Peter's Journal: Saturday

I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see him . . . bloody, naked . . . dead.

I . . . I don't understand . . .

I don't have words . . . I want to die . . . I want to die.

Was it all for nothing? How can he be dead?

God seems so silent . . . if . . . there is a God . . .

What am I saying? I want to believe! But . . . I . . . I just don't understand . . .

I just don't understand . . .

Peter's Journal: Friday Morning [Edited]

[Painting of the apostle Peter by Alberta Rae (Sune') Richards]

The apostle originally named Simon; also called Simeon (Acts 15:14) and Cephas. A fisherman in business with James and John (Luke 5:2-3, 10); married, lived in Capernaum (Mark 1:21, 29-30).

Walked on water (Matthew 16:28-31). Confessed Jesus as Messiah (Matthew 16:13-20; Mark 8: 27-30; Luke 9:18-21). At transfiguration (Matthew 17:1-9; Mark 9:2-8; Luke 9:28-36; 2 Peter 1:16-18). Jesus predicted he would deny Him (Matthew 26:31-35; Mark 14:27-31; Luke 22:31-34;John 13:36-38); denial (Matthew 25: 69-75; Mark 14:66-72; Luke 22:54-62; John 18:15-18,25-27); restoration to "feed My sheep" (John 21: 15-19).

Spoke at Pentecost (Acts 2:14-40); Healed people (3:1-10, 5:15, 9:34); raised Tabitha from the dead (9:36-43). Arrested and forbidden to preach ((4:1-31, 5:17-41). Saw vision: sent to Cornelius (Acts 10); reported Gentile conversions (Acts 11; 15); confronted by Paul for inconsistency (Galatians 2:11-14). Imprisoned by Herod; freed by angel (Acts 12:1-9).

Focused on Jewish Evangelism (Galatians 2:7). Wrote two letters (1 Peter 1:1; 2 Peter 1:1).

All of the preceding information was taken from page 1990 [the Concordance] of The Apologetics Study Bible.

I've done a little bit of online research, too. But I feel hesitant to publish my findings because it's hard to tell what's fact and what's rubbish. I did find a book - A Fragile Stone: The Emotional Life of Simon Peter, by Michael Card, and it seems like it might be a good read. Perhaps when I'm done with the 90+ books I own but haven't read, I'll take a peek into that one.

I think The New Advent Catholic Encyclopedia seems to be most accurate and thorough biography of Peter that I've found. It's also an interesting site just to browse through - the homepage is doused with eyebrow-raising blogs from a uniquely Catholic perspective.

I'm sure I could go on for a very long time. But that is hardly necessary.



Peter's Journal: Friday Morning

What have I done?

My head is swimming, my eyes are red from lack of sleep and bitter tears, and my stomach is threatening to give up last night's meal any moment now.

I drank too much last night. At least, I think I did. I must have. It's all a blur. Jesus said something about me denying I that know him. The wine, it seemed had given me extra boldness and my thoughts came up like word vomit - "I love You, Jesus! I truly do, and I would NEVER do anything like that!

How could I have been so stupid?

I should have known. What is wrong with me?

I haven't slept all night, er, since the garden. He asked us to stay awake and pray with Him. The wine had made me sleepy, I thought I'd just close my eyes for a second . . .

The next thing I know, Jesus was shaking me awake. I don't know if I've ever seen Him so upset. He has this look - it seems as if it can cut through my soul.

The next thing I know, Judas was standing next to us, with a bunch of other men. I didn't understand at first. Judas kissed Jesus. And then the men grabbed Him. I was boiling with anger. So I drew my sword and aimed to strike the awful man binding Jesus. But I didn't want to hit our Lord, of course, and it was so dark. I missed, and cut off this other guy's ear.

And Jesus was so angry. He said something about this being the cup that the Father had given Him.

What?!!?

And then they went to grab all of us. I think everyone got away. Everyone, except the One that matters.

We followed them, James and I, trying to be stealthy, to stay in the shadows. People kept asking me if I was one of His followers. I didn't want to blow our cover.

And then I remembered what Jesus had said. A wave of nausea washed over me and I just ran. I felt like I could cry and throw up all at once.

I don't understand! But I hate being at odds with Jesus. It's worse than any fight I've ever had. It's worse than when he called me "Satan", though that was pretty bad.

I just wish it were over. I wish Jesus would rebuke his captors and demand they set Him free. I don't know why he went so willingly! He is the Son of God! Why doesn't He act like it?

Lay Offs, Peter's Journal, and the Easter Bunny

Where do I begin?

Er, well . . . Jermaine got laid off last week . . .

. . . Kind of put a damper on things.

I didn't take it well. Jermaine was full of mixed feelings; relief [from not having to go back to a job he didn't love], uncertainty, panic [he wanted me to add], hope and excitement [for what God was going to do next]. He felt that this was the first time he'd ever been tested - the first time he didn't have a safety net in place. And he was ready to give it all to God and see what the Lord has in store.

I was miles away in spirit. When he first told me, I laughed. We'd spent the day [last Friday] scraping up funds to pay for a way-past-overdue credit card so it wouldn't be charged off. We finally figured out a way to to do it and . . . wtf? I was in total disbelief.

Eventually, later that day, it did hit. And I felt numb with shock. I had said, only a few weeks ago [when he was called into his boss's office and we thought he was about to get the ax [though, of course, it didn't happen at that time]] that if he did, it may be a blessing in disguise. That if God was going to take this away from him, it was because God had something way better in store [and perhaps something that uses his unique gifts [graphic design and music/piano]. Now I suddenly wanted to kick myself for saying such rubbish.

Disbelief and shock wore off pretty quickly [less than 24 hours, I would say] and I was left with this horrible ache in my stomach that smelled distinctly like fear. I was scared. And depressed. I felt so out of control. I hated not knowing what was going to happen next.

I knew it wasn't a God thing. I knew that these feelings were not helpful, and that, in fact, they were probably quite harmful. I am an emotional creature, though, and I could not pull myself out of this destructive funk.

Saturday night, at dinner with some friends [an event Jermaine had to drag me to], I first began to experience Jesus at work pulling me out of the muck. Our friends graciously and honestly offered to help in whatever way they could. If not for times such as these, they exclaimed, what was community for?

We have known these folks for, like, two months! And I am still struck by their love and kindness.

Their caring and concern helped, a little. I thought it helped more than it did, I think. I wish it had helped as much as I thought it did [you get bonus points if you follow what I just said here - because I'm not even sure I do].

But, sigh. I am stubborn and, I believe, I wanted to stay in my [funky but familiar] funk.

Jermaine and I have argued, it seems, all week. It sucks so bad. We knew. We knew that this had the potential to pull us apart [as similar scenarios have done in the past]. We hoped against hope that it would do the opposite, and strengthen the bond between us. But we seemed to be fighting a losing battle.

Jermaine and I go about life very differently. He is very understanding toward the way that I operate. I am, however, not quite as accepting. I quickly became frustrated [too quickly]. Feeling that he wasn't doing enough to look for a job. Certainly not the way I would do it.

And so we fought. And we gave each other the silent treatment. We went to bed angry. We got up [and I was still angry]. Instead of praying to God for strength and perseverance, I focused on perfecting the art of holding a grudge [which, interestingly, is not normally my nature].

Yesterday, after about the fourth time we'd fought, made up, and burst into anger again, he walked up to me, put his arms around me and asked if we could just stop being mad at each other.

"Okay." I murmured, feeling weak and out of control. Let's just start there.

We still don't agree, of course. We still do things very differently. But we haven't fought since yesterday and considering the week we've had, that's a bit of a record.

I think that there are demonic forces working among us. Spiritual warfare, if you will. I said earlier I thought we were fighting a losing battle. I forgot, for a little while, the God who has already won the war.

I don't want to say I am still scared. If I am, I pray that God will take that fear away from me. And help me to focus on him. Jermaine thanked God for this lay off earlier today. I am so glad he did. I needed to hear that. A couple of blogs ago, I wrote about thanking God for all things. Compared to some of the things I thanked God for in that blog, this is nothing.

My friend Jess mentioned today that when a friend of ours was in mourning during a particularly sad time, she used to pray, "Lord, You do everything so well." Indeed. Indeed.

Today is Maundy Thursday. It is the day that [some of [it's traditionally been a Catholic, Eastern Orthodox kind of thing [think "high church"]]] the Christian church remembers the initiation of The Last Supper. On this night, 2000ish years ago, the disciples ate and drank jovially, ignorant to what was about to take place. The very next day, their Messiah was killed - crucified, and it seemed that nothing, nowhere - in the entire world could be worse than that moment, except perhaps, life afterward. Jesus, they thought, had failed. Something had gone terribly, terribly wrong.

And then, two days later . . . the rumors began. A couple of women were spreading some crazy things. That His tomb was empty. That Mary Magdalene, the former prostitute, had seen him. That he was alive - back from beyond the grave.

Of course, they didn't believe it, at first. How could they? These things just don't happen, right?

But then, there He was. Right in front of them. Oh! Glorious God, how can it be?

This seemingly horrific event [the worst thing in the entire world] turned out to be the greatest gift [in the entire world].

Lord, You do everything so so well.

And I think about Peter. I am so drawn to him. He is notoriously passionate and hot-headed. In love with the Savior and prone to wild mistakes. The night before Jesus died, after supper, He journeyed to a garden to pray. Jesus knew what was coming. He asked a few of his disciples to stay awake and pray with him, Peter was among them. They could not keep their eyes open. Right before he was arrested, a frustrated Jesus exclaims, "Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough!" [Mark 14: 32-42]

And then, when Jesus is arrested, an enraged Peter takes out his sword [a sword he still carries despite Jesus's message of Love, Peace and a different kind of Kingdom] and cuts off the ear of the high priest's slave. Again, Jesus rebukes him, "Sheathe your sword! Am I not to drink the cup the Father has given Me?" [John 18:10-11]

A few hours before all this, Jesus had revealed to Peter that he would deny Him three times. Peter was indignant. Surely he wouldn't [couldn't!] do that! But by Friday morning he faces the grave realization that Jesus spoke nothing but the truth. [John 18: 15-18; 25-27]

And I just feel for the guy. Man! He's really blown it.

Sunday morning, when the women discover the empty tomb, an angel is there, waiting to share the good news. He tells them, "But go, tell his disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you to Galilee; you will see Him there just as He told you.'" [Mark 16:7] [Emphasis added.]

Peter probably didn't feel like a disciple anymore. But God is so incredibly merciful. And reading this story, I am struck with gratitude. Because I know I've been spots like these. And I know God has mercy on me, too.

This is the first year I have thought twice about the Holy Week. Last year, Jermaine and I told Sadie the truth about the Easter Bunny [and Santa Claus]. It's been a difficult year for her. Her first Christmas knowing the truth [which, I think, was considerably harder than Easter]. But she is a cool kid, and I think, may prefer to be in the know, taking her first small step out of childhood.

This last year, for me, has been difficult, too. God has been placing things [like Maundy Thursday and Lent] on my heart. Difficult, but rewarding, I guess I should add, because I feel that he is teaching me fascinating things about his personality, things that I was completely in the dark about.

Tomorrow, I will attend my very first Good Friday service. I crave the somberness that [I think God is teaching me] should accompany the next two days. I want to feel the deep, unspeakable loss that the disciples felt, so, on Sunday I may feel the immense joy, comfort and elation of the Resurrection.

I think God blessed me with a cool idea today. A bloggerific idea, I must say.

Peter's Journal: a fictional account of the feelings he endured 2000ish years ago [based on the Bible and a bit of internet research, probably].

For the next few days, I will "be" Peter [a brief biography will proceed the entries in case you want to learn more about who he is [though I am not not not an expert on any level]].

I think this may be a prayerful learning exercise for me from God. I said I wanted to know what it felt like . . .

You know what they say - be careful what you wish for.

Sweet dreams. And, as always, thank you for reading my blog.

Pimping People

It's not what you think.

Er, I mean, I guess I don't know what you think, so I suppose it could be.

Whateve.

Dot, dot, dot.

Hi!

Surprise, surprise, I'm in a random mood again. Thought I'd attempt to put it to good use by name-dropping [wonderful, ordinary people] and showing off some good God stuff.

My 2pm class got canceled today. I used the extra time to peruse interesting reads online that I do not usually have time to browse. Decided it might be fun to share with you [both of you].

But before we get started: Random Tidbit About Me Time [one of the drawbacks of reading this blog]: I realized today that when I'm in class and the professor is not making much sense [to me] and it all seems a bit foggy, I always have this strange urge to paint my face. Or well, mark my face - usually with thick black crosses on my cheeks and one large charcoal line down the middle of my forehead and nose. Oh dear. It sounds much stranger on paper than it does in my head. I don't know if this makes it any better, but I have not yet acted on these urges.

Anyhoo. If you still want to listen to my opinion after that confession [or the same thing mysteriously happens to you, too] then feel free to keep reading. If not, I understand. I promise I won't cry too much after you leave.

First up, The Discipleship Dojo. My friend, James-Michael's blog about the real Saint Patrick caught my eye. It's fascinating. Although I am a little embarrassed that I had no knowledge of him whatsoever. If you're in the same boat, I'll let JM fill you in.

I follow three different blogs; CRCC Lenten Devotions, The Creative Year and the Not For Sale Campaign Blog. All are, in my humble opinion, noteworthy.

CRCC [Cedar Ridge Community Church] Lenten Devotions is a short term blog that is running through the Lenten season [am I supposed to capitalize the word Lenten?]. Each day there is a new [surprise] devotion. I don't do them everyday [I wish I did] but I find the ones I do to be quite refreshing.

My good friend, Daniel started The Creative Year in January as an outlet for his excessive [and wonderful] creativity. Each day brings something fresh and new [and pleasing to mine eyes]. He has acquired quite a following and I am a little jealous [because, of course, I struggle with horrible bouts of jealousy], but he is so freaking talented that I cannot hold it against him [that and I think his wife, Amie, is the absolute Bee's Knees].

I just began following the Not For Sale Blog today. Mostly to stay abreast [what a wonderful word!]. Not For Sale is an organization you may have already heard me drone on about. David Batstone started it [and wrote a fabulous book that carries the same name]. Another noteworthy note: they are doing this thing called The Investigator Certification Academy this summer. It's two intensive weeks of training to become an abolitionist investigator. I REALLY REALLY want to go. I told J about it. He thinks I'm nuts. He's probably right. It costs, like, $1000. And it's in San Francisco. So I'm sure that number doesn't include airfare. Sigh. I'm praying. If you would pray, too, that would be lovely. If this is something God wants me to do, then pray that he meets the financial need to make it happen. If it's not, then pray that he channels the abolitionist passion he's given me into something equally as wonderful.

Something else that caught my eye - a new article from Radiant Magazine. It's about the importance of sticking with your local congregation. I am just about to leave a church that I have called home for the past three years. I wholeheartedly think it's a good God thing for us to leave. But, this article raises some uncomfortable questions and I love to be uncomfortable. This situation is a bit personal and still a little raw so I don't feel that it's appropriate to discuss it at length on this blog, but if you know me and the situation and want to dive into a theological discussion from questions raised from the article, then, you know, get at me, dawg.

I have a few other wonderful bloggerific friends on my "Blogs I Love" section. But they haven't updated their blogs in a while so I will silently pout and hope that they get the message [ahem: ANDREA, MEGHAN & JESS]. I mean, I know you guys are insanely busy, but, I don't care - I LOVE READING YOUR BLOGS!

Okay. That's quite enough type yelling for one blog. And I've been at this computer station so long that the librarians are starting to glare at me a little.

Happy Thursday!

This Changes Everything

[Caution: Long Blog Alert]

As you may or may not know, I've been struggling with weight/self-esteem/overeating/gluttony/addiction issues for most of my adult life. In 2007 I set out on a quest to become Super-Fit-Aerobics-Mom. I thought I had it figured out. I lost 20 lbs, gained a considerable amount of muscle, got certified as an aerobics instructor and looked fabulous for my wedding pictures last June.

So, of course, I was quite taken aback when my scale began to skyrocket back up shortly after my honeymoon. And now, less than a year later, I have packed on 30 extra pounds.

I wasn't expecting this. I thought I had this. But, looking back, I must admit that this is not a new phenomenon:

• My senior year of high school I moved from my little town in Virginia to [what I saw as] the Big City of Charlotte, NC. By the time I graduated, I had gained 15 lbs.
• I gained 35 lbs while I was pregnant and only lost 15 during childbirth. During the early months of Sadie's life I suffered from an intense case of postpartum depression. At 168 lbs, I was heavier than I ever had been.
• A year and half later, I became a vegetarian [mostly to fit in at the head shop I was working at] and lost 30 lbs. It wasn't healthy, tho. I was living off of diet coke and cigarettes [and the occasional Midnight MilkyWay]
• A year after that I found Jesus [or he found me] and began to work on some of my unhealthy habits. That same year, one of my worst nightmares became a reality. As a result, I added 25 lbs back on to my petite frame.
• In 2006 I moved to Maryland. It was an exciting, tumultuous time. I lost 1o lbs in the months leading up to the move. Toward the end of August, Jermaine and I broke up for a time and I went on the "break-up" diet [not eating because I was so depressed] and lost another 10 lbs. By November we were an item again. I was happy and as a result I gained 15 lbs over winter break. That was an embarrassing spring semester. Around that time I began to formulate the Ready. Set. Skinny. program and that pretty much leads us up to today.

Of course, although I knew this was sort of a pattern, this is probably the first time I've ever fleshed it out[with bullet points and stuff]. It all started this past weekend. I got to attend a leadership retreat at my church. It was quite fantastic, and would seemingly have nothing to do with the subject of weight loss. But you must understand, I think about this ALL the time. I'd even begun to wonder if I had a disorder of some kind because my behavior seemed to border on obsession.

It was near the end of the second day. We had just finished a section on leadership and vision and were asked to spend some time on our own reflecting about what we'd learned and discovered. I was itching to get out. I felt an acute desire to be alone with God but I wasn't really thinking about leadership. I was thinking about this weight thing. I had a sense that God was about to reveal something to me.

Our church is set on 63 acres of beautiful land and there is an amazing prayer walk meandering through the forest on the property. I set out and as I walked I poured out my heart to God.

'There seems to be some kind of disconnect,' I exclaimed to the Lord. I want to eat right and exercise but, my desire to eat yummy fattening foods and sit on my butt seems win out quite frequently. I knew I needed to reevaluate my priorities, my past and present failures and accomplishments and my motives for wanting to lose the weight.

For the past several days I have been more and more aware that my reasons for losing weight suck. My high school reunion is in 3 months and I have been saying that I want to get back in shape to look good for it. In the same breath I would acknowledge that there is something wrong with that line of thinking but that I didn't care, I needed to prove to myself and my former classmates that I could do it.

I thought, 'If only I didn't have the pressure of the reunion.' I know that I could kick myself into high gear and lose 20 or 30 lbs. But it seems so futile because I know I'll just balloon right back up again afterward.

We had just talked about vision and I love the Cedar Ridge Vision. So I thought, maybe I need a vision like that for myself and my weight and all the underlying baggage that comes with it. With tears in my eyes I began to spout out my own raw, unedited vision:

Imagine myself daring to dream that I could be really, truly healthy in mind, body and soul. Imagine myself filling up on yummy, healthful foods. Imagine exercising practically day and absolutely loving it. Imagine food and exercise becoming opportunities to love and spend time with God and people. Imagine really feeling good and warm and energetic and getting those feelings from Jesus and people and exercise and not from caffeine or sugar. Imagine not obsessing over my bathroom scale. Imagine feeling comfortable in my own skin. Imagine becoming an aerobics instructor and being qualified and excited to teach others these wonderful things that God is teaching me. Imagine helping other people dare to dream this dream for themselves.

It's not completely, er, complete. But the magic of the Backspace Button has allowed me to make it sound much more polished than it did yesterday in the woods.

This all sounds well and good, but the next thing I thought was, 'how do I get there?' I'm pretty good at dreaming the dreams. I'm slightly lacking in the figuring out the logistics part. And, honestly, those words amount to hogwash if I don't figure that part out.

So I asked God to help me to connect the disconnect. I sat down on a log and prayed for the wisdom to work this stuff out. And then it hit me. Or, well, maybe he hit me. I was being incredibly superficial. Why is it so important for me to look a certain way for a group of people I haven't seen in 10 years? Sure, it may make feel good about myself for a day. But, it may make some people feel bad about themselves that same day. And it may even make some people feel bad about me that day. So, what is the point, really? Am I really not that far removed from high school?

More tears filled my eyes as I realized [rather melodramatically] that I was going to have to let this go. I was going to have to accept where I stood on this journey and be okay with wherever I stand come June. This means maybe I'll weigh the same. Maybe I'll lose 20 lbs. I need to work on being okay either way.

It was exhilarating. The best thing I know to compare it to is the way I felt when I gave my life to Jesus. But I don't want to sound sacrilegious. I love to see being a follower of Jesus as being on a quest. And that's what this feels like. There are differences, of course [the endings vary quite a bit]. And my Christian quest encompasses every part my life whereas this essentially could be considered a smaller adventure on the big picture map.

I haven't mentioned the guilt/shame element yet. And I think, in some ways that is the most beautiful part. And the one that has left me feeling so wonderful.

Guilt is something I am very familiar with. In fact, God is teaching me in other areas of my life that I have this strange tendency to make all these rules and regulations for myself, and to set a strict schedule in my day to day life. The comedic irony is that I'm not a very disciplined person [well, I think it's funny]. I'm constructing all these laws and at the same time proclaiming that I hate legalism. This breeds within me a ridiculous amount of guilt. I never feel that I can measure up to the high expectations that I make for myself.

My friend Priscilla suggested the other day that perhaps I was getting some sort of pay off from the guilt. Maybe it somehow fueled the vicious cycle. IE: I make rules. I fail. I feel guilty. I give up. I indulge some more.

I don't know if that's exactly what she meant and I don't want to misrepresent her, but I think she's on to something. The same kind of thing has been happening over and over in this weight loss quest.

Now, I usually start out every weight loss venture with some good old fashioned gluttony. Think cheesecake and ice cream and candy, oh my! I don't want to do that anymore. This journey [that in many ways I have been preparing for for years] began yesterday on that log. And I am free to eat whatever I want. I am free to exercise whenever I want.

And I have surrendered this entire thing to God. It's all his. I pray that he uses me help others as an aerobics instructor [and thus, we come full circle and see that, by golly, this does have something to do with leadership]. I am so excited. I freaking love adventures.

Road trip!

Thank you for reading my blog. ;)

PS. I just wanted to add this: I'm thinking this is probably a bit old hat for some people. I've been hearing and reading things of this sort since I first subscribed to Womens' Health magazine two years ago. But it never really sunk in. So for me - it's brand spanking new [and pretty darn spectacular].

Untitled.

[The guy on the far right is Jermaine's cousin, and our new roomie. He's super fly.]

I wasn't planning on writing. I was planning on doing my homework, watching another crime show and trying to remember to wash my face and put the dishes in the dishwasher before I fell asleep.

But then, I had to go to the computer to email a professor, and, one thing led to another - the next thing I know . . . blog-be-done!

So here I am, cheating on my bed with my computer. This should be an interesting blog.

What's on my mind these days? Hmm, well, school just started. I'm trying not to fail. That's been fun.

I met this girl yesterday. I hope she doesn't mind making a cameo in my blog. She's a Christian sociology major passionate about fighting human trafficking. I felt like I was talking to myself! I wasn't, bytheway. We have three classes together, which is nice for a couple of reasons. First, I'm not used to having a comrade in the class, it's rather nice. Second, practically speaking, if one of us misses a class, the other has the notes.

In other news, I finally started writing a real live article! Who the heck knows if it's publishable but I'm doing it anyway. I have this long list topics that I would like to write about [everything from whether it's okay for Sadie's daddy to decide if she calls Jermaine "dad" to Fixed Hour Prayer to a book review on A Generous Orthodoxy [by Brian McClaren] or Ending Slavery [by Kevin Bales]. Things I would like to carry on about. I finally got around to delving into one [ooh, I should mention that the one I did decide to carry on about is not mentioned above].

I really like the word "delve". You probably knew that.

I'll keep you updated. If this blog is stained with tears in a couple of weeks you'll know I've submitted it to a publication and subsequently turned myself into a reject.

What else? What else? Ooh, there is some news in regards to the human trafficking front. The Cameo Girl and I spoke briefly about starting up some sort of group/club on campus. She's all about making prayer a big part of it. I can't deny how much of a God Thing this is. I've known about this call to help the slaves of the world for some time. And in the past couple months, God has been bombarding me with messages about the importance of prayer. CG [who, of course, has a real name although it's generally good to ask before throwing someone's name in some crazy blog] brought these two concepts together for me in a big way.

Cost of UMD education for an "out of state" student [don't get me started]: $$$$
Cost of meeting a kindred spirit and scaring her away by going on and on about her in your personal blog: Priceless

Good times.

Sadie and I have been reading The Tale of Despereaux chapter by chapter every night before bedtime. I personally believe that it should be entitled The Tail of Despereaux. But I'm just a crazy wordplay fool.

Oh! Goodness. I almost forgot the big news. Er, well, it's big to me. It might just be egg-sized to you - we moved!

It's really a very touching story. Full of deceit and coming clean and God goodness. I'm learning that my natural self is really quite deceitful. I have to work hard to be honest. Lying comes oh-so easily.

I'll give you the short version [to spare you [and me a little bit]. We found an apartment and were supposed to move in last month. But we had to lie on the application to get the place. Jermaine's cousin was going to be living with us and we didn't put him on the lease. Plus, we lied about our puppy. Worst of all, Sadie caught me in both of those lies while we were in the leasing office. She politely but firmly demanded an explanation.

This all went down in December. Because that time of year is so busy I was able to push it to the back of my mind. It didn't feel quite right, but I chalked [sp?] it up to the nervousness of moving and the stress from the holidays.

But then, enter the prayer room. And God was like up in my face saying, "This is wrong and you know it." Youch.

I remember talking it over with a close friend of mine. I said, "I'm scared to back out of the lease. We would only have a month to find a new place. But I can't help but think, you know, what if God has something way better planned for us but if we go ahead with this and move into that lie we'll never know about it?"

So, I'm like prophetic, or something. Or God is amazingly wonderful.

Probably the latter.

Because that's exactly what happened. And it happened so fast. Not one week after backing out of the first lease did we sign for the new place. And it is wonderful. It has a washer and a dryer. It has a thermostat [I won't get into what the old place had - but it wasn't pretty]. It has a little sprayer hose thing on the kitchen sink [novel for sure but sweet nonetheless]. And we got cable. Which, you know, may induce nothing but guilt for me as I ponder how many hours I will spend and have spent watching CSI: NY, but still, enjoyable nonetheless. And, I didn't know the new Real World had eight housemates. That's monumental.

Now, I generally don't cling to the belief that more stuff equals Good [I loathe the prosperity gospel]. And I don't think that this kind of living is the end all be all of the plans the Lord has for our lives. But I feel God's blessing on us. And I'm grateful. Even if it's just for a moment in time.

Ugh. This blog has become so long. And I have more to say!

But I can't do it. For my sake and for yours. Thank you for letting me share.

I am so not doing the dishes tonight . . .

Learning Stuff

Hi.

I haven't been very productive today. Since this is sort of a Sabbath week of reflection and prayer, by "productive" I mean that I barely cracked a book and although I did make it into the prayer room, I fell asleep thirty minutes in. I wonder if there is such a thing as "sleeping in the spirit."

I did play Pretty Pretty Princess with Sadie, though and I helped her practice the play she's performing tomorrow [Goldilocks and the Three Bears [She's Mama Bear [which, I think, is very fitting]]]. I don't suppose it gets much more productive than that.

Just now, I was pleasantly surprised by a sudden surge of bloggerific motivation. That is all fine and good. But sadly my husband just arrived and is now forced to play Rock Band all by his lonesome whilst I get this stuff out of my head.

What have I done today? I'm embarrassed. Food and Facebook. I started a weight loss group.

Yes, that's right folks, I'm at it again. I have to be. I'm quite unhappy with the weight I've allowed myself to put on since I got married. I always swore I would never be one of those wives's [sp? wives'? wive's? wife's?] who let herself go. I don't feel good about my body. So I'm doing something about it [this may have also been inspired by the fact the my 10 year reunion is in like 5 months [wow, I feel so old]].

There are 5 members in the group so far. (: I'm quite giddy about it.

Alright, back to the prayerful essentials. I was pondering earlier today that I may have learned some things from this week. I thought it would be fun to make an impromptu list and see what comes up [I realize that this may not necessarily fit your definition of fun - I'm a bit of a nerd [but I'm okay with that]].

Here goes nothing.

This week I have learned:

• Sleeping on thincarpet-covered concrete is not as bad as one would think if you're laying beside the man you love
• Less is more [when it comes to decorating the prayer room] and if I follow that principle in my own home there may be hope for my chaos yet
• I am blessed with a daughter and a husband that don't complain at all when it comes to sleeping on concrete [sadly, the same cannot be said for their mom/wife]

• I love it when people cry [after they leave the prayer room [I'm not a brute [can you use the term "brute" to describe a woman?]]]
• Praying for an hour a day [at least in this context] is wonderfully easy to do
• I eat too much when I'm by myself and have a lot of time on my hands [ahem, well, I suppose I already knew that]
• I am capable of keeping someplace [in this case, the church] fairly clean from day to day [of course, my to-do list is extremely minimal]
• Stouffer's lasagna takes 2 1/2 bloody hours to cook
• People are much more accepting of a dog living at a church for a week than one might think
• I love to pray while Jermaine plays guitar
• I need to learn balance [especially when it comes to money and food]
• This week I experienced God making a specific crooked path I was meandering on straight [and it felt so good]
• What's been on my heart [like the fact that I would really like to experience pure joy from God [and though I think I might have before I can't recall it clearly]]
• Sometimes it's just really good to forget about your to-do list and sit and talk with your Creator
• People that I thought would be all over this haven't been and those whom I never would have guessed are diving in and finding God
• I need to pray more about the little things, like my desire to write [and be published], Jermaine and his band, Sadie, and all the other day to day stuff [I put in on my do to list and stress out about it but never actually get around to talking to God]
• Our galaxy is ridiculously huge [at 35,000 miles per hour it would take us 10,000 years to reach the end of it] and it's one of many!
• That last bit of information doesn't make me feel as small as I believe it should
  

Surprise, surprise [for me anyway]. That is all for now. Have a grand old evening.