Future Present Past (er, one crazy long blog)

SO.

I have been meaning to write a blog updating anyone who is interested about the crazy going ons of our little life. Also, since I wrote my Bucket List, 2005 Edition, I have been wanting to write the revised version. AND, then last night, while reviewing an old journal, I was inspired to share some of my poetry (er, or "rap" as I fondly referred to it back then).

I have been toying with the idea of writing 3 different blogs. But really, that just seems silly. I am going to attempt to condense and compartmentalize so you can read everything that is on my mind in this one little blog.

You're in for a wild ride. ;)

First off, the Bucket List!

My friend Andrea (who turns 29 TODAY) is always talking about her before 30 list. I've decided to take a page out of her book and make one of those too.

Before I Turn 30, I would like to:

• have a savings account with more than $25 in it
• make a habit out of taking Sadie to the park
• go on a friend-cation with my family and our friends, the Frosts, back to St. Simons Island
• start teaching fitness classes
• write a letter to Jermaine everyday that he is in boot camp
• start really working on PAWS
• get published (or try my darnedest)
• finish reading and blogging through the Bible

And now, without further ado, my Official Bucket List:

• write Emergency - a sort of autobiographicalish book on being a young single mom, feminism, faith and fighting
• write a fantasy fiction series of books
• learn to speak, read and write fluently in another language
• learn to relate to people not in terms of how much they like or love me, but rather how I can generously love them
• become the kind of daughter who calls her mom every day
• become more involved with Sadie's education - even if I can't homeschool, teach her the things I long to teach her, complementing what she is learning in school
• learn to skateboard with Sadie
• learn to surf (with Sadie?)
• go snowboarding with Sadie every winter that we can swing it
• pursue PAWS passionately - and truly attempt to make a living doing those things that I feel are a part of my purpose
• stay involved in the fight to end human trafficking for the rest of my life - and listen well for how God wants to use me
• really listen when people are talking, especially Jermaine
• learn from my husband - how to play tennis, the logistics of football, how to play the piano and how to love people
• learn to sew
• go to seminary
• become a mentor for young single moms and/or young women who are choosing paths similar to the one I chose

That was healing, writing that. It helps me, I think, to write down what I desire. At the heart of it all, I believe my goals have to do with becoming a better person - a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend and a better follower of Jesus. If I could add anything to the list, it would be to appreciate who I am now, and who I used to be. Which is kind of fitting considering the three parts of this blog. This part could be called Future. The update is, of course, Present. And the writings are Past. 

Huh. Couldn't have planned it better. 

Okay, let's do Present.

Military Madness

So, as you know, a couple of weeks ago we lost Jermaine's unemployment insurance. It was like losing a job all over again. And I proved once more that I do not handle crises well. I stormed, I cried, I freaked and waled. When I was done with that, I may have said prayer or two. But mostly, I was just a hot mess trying my damnedest not to be a hot mess and failing miserably. 

Eventually I pulled myself somewhat together and we ventured over to Jermaine's parents house seeking comfort and advice. It was during this visit that a dialog about joining the military began to surface. All of us, Jermaine, his mum and dad, and I felt a peculiar feeling of electrical excitement - this could be an answer to a lot of prayers - not to mention one wild ride for our family.

In that conversation, we talked about sacrifice too. I am overwhelmed by Jermaine's willing sacrifice for our family. And I am humbled by the sacrifices that were made by my in-laws when they made a similar decision to become a military family 25 years ago. I will miss Jermaine deeply during the times in the future that the military will inevitably call him away from me and Sadie. But I am excited for him and his new adventure. I respect him and look up to him more than words can adequately describe. The U.S. Army will be blessed to have him. 

As For Me

I scored a gig as a fitness instructor at a health club in McLean, VA, and another job as a server at Food Wine & Company! Also, I registered for fall classes at Wesley - so I am officially a seminary student, too! 

AND - I'm still going to India!! I will absolutely wait for another blog to share the details of this old/new development. The trip won't be until 2011, so there is plenty of time for that. But, as I still have money to raise, I will most definitely still be taking donations. Feel free to bombard me with any questions you may have regarding my future trip. :)

Sadie, too

I miss her dearly. She is visiting her father for the month. And I think that she is having the time of her life. At the end of August, she will begin 3rd grade!!! I keep asking myself, how can that be?? Craziness.

July is always one of the most difficult months for me. Five years ago (almost to the day) my world was knocked upside down and my spirit was all but broken. With everything that has been going on (military, unemployment, India, seminary, job stuff), I hadn't really stopped to ponder the past and the anniversary of the horrible. But I felt it. And it affected me, without my awareness that it was doing so. It was that state of mind that prompted me to wander back into my journals last night. Of course, this brings us to . . .

. . . The Past

And here I will share some of the silly, heartfelt, awful, wonderful rhymes and musings from 2005.

It is terrible to speak well and be wrong.  - Sophocles

look i've changed / not the same dame you knew from back in the day / i rearranged my crew and i like it that way / a whole new set of faces / a whole new set of places / no more head cases

he makes me sick / can't stomach it / he fumbled it / i stumbled in / recoverin' / can't begin / to comprehend / this state i'm in / can you recommend / counseling?

pain in her eyes / we call ourselves civilized / but aren't surprised / as we watch the masses die / cries from the street / calling out to me

you make me so happy / you make my soul happy

There are no ordinary people . . . it is immortals whom we joke with, work, marry, snub and exploit. - C.S. Lewis

she's not yours / she's not mine / she's His! / don't you see this?

PIGEON-HOLED IN

PIGEON HOLDIN' - in Jermaine Walker's handwriting

today's court date / tomorrow's fate / i'm late / and i can't wait / just give it to me straight

this brings out so many feelings / that i don't want to deal with / my mind is reeling / staring at the ceiling

it took so long to smile after i found out / just want to drowned out all the negativity / sound out everything he did to me / get it all out / hit the wall, shout / talk about it all now / but never say a word / i can't believe what i heard

i don't drink anymore / at least not like i did before / for one thing, i'm poor

where do gangsters go when they die? 

is their paradise in the sky?

or do they retell all the lies

that they retold all their life?

mommy, where did daddy go last night?

we fought the purple people

said they reminded us of grapes

they made us uncomfortable

so we made them our slaves

eventually we realized

we'd made a huge mistake

but, by then, as you can guess,

it was just too late

centuries of hatred

can't just be erased

have we ever stopped to think

what healing is gonna take?

somethings gotta give / but i gotta live / gotta stay positive / keep on top of things / flapping these broken wings / my eye on openings / God, i gave me to You / You made me new / you made me do / things i didn't know i could do / but i'm so tired / so wired / i just want to buy my own food / and put gas in my car / AND i wanna be a star / and still know who You are / so i pray for strength / and a filled up tank

99 was the year i found Eminem. I felt I could relate to him so much that I went out and got a tattoo that said "Kim".

my name literally means "sweet after-dinner drink" / that was my pick up line for like 3 years, I think

i've been there, done that / i will share my come back / so listen up, relax / react / or screw up, relapse

do you promise to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God? i do. so help me God!

He wants us to move rhythmically / not all but one beat

Lord God, i'm on my knees now / gotta speak loud / seek out what you have in store for me now

temptation got the best of me / the rest of me gave up willingly / signaled defeat / fell to my knees / Lord please! / free me - i wanna be free!

the end of an era

truth never clearer

inspect the mirror

wide eyes, no terror

mundanity / insanity / maybe i'm not cut out for this / is this what my passion is?

Thank you for reading! Apparently, this was me at 23 and/or 24. ;)

Confessions from an Ambitious Mom

I have all this weirdness swirling around in my head. I wanted to share my thoughts with people and receive some feedback. And so, enter blog.

I just graduated. I just graduated! Wow. That's a blog in itself (but one for another time).

I'm trying to focus on two things this summer. First, I'd like to score my dream job or something in the ballpark. And second, I need to raise enough money to cover my India expenses. The first one has my attention at the moment, and so that's sort of the bigger picture focus for this blog. The second one is looming eerily in the background of my mind, but I'll worry about that later.

Can I just say I love to job hunt? I've been researching Guerilla Job Searching. I love the idea - using innovation and creativity and taking risks - it feels overwhelming and scary and so right. I'm sure I'll blog about that later, too. But, that's not really the focus of this one.

So, the twelve dollar question, what is this blog about?

I've been feeling conflicted lately. A LOT of my friends are stay-at-home moms. Some of them even home-school. I have a couple of friends who used to work, or are working now, but have decided to quit their jobs to be at home with their kids.

That's never really been an option for me. If you read my last blog then you know that I've been praying for Jermaine to find a killer career so I could do something similar. Similar, but not exactly the same. If I'm honest with myself I have to admit that even if it was possible for me to stay at home, I probably wouldn't. It's not that I don't want to devote my life to Sadie and our future children, I do - and I hope when they reach adulthood they'll know that.

But, I'm so ambitious. I want to work. And I want that work to yield monetary dividends. I have all of this creativity and passion bubbling up inside of me. I would venture that most moms do. But I don't want to focus all of it on Sadie. Sure, I want to bring her along for the ride. And I pray that my passions help shape her character and enable us to bond. But, a lot of what I aspire to has nothing directly to do with her.

I think that's the heart of this blog - that my work doesn't include her - and that, for the most part, I'm okay with that. It makes me wonder, tho - it encourages the little voice inside my head that is constantly probing - is there something wrong with me?

It's the age old mommy question. And I'm a sociology major - I've studied this exact phenomenon - I should know better. But life so much more complicated than it seems when you're studying it.

There are mommies I look up to - ambitious ones just like me. Phyllis Tickle, Katharine Weymouth, and Keri Wyatt Kent all come to mind.

I think, oddly tho, most of the people I look up to and aspire to emulate are dads - Rob Bell, Bob Goff, Eminem, Cameron Strang, Don Miller (although, he's not technically a dad), and Gary Haugen.

And I when I flip through the executive pages of the companies I want to work for - Relevant, IJM, Mars Hill, Restore International - I see all these men and I think, wow, we need to do something about this! We need more women to participate in running the show (kudos to Polaris Project, a notable exception) . And I think (I think) that's what I'm supposed to do. I think God has made me aware of this and is inviting me to work toward leadership in some capacity - whether now or in the future. All of my desires and endeavors are leadership related. And I feel thrilled, honored, and excited by my calling.

But, where does that leave Sadie? And how do I deal with the guilt - that little voice that insists I don't measure up as a mother? How do I find balance. And why does this seemingly unachievable balance seem to come so easy for fathers?

Epiphany Part Two

Hello again! Where were we?

Oh, yes! So, my mom was saying all this - how Jermaine's eyes light up when he talks about his music. I was moved by how moved she was. My mind just started spinning (in the good way - not in the way that you regret in the morning).

My train of thought ran something like this:

This is what he's meant to do. I just feel it. Huh. Isn't it odd how (for the first time in my adult life) we have enough money to live (if only for a period of time)? It's not a forever thing for sure - but what source of income is? Maybe, just maybe . . . he could take a break from the job searching. I could take a break from stressing over the job searching. And he could just fully concentrate on his music. For a moment in time, at least. Wouldn't that be incredible?

I felt it so strongly. I sensed it was the right thing even though it sounded kind of crazy. On the way home from Charlotte, I brought it up with Jermaine. He was excited - I mean, what's not to like, right? Fully concentrating on music and a non-stressed out wife. Definitely a Win/Win.

I had another epiphany around the same time. I realized just how strongly I feel God's presence when I dance. Helped to explain why I tear up during dance aerobics. It doesn't really have anything to do with this particular blog, but I like sharing it.

Anyways, getting back to the epiphany at hand - that's what we decided to do. He got to be music minded and we both got to be peace of minded.

We worked out the following plan - after Easter, if nothing had happened musically, he would resume the job hunting grind.

And so Easter came. Coincidentally, we traveled south again. On our way back from Charlotte, we had a different conversation.

Hmm. This is where it gets a bit complicated. I'm trying to figure out the best way to explain all the random thoughts I had. I guess you could say I've been having mini-epiphanies since Easter (although I don't think Jermaine would word it that way). But they were all weird and they conflicted with each other. Truly, I feel like nothing made sense until today.

On the trip back we talked about starting up the job hunt again. We would both have to - because I'm graduating soon and it's almost job-time for me as well. We discussed what it would look like - because he and I are very different kinds of people. And part of the stress before had to do with our conflicting natures.

Piano lessons came up. He could potentially make enough money to sustain our family teaching piano lessons alone. If only he had a keyboard. And honestly, it's a sad state of affairs that he hasn't owned his own keyboard in so long. This music, it's like part of him.

Soo, we bought one! And it's awesome - there's a picture of it in Part One of this blog.

So that's that, and it's good. But we keep wavering - should we pursue this music school/piano lessons idea? Should he finish college (he only has a year of undergrad left and it would really boost the whole job searching thing!)? Where does producing come into play?

Jermaine is . . . different from a lot of guys I know. And I love that. That's a huge part of why I married him.

And, I mean, also, I'm different from a lot of girls I know. Maybe that's why he married me.

This whole, "the man is the provider" idea. It doesn't really work so well for us. I'm the crazy ambitious one. He's got mad talent, but doesn't fair well in the multi-tasking department. It's the way God made him.

And you know me, I'm Ms. Feminist. Somewhere along the way, since Easter, I got to thinking . . . maybe I'm supposed to be the provider.

And that's where PAWS comes in.

I have these passions I want to pursue - creative endeavors I feel I was made to do. I'm such a dork that I made up an acronym.

I'm a

Poet

Actress

Writer

Speaker.

Social justice, human rights and gender stuff - those are my messages.

PAWS is my medium. And pastoring (I think) is the glue that holds it all together.

So, for the past couple of weeks I've been plotting. Planning. Trying to figure out what I needed to do to make these dreams a reality.

Back to the car ride home. Jermaine and I decided we'd both pursue our dreams passionately and vibrantly. But, until we found ourselves gainfully employed doing what we loved, we'd have to be willing to take on some jobs that maybe suck.

I know. It sounds like a no-brainer, right? Ridiculous, even, that we'd have to flesh it out like this.

I could give you a bunch of reasons as to why we did. But they're not essential. And if you know us at all, you probably already know them. Point is, we did need to flesh them out. So we did. And it made a world of difference.

Eek. But, this is where it gets a bit wonky. Last night, as I was praying (and seemingly out of nowhere), I got this supreme urge to pray this crazy prayer:

That God would provide Jermaine with a job doing something he absolutely loved (probably in the realm of music or graphic design) - and that he would make enough money for us to live - and then I could pursue my passions without needing to make any money to add to the family income.

It felt beautiful and good and right. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed - and wanting to steal away to pray/flesh out this nonsensical prayer.

I finally managed to get away (this afternoon - after I wrote the first blog) - I put on Robots for Sadie and Alex and I went into our bedroom and starting folding the huge mound of laundry that both Jermaine and I had been "about to get to" for the past several weeks. As I folded, I talked it out with God.

I listened to this sermon yesterday. I don't feel like getting into the whole thing (it really made me think tho - if you want to listen to it, you can find it here. It's called "Stay Thirsty"). I'll just say it left me with the a deep desire to really investigate what I long for. Like, at the root of all my good and bad desires, what is it I truly crave?

I traveled all the way back to high school. My deepest desires from then until now. What has changed, what hasn't?

Recognition, love, affirmation - these are my deepest ones, I think. My strategies have varied considerably, but the base desires have not.

I think God made us to pursue our passions. I think they are a part of a larger plan. And I think he wires us with these desires and unique ways of pursuing them - so that we might passionately seek him and other people, whom he loves deeply.

I was lost in thought, thinking these beautiful things, when I remembered that, only weeks ago I had come to the conclusion that perhaps Jermaine wasn't supposed to be the breadwinner here.

Well, I thought, what am I supposed to do with that?

Ha, I don't know, exactly. I feel that he has been called to pursue music. I think I've been called to pursue this odd combination of writing and performing.

I also know that he's very good at living in the moment. And I am not.

During my laundry prayer today, I realized that if my family died, I would have a lot of regrets. I would desperately wish I had spent more time with them. Perhaps that is the true epiphany.

I think I am called to pray this prayer - that God will grant Jermaine a Walker-sustaining career - because although I am called to pursue my own career, I am also called to experience deep joy and peace with my family. I have been concerned with money for I-don't-know-how-long. I think this prayer is really about letting that go.

I think. Eek.

Will you pray for us?