Love Poem

Jermaine and I celebrated our two anniversary by going to Busboys and Poets Open Mic Night in Shirlington, VA tonight. When it was my turn, I surprised him with this poem:




I still remember the day we met

5 years ago

driving down the hot Georgia coast

in James-Michael's Jeep

I was smitten with you almost immediately and I tried very hard

not to let it show

Do you remember our first kiss in Union Station?

Do you remember all those nights you made me laugh so hard I cried? 

Do you remember when you told me that I had cute feet?

Do you remember meeting my daughter - whose now your daughter - in the driveway of my parent's house?

Do you remember walking along the beach. You picked up trash to impress me. And you did.

Do you remember all those long distance phone calls? Talking until dawn about everything and nothing.

Do you remember calling me up to say, "What would you say if I asked you to be my girlfriend?" I think I dropped the phone.

Do you remember me calling you to share that terrible news. You comforted me from 400 miles away while I sobbed into the receiver.

Do you remember our first 4th of July - meeting in the middle of Maryland and North Carolina  in some no name town? We ate the best pizza and shared a picnic by the lake. I wore that skirt you hate.

Do you remember all the trips - me to you and you to me and how eventually we knew we couldn't be that far apart.

Do you remember when I moved to Maryland and got a job selling floor tile just so we could be closer?

Do you remember your mom encouraging me to go back to college?

Do you remember that first semester - you stayed up with me all night to help me write that horrible 15 page paper.

Do you remember when we broke up - because moving here was so damn hard on me - and I took it out on you.

Do you remember falling in love again? The night we became more than friends - again? We vowed this time it would be different. And it was.

Do you remember getting down on one knee? The day you said to me, "What would you say if I asked you to be my wife?" 

Do you remember our wedding? What a fantastic party - realizing the sheer amazingness of our family and friends. Six year old Sadie stood up to make her speech - looked straight at you to share with everyone how she had been practicing loving her new dad.

Do you remember our honeymoon night? How awkward it was? I was so nervous I drank all the champagne.

Do you remember our first year of marriage? Man, that was hard! We moved in together, you became a dad, I started a new school and then you lost your job.

Do you remember how depressed I was?

Do you remember when I finally realized what you have known all along? That it's going to be okay? That truly all we need is love - and we've already got that.

Do you remember? I do. And man am I glad I fell in love with you.

Epiphany Part Two

Hello again! Where were we?

Oh, yes! So, my mom was saying all this - how Jermaine's eyes light up when he talks about his music. I was moved by how moved she was. My mind just started spinning (in the good way - not in the way that you regret in the morning).

My train of thought ran something like this:

This is what he's meant to do. I just feel it. Huh. Isn't it odd how (for the first time in my adult life) we have enough money to live (if only for a period of time)? It's not a forever thing for sure - but what source of income is? Maybe, just maybe . . . he could take a break from the job searching. I could take a break from stressing over the job searching. And he could just fully concentrate on his music. For a moment in time, at least. Wouldn't that be incredible?

I felt it so strongly. I sensed it was the right thing even though it sounded kind of crazy. On the way home from Charlotte, I brought it up with Jermaine. He was excited - I mean, what's not to like, right? Fully concentrating on music and a non-stressed out wife. Definitely a Win/Win.

I had another epiphany around the same time. I realized just how strongly I feel God's presence when I dance. Helped to explain why I tear up during dance aerobics. It doesn't really have anything to do with this particular blog, but I like sharing it.

Anyways, getting back to the epiphany at hand - that's what we decided to do. He got to be music minded and we both got to be peace of minded.

We worked out the following plan - after Easter, if nothing had happened musically, he would resume the job hunting grind.

And so Easter came. Coincidentally, we traveled south again. On our way back from Charlotte, we had a different conversation.

Hmm. This is where it gets a bit complicated. I'm trying to figure out the best way to explain all the random thoughts I had. I guess you could say I've been having mini-epiphanies since Easter (although I don't think Jermaine would word it that way). But they were all weird and they conflicted with each other. Truly, I feel like nothing made sense until today.

On the trip back we talked about starting up the job hunt again. We would both have to - because I'm graduating soon and it's almost job-time for me as well. We discussed what it would look like - because he and I are very different kinds of people. And part of the stress before had to do with our conflicting natures.

Piano lessons came up. He could potentially make enough money to sustain our family teaching piano lessons alone. If only he had a keyboard. And honestly, it's a sad state of affairs that he hasn't owned his own keyboard in so long. This music, it's like part of him.

Soo, we bought one! And it's awesome - there's a picture of it in Part One of this blog.

So that's that, and it's good. But we keep wavering - should we pursue this music school/piano lessons idea? Should he finish college (he only has a year of undergrad left and it would really boost the whole job searching thing!)? Where does producing come into play?

Jermaine is . . . different from a lot of guys I know. And I love that. That's a huge part of why I married him.

And, I mean, also, I'm different from a lot of girls I know. Maybe that's why he married me.

This whole, "the man is the provider" idea. It doesn't really work so well for us. I'm the crazy ambitious one. He's got mad talent, but doesn't fair well in the multi-tasking department. It's the way God made him.

And you know me, I'm Ms. Feminist. Somewhere along the way, since Easter, I got to thinking . . . maybe I'm supposed to be the provider.

And that's where PAWS comes in.

I have these passions I want to pursue - creative endeavors I feel I was made to do. I'm such a dork that I made up an acronym.

I'm a

Poet

Actress

Writer

Speaker.

Social justice, human rights and gender stuff - those are my messages.

PAWS is my medium. And pastoring (I think) is the glue that holds it all together.

So, for the past couple of weeks I've been plotting. Planning. Trying to figure out what I needed to do to make these dreams a reality.

Back to the car ride home. Jermaine and I decided we'd both pursue our dreams passionately and vibrantly. But, until we found ourselves gainfully employed doing what we loved, we'd have to be willing to take on some jobs that maybe suck.

I know. It sounds like a no-brainer, right? Ridiculous, even, that we'd have to flesh it out like this.

I could give you a bunch of reasons as to why we did. But they're not essential. And if you know us at all, you probably already know them. Point is, we did need to flesh them out. So we did. And it made a world of difference.

Eek. But, this is where it gets a bit wonky. Last night, as I was praying (and seemingly out of nowhere), I got this supreme urge to pray this crazy prayer:

That God would provide Jermaine with a job doing something he absolutely loved (probably in the realm of music or graphic design) - and that he would make enough money for us to live - and then I could pursue my passions without needing to make any money to add to the family income.

It felt beautiful and good and right. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed - and wanting to steal away to pray/flesh out this nonsensical prayer.

I finally managed to get away (this afternoon - after I wrote the first blog) - I put on Robots for Sadie and Alex and I went into our bedroom and starting folding the huge mound of laundry that both Jermaine and I had been "about to get to" for the past several weeks. As I folded, I talked it out with God.

I listened to this sermon yesterday. I don't feel like getting into the whole thing (it really made me think tho - if you want to listen to it, you can find it here. It's called "Stay Thirsty"). I'll just say it left me with the a deep desire to really investigate what I long for. Like, at the root of all my good and bad desires, what is it I truly crave?

I traveled all the way back to high school. My deepest desires from then until now. What has changed, what hasn't?

Recognition, love, affirmation - these are my deepest ones, I think. My strategies have varied considerably, but the base desires have not.

I think God made us to pursue our passions. I think they are a part of a larger plan. And I think he wires us with these desires and unique ways of pursuing them - so that we might passionately seek him and other people, whom he loves deeply.

I was lost in thought, thinking these beautiful things, when I remembered that, only weeks ago I had come to the conclusion that perhaps Jermaine wasn't supposed to be the breadwinner here.

Well, I thought, what am I supposed to do with that?

Ha, I don't know, exactly. I feel that he has been called to pursue music. I think I've been called to pursue this odd combination of writing and performing.

I also know that he's very good at living in the moment. And I am not.

During my laundry prayer today, I realized that if my family died, I would have a lot of regrets. I would desperately wish I had spent more time with them. Perhaps that is the true epiphany.

I think I am called to pray this prayer - that God will grant Jermaine a Walker-sustaining career - because although I am called to pursue my own career, I am also called to experience deep joy and peace with my family. I have been concerned with money for I-don't-know-how-long. I think this prayer is really about letting that go.

I think. Eek.

Will you pray for us?

Busboys and Poets

[Editor's Note: This blog is not about that - but since my 10 year high school reunion is just around the corner, there will be blogging on the subject of back in the day very soon [and more pictures to come, too!] and so here is yours truly 10 years ago [almost to the day!] on my way to prom. Yes, those are dragons on my dress and I loved them. Almost as much as I loved the lacy lingerieish piece I picked up at a consignment shop to compliment the dragons. I loved the outfit so much that I wore it to two different proms [in my defense they were in two different states - though that still doesn't account for the fascination with dragons at prom [I won't even begin discussing the necklace I wore as a tiara]. James is my date. He was my boyfriend for most of my senior year [and very nice bloke, he was!]]

Ello. It's been a while.

Sigh.

It's the same old story. I don't know where to start. I had 4 blogs in my head 2 weeks ago, the day after I wrote my last blog, but then finals blew up in my face and I didn't get a chance to write any of them. I feel especially bad about one in particular - the overview of the Mobilization to End Poverty, because I told people I was going to blog about it and I hate going back on my word.

Double sigh. Since then, I've forgotten 2 of the 4 blogs I wanted to write and thought of at least 6 more. So, you can see my dilemma. Where the heck do I start?

Hmm. Well, a promise is a promise, and I think I'll keep my promise. But not tonight. I usually try to cram all of the blogs I've been meaning to write into one horrendously long one and I don't really feel like doing that today [I know - thank God, right?]. The other blog I do remember was this: a poem.

I'm diving back into the world of spoken word. I performed at the Montgomery College Poetry Slam a couple of weeks ago. And - I wrote a new poem! I'd been struggling with a nasty bout of writer's block in the poetry realm, so it felt really good to get something fresh down on paper.

I put it out on the world of Facebook, but my mom reads this blog [thanks mom] and she doesn't have a Facebook account [and I figure there may be 2 or 3 other people left in the world who don't either], soooo, here it is: [Word of Caution [for lack of a better word] - It's a little . . . erm, provocative. And it's very "stream of consciousness". It makes a lot more sense when performed live. Also, after I finished, a very nice young man approached me with [I think] the intention of witnessing to me . . .]

A(d)dictionary Christian

I love you. And, I love Jesus.
Are you still listening, or did I lose you?

It's okay, I understand.

This is a poem about a girl embarrassed to be called a Christian because she knows what they're like.

This week has brought me to my knees.
I'm crying . . . inside.
She's dying! Hospitalized.
She won't tell me why
Full of small talk and fake smiles.

I meant what I said! I did, I love you.
I'm not supposed to.
I'm supposed to judge you
And propose how much you need a dose of Good Old Fashioned "Family Values",

Whatever that means.
Squash out the Bad Dreams
Christians are people, too.
They just don't act like it . . .

What does it mean to REALLY live?
To really give ALL of yourself?
To really Love? Let's you And I Suck the marrow out of life, shall we?
Like, just Dive In, and GET IT.

My spirit told the funniest joke the other day,
Something about Life and Depth . . . Get it?

He's hilarious!

Oh! You have an iPhone, too!
I want to get one! But I'm afraid that it will invade my brain and turn it into cat chow.
So, obviously, I'm putting off buying one, for now.

We are a nation of McDonaldization.
The radio station plays my Favorite song.
My two year old just loves it! You may have heard it.
It's called the "Stanky Legg". No?
It's a really good song.

Stifling Creativity
Trifling, She's Kidding Me
Tight Hold, Me Pivoting

Let's go the OTHER way.
This one is way too safe!

Let's . . . end poverty.
I think it'll be fun.

Let's forget about getting skinny and just give our food to hungry people. (:

Let's boycott Starbucks!
No wait! Forget I said that -
My friend just bought me a gift card.

This here is the tale of my inconsistent journey to be . . . consistent.

Man, everybody's going to freak out when the Christians go to hell.

There's an open mic night every Tuesday at this place in DC called Busboys and Poets. I think I'm going to venture out there and work up the nerve to perform. If you want to come with me, let me know and we'll make a night of it!

So, um, usually I begin my blog by picking a title and letting that title dictate the direction of the blog. I did it the other way around, and I rather like it the second way. I didn't know this was the blog inside of me that was most itching to get out, and had I chosen the title [which I thought was going to be More Random Musings], I might have never known.

That is all. Thank you, and good night.