Peter's Journal: Sunday and Monday

My worst nightmare has turned into the best dream I could have never imagined!

I am overwhelmed with gratitude and love!

What kind of God is this I serve? What kind of God conceives of such a magnificent and terrifying plan of redemption?

I saw Him!! I actually SAW Jesus! He's alive! He's bloody alive!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to do with this information - except to shout and sing and laugh and cry and dance a jig.

He forgave me! He did! After all I did, He still calls me His beloved follower.

He asked me if I loved Him. He asked so many times. I guess that's understandable, considering the way I behaved. I said I did, and He said, "Feed my sheep."

I am so ready to do that! I am so ready to love and forgive the way I have received those things! I am so ready to get up every day for the rest of my life and think, 'what can I do for the kingdom of God today?'

I feel like I could explode! Haha! I'm so happy! I'm so thankful! This plan - honestly, I don't understand every bit of it. But I know, deep down in my bones, that if Jesus can conquer death, then ANYTHING is possible. Anything!!

I look around - everywhere I look, stuff is absolutely shining! Everything has this amazing new Jesus-luster. It's so beautiful. So, so beautiful.

I didn't get it! None of us did. He told us - he did - several times! We were so oblivious. I kind of wish I had been the one to have gotten it, but only a little. I'm sort of relishing in this humble joy-filled state He's put me in.

Oh! What a glorious, wonderful, spectacular day! Oh! What glorious, wonderful spectacular days to come! He said [or rather eluded to the fact] that I may have to die a horrible death. You know what? I don't care!! Haha, I don't care! He conquers ALL! He does! And He'll be with me, through it all - even if I can't see Him - I'll know He's there - loving me, forgiving my foolish mistakes.

Oh, praise God for Jesus! Oh praise God!

Peter's Journal: Saturday

I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see him . . . bloody, naked . . . dead.

I . . . I don't understand . . .

I don't have words . . . I want to die . . . I want to die.

Was it all for nothing? How can he be dead?

God seems so silent . . . if . . . there is a God . . .

What am I saying? I want to believe! But . . . I . . . I just don't understand . . .

I just don't understand . . .

Peter's Journal: Friday Morning [Edited]

[Painting of the apostle Peter by Alberta Rae (Sune') Richards]

The apostle originally named Simon; also called Simeon (Acts 15:14) and Cephas. A fisherman in business with James and John (Luke 5:2-3, 10); married, lived in Capernaum (Mark 1:21, 29-30).

Walked on water (Matthew 16:28-31). Confessed Jesus as Messiah (Matthew 16:13-20; Mark 8: 27-30; Luke 9:18-21). At transfiguration (Matthew 17:1-9; Mark 9:2-8; Luke 9:28-36; 2 Peter 1:16-18). Jesus predicted he would deny Him (Matthew 26:31-35; Mark 14:27-31; Luke 22:31-34;John 13:36-38); denial (Matthew 25: 69-75; Mark 14:66-72; Luke 22:54-62; John 18:15-18,25-27); restoration to "feed My sheep" (John 21: 15-19).

Spoke at Pentecost (Acts 2:14-40); Healed people (3:1-10, 5:15, 9:34); raised Tabitha from the dead (9:36-43). Arrested and forbidden to preach ((4:1-31, 5:17-41). Saw vision: sent to Cornelius (Acts 10); reported Gentile conversions (Acts 11; 15); confronted by Paul for inconsistency (Galatians 2:11-14). Imprisoned by Herod; freed by angel (Acts 12:1-9).

Focused on Jewish Evangelism (Galatians 2:7). Wrote two letters (1 Peter 1:1; 2 Peter 1:1).

All of the preceding information was taken from page 1990 [the Concordance] of The Apologetics Study Bible.

I've done a little bit of online research, too. But I feel hesitant to publish my findings because it's hard to tell what's fact and what's rubbish. I did find a book - A Fragile Stone: The Emotional Life of Simon Peter, by Michael Card, and it seems like it might be a good read. Perhaps when I'm done with the 90+ books I own but haven't read, I'll take a peek into that one.

I think The New Advent Catholic Encyclopedia seems to be most accurate and thorough biography of Peter that I've found. It's also an interesting site just to browse through - the homepage is doused with eyebrow-raising blogs from a uniquely Catholic perspective.

I'm sure I could go on for a very long time. But that is hardly necessary.



Peter's Journal: Friday Morning

What have I done?

My head is swimming, my eyes are red from lack of sleep and bitter tears, and my stomach is threatening to give up last night's meal any moment now.

I drank too much last night. At least, I think I did. I must have. It's all a blur. Jesus said something about me denying I that know him. The wine, it seemed had given me extra boldness and my thoughts came up like word vomit - "I love You, Jesus! I truly do, and I would NEVER do anything like that!

How could I have been so stupid?

I should have known. What is wrong with me?

I haven't slept all night, er, since the garden. He asked us to stay awake and pray with Him. The wine had made me sleepy, I thought I'd just close my eyes for a second . . .

The next thing I know, Jesus was shaking me awake. I don't know if I've ever seen Him so upset. He has this look - it seems as if it can cut through my soul.

The next thing I know, Judas was standing next to us, with a bunch of other men. I didn't understand at first. Judas kissed Jesus. And then the men grabbed Him. I was boiling with anger. So I drew my sword and aimed to strike the awful man binding Jesus. But I didn't want to hit our Lord, of course, and it was so dark. I missed, and cut off this other guy's ear.

And Jesus was so angry. He said something about this being the cup that the Father had given Him.

What?!!?

And then they went to grab all of us. I think everyone got away. Everyone, except the One that matters.

We followed them, James and I, trying to be stealthy, to stay in the shadows. People kept asking me if I was one of His followers. I didn't want to blow our cover.

And then I remembered what Jesus had said. A wave of nausea washed over me and I just ran. I felt like I could cry and throw up all at once.

I don't understand! But I hate being at odds with Jesus. It's worse than any fight I've ever had. It's worse than when he called me "Satan", though that was pretty bad.

I just wish it were over. I wish Jesus would rebuke his captors and demand they set Him free. I don't know why he went so willingly! He is the Son of God! Why doesn't He act like it?