Epiphany Part Two

Hello again! Where were we?

Oh, yes! So, my mom was saying all this - how Jermaine's eyes light up when he talks about his music. I was moved by how moved she was. My mind just started spinning (in the good way - not in the way that you regret in the morning).

My train of thought ran something like this:

This is what he's meant to do. I just feel it. Huh. Isn't it odd how (for the first time in my adult life) we have enough money to live (if only for a period of time)? It's not a forever thing for sure - but what source of income is? Maybe, just maybe . . . he could take a break from the job searching. I could take a break from stressing over the job searching. And he could just fully concentrate on his music. For a moment in time, at least. Wouldn't that be incredible?

I felt it so strongly. I sensed it was the right thing even though it sounded kind of crazy. On the way home from Charlotte, I brought it up with Jermaine. He was excited - I mean, what's not to like, right? Fully concentrating on music and a non-stressed out wife. Definitely a Win/Win.

I had another epiphany around the same time. I realized just how strongly I feel God's presence when I dance. Helped to explain why I tear up during dance aerobics. It doesn't really have anything to do with this particular blog, but I like sharing it.

Anyways, getting back to the epiphany at hand - that's what we decided to do. He got to be music minded and we both got to be peace of minded.

We worked out the following plan - after Easter, if nothing had happened musically, he would resume the job hunting grind.

And so Easter came. Coincidentally, we traveled south again. On our way back from Charlotte, we had a different conversation.

Hmm. This is where it gets a bit complicated. I'm trying to figure out the best way to explain all the random thoughts I had. I guess you could say I've been having mini-epiphanies since Easter (although I don't think Jermaine would word it that way). But they were all weird and they conflicted with each other. Truly, I feel like nothing made sense until today.

On the trip back we talked about starting up the job hunt again. We would both have to - because I'm graduating soon and it's almost job-time for me as well. We discussed what it would look like - because he and I are very different kinds of people. And part of the stress before had to do with our conflicting natures.

Piano lessons came up. He could potentially make enough money to sustain our family teaching piano lessons alone. If only he had a keyboard. And honestly, it's a sad state of affairs that he hasn't owned his own keyboard in so long. This music, it's like part of him.

Soo, we bought one! And it's awesome - there's a picture of it in Part One of this blog.

So that's that, and it's good. But we keep wavering - should we pursue this music school/piano lessons idea? Should he finish college (he only has a year of undergrad left and it would really boost the whole job searching thing!)? Where does producing come into play?

Jermaine is . . . different from a lot of guys I know. And I love that. That's a huge part of why I married him.

And, I mean, also, I'm different from a lot of girls I know. Maybe that's why he married me.

This whole, "the man is the provider" idea. It doesn't really work so well for us. I'm the crazy ambitious one. He's got mad talent, but doesn't fair well in the multi-tasking department. It's the way God made him.

And you know me, I'm Ms. Feminist. Somewhere along the way, since Easter, I got to thinking . . . maybe I'm supposed to be the provider.

And that's where PAWS comes in.

I have these passions I want to pursue - creative endeavors I feel I was made to do. I'm such a dork that I made up an acronym.

I'm a

Poet

Actress

Writer

Speaker.

Social justice, human rights and gender stuff - those are my messages.

PAWS is my medium. And pastoring (I think) is the glue that holds it all together.

So, for the past couple of weeks I've been plotting. Planning. Trying to figure out what I needed to do to make these dreams a reality.

Back to the car ride home. Jermaine and I decided we'd both pursue our dreams passionately and vibrantly. But, until we found ourselves gainfully employed doing what we loved, we'd have to be willing to take on some jobs that maybe suck.

I know. It sounds like a no-brainer, right? Ridiculous, even, that we'd have to flesh it out like this.

I could give you a bunch of reasons as to why we did. But they're not essential. And if you know us at all, you probably already know them. Point is, we did need to flesh them out. So we did. And it made a world of difference.

Eek. But, this is where it gets a bit wonky. Last night, as I was praying (and seemingly out of nowhere), I got this supreme urge to pray this crazy prayer:

That God would provide Jermaine with a job doing something he absolutely loved (probably in the realm of music or graphic design) - and that he would make enough money for us to live - and then I could pursue my passions without needing to make any money to add to the family income.

It felt beautiful and good and right. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed - and wanting to steal away to pray/flesh out this nonsensical prayer.

I finally managed to get away (this afternoon - after I wrote the first blog) - I put on Robots for Sadie and Alex and I went into our bedroom and starting folding the huge mound of laundry that both Jermaine and I had been "about to get to" for the past several weeks. As I folded, I talked it out with God.

I listened to this sermon yesterday. I don't feel like getting into the whole thing (it really made me think tho - if you want to listen to it, you can find it here. It's called "Stay Thirsty"). I'll just say it left me with the a deep desire to really investigate what I long for. Like, at the root of all my good and bad desires, what is it I truly crave?

I traveled all the way back to high school. My deepest desires from then until now. What has changed, what hasn't?

Recognition, love, affirmation - these are my deepest ones, I think. My strategies have varied considerably, but the base desires have not.

I think God made us to pursue our passions. I think they are a part of a larger plan. And I think he wires us with these desires and unique ways of pursuing them - so that we might passionately seek him and other people, whom he loves deeply.

I was lost in thought, thinking these beautiful things, when I remembered that, only weeks ago I had come to the conclusion that perhaps Jermaine wasn't supposed to be the breadwinner here.

Well, I thought, what am I supposed to do with that?

Ha, I don't know, exactly. I feel that he has been called to pursue music. I think I've been called to pursue this odd combination of writing and performing.

I also know that he's very good at living in the moment. And I am not.

During my laundry prayer today, I realized that if my family died, I would have a lot of regrets. I would desperately wish I had spent more time with them. Perhaps that is the true epiphany.

I think I am called to pray this prayer - that God will grant Jermaine a Walker-sustaining career - because although I am called to pursue my own career, I am also called to experience deep joy and peace with my family. I have been concerned with money for I-don't-know-how-long. I think this prayer is really about letting that go.

I think. Eek.

Will you pray for us?

Epiphany Part One

I always have these thoughts (I call them epiphanies but Jermaine says that's too strong a term). They're mostly insightful things, stuff I feel God leading me to.

I get them and I think, 'I'm definitely not sharing this one with anyone.' It feels hokey to talk about them. I'm always saying stuff like, "I think it's a God Thing" or "I feel God leading me toward such and such". It sounds unfathomable. But I do feel it, and I don't know how else to describe it.

And just last night, I had another one. I used to feel compelled to share right away - usually with Jermaine. And let's just say he didn't always share my enthusiasm. It's gotten better. Now, I can sometimes hold off telling people for a whole day.

I had no intention of blogging this - up until I started typing. Let me see . . . where should I start?

I was just rereading some of my old blogs and it occurred to me that I haven't really spoken a lot about what's been going on in my life. I mean, I've written a lot about the stuff I'm doing, but not the emotional backdrop. And I find that odd because it's been such a big deal to me. Hmm, I guess I'll have to back up a bit.

Here's the basic story I find myself in:

Last year - 2009 - was difficult (to say the least). Jermaine got laid off and I didn't take it so well. I was majorly depressed. And I didn't realize it right away. It wasn't until I took on 19 credit hours that it hit me that something was not right. And at that point, there was nothing I could do but flail and work relentlessly to keep up with my horrendous schedule. On top of that, we were dealing with some colossal money problems and as the year came to an end, it dawned on us that our lease was about to be up and we were stuck - we couldn't afford to stay and we couldn't afford to rent another place (unemployment is not considered income and you must have an income to rent).

Around that time I started the whole 31 days of Spiritual Disciplines. It was a God-sent in many ways. Also, some very new friends from our church approached us and asked if we wanted to come live in their house with them. It was such an unexpected miracle!

And, of course, (finally!) the Semester from Hell ended, and I could breathe again. Our money issues had subsided in some ways and, although Jermaine still had not had any luck finding work, I was starting to feel more at peace.

And then, we went to Charlotte for Christmas vacation. An odd series of events led me to an odd series of epiphanies. My friend, Amie, Jermaine, my mom and I all went out for coffee and while we sipped Jermaine explained to Amie what it was he was trying to do musically.

It's hard to flesh out, and I feel I never tell it right, but I'll try anyhow. Basically, he and this guy (his friend, and company partner), Mika, have been working on producing amazing quality music since about 2004. They have evolved over time and they are both incredibly talented. They need artists, and until recently they have not had much luck in that department. But, in the past 6 months or so, they started working with a singer/song-writer (whom they've worked with in the past) - a woman who most definitely matches them talent-wise. They had a song, and I thought it was amazing. But they're all ridiculous perfectionists and so they're entirely reworking it. They're also working on some other stuff - a website, getting radio play, etc. And things are starting to really come together. They're not looking for super-stardom - they just want to be able to make a living doing what they love. And Jermaine believes that God is going to use them in amazing ways. I think so, too.

Like I said, he's telling Amie all this, and afterward, after Amie has left, my mom exclaims how moved she was, listening to him, the way his eyes lit up. This is about the time that I had one of my epiphanies.

Ahhh, but this blog is getting too long. And, I'm sure you have other things to do. So, I'll end on a suspenseful note and finish it later. ;)

(honey nut) Cheerio!