won't try to numb the pain with food, alchohol or anything else
  • that God will use this time to draw me closer to Him


Jess said...

i love you. you are welcome to call me any time if you need someone to chat with about this - i don't promise to be much help, even, but i am always a sympathetic and loving ear. and i know where you're coming from - i have had many, many years dealing with the same thing and have only recently begun to function as a normal human being.

i am praying for you, friend. please know that you are beautiful and loved and you make my life so much happier just by being in it.


Hutch said...

I realize I'm posting this after the fact, but consider that a lot of the stuff that we hear in our heads...isn't us. I always question anything I hear in my head that is in the third person.

It's possible that this stuff is you, but it may be that you're just agreeing with the lies you're being told by the Enemy, and aren't even aware of it.

Pray it out.

Meghan said...

brandy m. walker,
i freaking love you.
-j.meghan murray