Day 6 - Six Flags fun!

We had  so much fun! I am way too exhausted to write a blog tonight. Here are some random pictures from our day together. Thanks for reading!

Being 29 - Day 2

Let's see, what was interesting about today?

Um, my little brother turns 21! Happy birthday Jeremy!

And I Zumbad. Fun, fun, fun!

There's Asian super grocery store close to where I live, and today I got very excited about the idea of taking Sadie there on a field trip next month. We could make some Asian cuisine and learn while picking up the ingredients. Or I could ask the manager if someone would be willing to give us a tour of the store and tell us about some of the food.

I started reading French Women Don't Get Fat at Borders the other day. And, we have two sets of friends who, on different occasions, introduced Jermaine and I to some of the best French bistros in Maryland. I feel so fortunate to have such good friends. And quite suddenly I've realized that I have a deep love for French food.

Jermaine and I (well, Jermaine, mostly) developed a point system for Sadie to help her get a sense of how well she's behaving. She can get or lose "cool points". It's very effective.

Right now, most of her stuff is still packed up. I'm having her go through it, about a box a day, to determine what she wants to keep here, what she wants to put into storage until we get our own place, and what she's willing to give away. Up until now I have been going through it with her. I mentioned in passing on my way to Zumba that she should do another box. I went downstairs 5 minutes later and she was in her room sorting through a box on her bed. Cool point!

Tomorrow's itinerary includes more Zumba, a bit of yard-saling (to scout out fun homeschool finds) and blackberry picking. I'm excited! Good night.

361 Days of Being 29 (and 4 Days of Being 30 Because I Started Late)

[I'd like to add captions and frames to these photos but I'm going to have to play around online to figure out how to do it. For now, I'll put their captions up here. Photo #1: Mary Oliver's poetry - way inspiring! Sorry it's kind of hard to read. Photo #2: The irony is that I bought the book. Photo #3: Sadie and the friend she made at a beautiful watery light show at the National Harbor. And yes, that is my mother-in-law's Evo in the corner.]

This year I want to:

• Get published
• Home school my 3rd grader (stay tuned for a When, What, Where and Why blog)
• Learn to skateboard with Sadie
• Find ways to help Jermaine prepare for boot camp and tech school
• Get through my first year of seminary
• Read a bunch
• Lose some weight
• Survive and thrive while living with my in-laws (and hopefully grow closer to them in the process)
• find an outlet for my deep desire to perform
• Go surfing for the first time
• Go snowboarding
• Go to India and learn some Hindi
• Teach my daughter about human trafficking
• Vacation with friends
• Get a handle on our debt and become saving savvy
• Blog about my adventures everyday

I entertained thoughts of combining my blogs and/or creating a whole new one. But it was starting to seem too complicated so I thought I'd just begin with this blog and see what happens. I'm going to attempt to blog 6 days a week - sometimes on here and sometimes on one of my other blogs. And my two main objectives are that it be relatively short and bursting with all the creativity I can muster.

Some interesting tidbits of my day today (and the last few days at the end):

• I woke up and tried to make some coffee and the coffeemaker sort of exploded. I resigned to consisting off instant coffee while I live here. I try to buy fair-trade coffee, but there was no fair-trade instant coffee at Giant. So I did what I do when I'm not sure if the people that made the product I'm purchasing were paid a fair wage - I prayed for them.
• The coffee debacle reminded me yet again that I am addicted to caffeine. I filed it away in the "deal with later" part of my brain.
• I went to Borders to get caffeinated and peruse the shelves. One of my favorite activities. Didn't buy any books. Win!
• Got hit on by a very nice Hispanic man. But got annoyed when he wouldn't leave even after I told him I was married.
• Figured out that the clutter that surrounds me at the moment is depressing me and making me unproductive.
• Found out that Sadie didn't know how to make a sandwich until her Aunt Danielle showed her yesterday. 
• This doesn't pertain to just this day - but I've lost 8 pounds since I had my caloric revelation! Still need to blog about that at some point . . . 
• Sadie and I are going to be doing some volunteer work for Polaris Project by putting together party kits, gathering stuff that survivors need and participating in the DC Stop Modern Slavery Walk. Super stoked!
• Got an email about the India trip 2011. Feels real again!

Of Two Minds

I've been thinking about my last post since I wrote it. I felt odd writing it. I had the stuff in my head and I wanted to get it out because, you know, "I write to find out what I'm thinking about."

But I was afraid it would come across as offensive to SAHMs. I didn't mean it to be. :(

I definitely wasn't saying that other moms, those who stay at home, don't have ambition. I think it's just the opposite, in fact! Especially if they home-school. I mean, wowsers!

My last post was attempting to lament the fact that sometimes I feel my ambition* is misplaced. Sometimes I blow Sadie off when I'm in the middle of a project that most definitely could wait. And then yesterday I got a note from her teacher saying that she was having some trouble. I think I blamed myself. And the teacher. It made me feel frustrated and sad. And further instilled this desire I have to home-school.

But then I thought, oh wait, I can't do that. All these negative thoughts flooded into my head. I'm not good with kids. I'm not a good teacher. We definitely don't have the money for me to stay home. And could I even do it if we did?

Sometimes, I think I could. It probably sounds ridiculous to read all this after the last blog I wrote, right? I feel like I'm of two minds when it comes to this stuff. On one hand, I think we do need women leaders and I think God has called me to play that kind of role. And, truly, I want to make money doing something I love. And I want to honest (to myself and to others) about my ambitions because it's easy for me to get caught up saying what I think I am supposed to (as a good Christian) say - and having it all end up being total bs. On the other hand, sometimes, I feel tired of constantly worrying about money. I pray that Jermaine can get a killer job so that I could have the option to pursue my passions without feeling like I'm neglecting my family.

Anyway. I don't know if this clarifies anything. I'm feeling incredibly frustrated with myself right now. Oy. I guess the only thing to say is thank you, for reading my blog. I'll try to be less negative if you come back tomorrow.

*Jermaine pointed out that the word "ambition" could definitely have a negative connotation, also. So, in saying I am ambitious, I was not complimenting myself. Therefore, my last post would not be rendered offensive and this current one is just silly.

Confessions from an Ambitious Mom

I have all this weirdness swirling around in my head. I wanted to share my thoughts with people and receive some feedback. And so, enter blog.

I just graduated. I just graduated! Wow. That's a blog in itself (but one for another time).

I'm trying to focus on two things this summer. First, I'd like to score my dream job or something in the ballpark. And second, I need to raise enough money to cover my India expenses. The first one has my attention at the moment, and so that's sort of the bigger picture focus for this blog. The second one is looming eerily in the background of my mind, but I'll worry about that later.

Can I just say I love to job hunt? I've been researching Guerilla Job Searching. I love the idea - using innovation and creativity and taking risks - it feels overwhelming and scary and so right. I'm sure I'll blog about that later, too. But, that's not really the focus of this one.

So, the twelve dollar question, what is this blog about?

I've been feeling conflicted lately. A LOT of my friends are stay-at-home moms. Some of them even home-school. I have a couple of friends who used to work, or are working now, but have decided to quit their jobs to be at home with their kids.

That's never really been an option for me. If you read my last blog then you know that I've been praying for Jermaine to find a killer career so I could do something similar. Similar, but not exactly the same. If I'm honest with myself I have to admit that even if it was possible for me to stay at home, I probably wouldn't. It's not that I don't want to devote my life to Sadie and our future children, I do - and I hope when they reach adulthood they'll know that.

But, I'm so ambitious. I want to work. And I want that work to yield monetary dividends. I have all of this creativity and passion bubbling up inside of me. I would venture that most moms do. But I don't want to focus all of it on Sadie. Sure, I want to bring her along for the ride. And I pray that my passions help shape her character and enable us to bond. But, a lot of what I aspire to has nothing directly to do with her.

I think that's the heart of this blog - that my work doesn't include her - and that, for the most part, I'm okay with that. It makes me wonder, tho - it encourages the little voice inside my head that is constantly probing - is there something wrong with me?

It's the age old mommy question. And I'm a sociology major - I've studied this exact phenomenon - I should know better. But life so much more complicated than it seems when you're studying it.

There are mommies I look up to - ambitious ones just like me. Phyllis Tickle, Katharine Weymouth, and Keri Wyatt Kent all come to mind.

I think, oddly tho, most of the people I look up to and aspire to emulate are dads - Rob Bell, Bob Goff, Eminem, Cameron Strang, Don Miller (although, he's not technically a dad), and Gary Haugen.

And I when I flip through the executive pages of the companies I want to work for - Relevant, IJM, Mars Hill, Restore International - I see all these men and I think, wow, we need to do something about this! We need more women to participate in running the show (kudos to Polaris Project, a notable exception) . And I think (I think) that's what I'm supposed to do. I think God has made me aware of this and is inviting me to work toward leadership in some capacity - whether now or in the future. All of my desires and endeavors are leadership related. And I feel thrilled, honored, and excited by my calling.

But, where does that leave Sadie? And how do I deal with the guilt - that little voice that insists I don't measure up as a mother? How do I find balance. And why does this seemingly unachievable balance seem to come so easy for fathers?

Short and Bittersweet

My eyes are tired from crying. And from being tired. I said goodbye to Sadie yesterday morning. It's going to be a long month. I'm trying desperately to enjoy it, tho - I mean, July is, like, one of the best months in the whole year! I don't want to inadequately appreciate the blessed summer fun. But it's hard to be home. So far away from her.

I've resolved to work on my blogging. The Bible blog is coming up very soon. Details to follow shortly. I pray that God gives me the discipline to write everyday [even if it's not a blog]. My friend Amie gave me the sweetest compliment today regarding my poetic skills and it filled my heart with joy. There is this conviction deep down in my gut that I need to be writing more. So, daggone it, I'd better get to it.

But not tonight. This is brief. Short and bittersweet.

Sadie quote of the day: "Is it raining or did I just spit on myself?"

Supposed To.

I was supposed to read the first volume of Jane Austen's Emma for my Women's Lit class tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, I didn't bother to check the syllabus until this evening, so . . . yeah. That's not going to happen. I made it through the first 3 chapters [there are about 15]. The pages of the book are filled with big words and tiny print. I like it enough, but it is not what I would call an easy read.

Twilight, however, is. And because it is so I've made it more than halfway through the book in less than two days. I was very satisfied with myself for doing so until I sourly realized all of the homework I'd so irresponsibly left undone. Besides the book, I have nothing short of fifty pages to read for another class and 20 more in a third. And this is just for Monday, I have yet to begin the hundreds of pages of catch-up reading that I couldn't do until last Monday [when I was able to get my books] and then didn't do after that.

I shouldn't complain. I know it's my own doing. And I don't mind the reading, rather, I enjoy it. But being that it is still so early in the semester and my classes are reading intensive [and sometimes not much else] I lack the penalties [for now] to make me motivated.

My hope [and prayer] is that I get on with the reading [regardless of what I want to do] and catch up before the unpleasant consequence of any large test.

I think Ms. Austen and Ms. Meyer are affecting my writing [in a rather random and regal way].

I know it doesn't really go with the tone of this blog, but I wanted to post some cheerleading pictures of Sadie.

She's just so darn cute.

One more thing, before I retire [lame, but fitting this current mood], my last few entries have been very "me-centered." This is more of a mental note to myself, to write about the needs of someone besides me.

Okay. Two more things. Jermaine found this Fabulous site called fitday.com. It's seriously very helpful in the fight against the almighty pound[s]. You can keep track of your intake, your activities, your moods. You can plan a goal weight and date and it will calculate exactly how many calories you need to eat [or not eat] to lose it in that time frame. You can keep a journal, customize foods [and nearly everything else], and it breaks down all the difficult to keep track of stuff [vitamins, nutrients, carbs, protein, fat, etc.]. Very cool. Definitely a thumbs up.

Goood stuff.

G'night.

The Good, the Bad and the Essentials

I don't know where to start. I'm trying to write more often so that I'm not so all over the place. But, let's be honest, my every day is all over the place.

Hmmmm. Let's see. Oooh - well, I cut Sadie's hair all by myself! I think it turned out pretty well, considering I'd never done that before. If you look closely you can tell it's an amateur kind of deal, but she loves it, so whateve.

She was nervous! And I was snapping at her to stay still because I was so afraid it would be lopsided. I apologized. She's very forgiving [and crazy fidgety!].

I cut her hair as a way of not spending money. The finances are stretched. And have been that way [at least for me] for a very very long time. And yet, you'd never know it the way I spend. It's something I've prayed about, repented and fallen back into time and time again.

Just recently I've had a change in heart. It was definitely a God thing. Spending money for no good reason suddenly just made no sense. And then shortly after I started to feel that way I had a wonderful conversation with Jermaine in which he said he kind of liked the idea of "roughing it".

It's funny. I've working diligently on the other side of the mountain - job searching, trying to make money. I didn't put half as much time on the saving end.

So we made this deal - only neccesities. For a while. My friend Amie [who by the way, just starting reading my blog and wrote a very flattering comment that gave me a great deal of joy!] actually has been doing this for a couple months. And my friend Jess [who is always leaving wonderfully sweet comments] just started doing it, too. Wow. We're very in fashion.

But I didn't realize it was the same thing [the pact between Jermaine and myself and my friends' pledge to buy only the essentials] until now. I thought we were just roughing it. It sounds so much cooler that way.

So anyways, this is what we're working with and this is how we're working it. Now, I must admit, this is only day 2. I'll keep you informed.

But . . .

. . . unbelievably, the same day we decided this I got a phone call from my temp agency offering me a five week gig. I took it, even though I had a plane ticket to LA with my in-laws for next week that I would have to give up.

Boo, I thought. Then, today I found out that they were going to let me go to California [and make up my hours]! Bru-ha-ha! Yay God!

And, when I got home I had an email from an potential employer wanting to set up an interview! This is the only interview I've received from the 60+ applications I sent out and it came the day after God changed my heart.

So.

I have a money-making temp job, saved $20 cutting my kid's hair, I get to go to Los Angeles, I have a job interview, and I got a notice today saying I'm in jeopardy of eviction because I haven't paid my rent.

Oh, shoot. I hadn't mentioned that part yet, had I? Crap.

Well, you know, the good with the bad? (:

Long story short [because this blog is becoming a long story] we are waiting on a check that was supposed to be here three weeks ago. It's for a graphics job Jermaine did before we got married. It's been extremely frustrating but we have good reason to believe that it will be here tomorrow. Will you pray for us?

Thanks! Yes, yes. I think that's it [for now].

Two Turn-Tables and an iPhone

I spent $80 on Easter candy today.

Don't judge me.

I've never constructed Easter baskets before [I don't start out small [I'm making six total [my niece, my nephew, my kid, and my best friend's 3 boys]]]. There is a slight chance I went overboard.

We went to the Lancaster Dutch Market [to fill the baskets], one of my new favorite places. The vibe is all pleasant and yummy. Everything is laced with a homemade flavor. They bake their own bread and butcher and grind their own meat. And you can find everything from gummie bears to dairy to fresh flowers.

I love going there because [lately] when I shop at ordinary grocery stores, I find myself taking hours longer than I'd planned reading labels [trying to decipher how the product ended up in my hands [and whether or not the hands of the folks manufacturing it were well cared for]]. Sometimes you just can't tell.

I didn't feel the need to do that in the Market. It's calming to trust the people from whom you purchase [Is that even close to being correct grammar? [I was just kind of making it up]].

Good stuff.

I attended a Power Yoga class today. Every time I enter a yoga studio I am struck by the fact that I am so not zen. This truth doesn't bother me at any other point in my daily life. But put me in a classroom filled with bendy soccer moms and I sweat stress.

First of all, it smells like feet. It's not my feet [I actually take great measures to ensure that my feel smell rosy]. And the music? Come on.

Some of the stress is purely linked to my own, um, unique way of doing business.

Beyonce calms me down. If I want to relieve stress I scream at the top of my lungs and punch something with all my might [thankfully I'm not that strong]. I did that today in fact. But that's another story.

I have to say though, Power Yoga proved itself. My body [still] hurts so good [the instructor said that like four times [can't go around plagiarizing Yoga instructors] Is Yoga supposed to be capitalized? Anybody?



I had the pleasure of listening to the sweet melodious sounds of Zelos [Jermaine's Band] this fine night. They rock dude. Sadie acted as their makeshift photographer.

She rocks, too. She rocked out. Says she really really wants to learn to play the "ki-tar."

Good grief I love that kid.

These pictures were taken with an iPhone [by my 6 year old [in bad light]]. Imagine a pint-size person walking around a coffeehouse bursting with people. Her brow is furrowed as she studies the screen, trying to capture the band in the best possible light.

The coffeehouse I spoke about is formally called Ebenezer's. It's in DC and to get there we had get lost in Connecticut and Massachusetts [and then dissect a frog and feed his carcass to a pack of wild elephants]. Jermaine says he has a very comforting and predictable relationship with the District. He knows that every he comes through she's going to welcome him with an unguided tour that last a minimum of two hours and always leave him running late on an empty gas tank.

But fun was had by all.

Well folks, I believe I should slumber now. Toodles. Sweet dreams.

The Truth about Santa Claus

Man, what a day. Filled with sweat, blogs, my true calling and the truth about the Easter Bunny.

You may or may not have realized that I spent the better part of the day creating my own little corner of cyberspace. 13th time is a charm. This is the last post, I swear. But I couldn't end on an old blog.

Where to start? Hmm. Well, you know about sweat, my other blogs are full up with sweat. You might also know about blogs, or else, how on earth did you get here?

Good question. I'll keep the ball rolling.

There's a chance you're less familiar with my true calling.

Up until about a year ago I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life. I went back to college in 2006 hoping I'd figure it out along the way. People would ask me [a 26 year single mom who'd quit her job to return to school full-time] what I was studying. I would smile and confess my uncertainty. That went over well.

And then one day I was driving home. I don't remember the exact circumstances. I just know suddenly it hit me like a lightning bolt. And I knew.

I wanted to be a preacher.

Yikes. What? Why? I don't know. I can't explain it. I felt so calm and everything seemed to make sense. Tears came streaming down my face. It just felt so right. For days I floated around the world. Yay God!

I floated all the way to cloud 9. My life had meaning, purpose, significance!

Beat.

Then came the doubts.

First of all, I'm a woman. I'm young. My past is riddled with shadiness. I stutter. I'm not incredibly sure of myself. I don't have a commanding presence. I make rash decisions. And I'm not even close to being equipped enough to teach, counsel and minister.

I've been waffling for awhile now. Is this what God really wants? Really? It's a huge calling and I am so not worthy. For a year now I have bathed in my incertitude. Enough is enough.

This morning I prayed and asked for a sign [if He wanted to give me one]. I don't usually ask for signs. But I had a feeling I might get one.

And I did.

It came through Rob Bell [Pastor in Michigan of a church called Mars Hill]. I was listening to his most recent sermon while picking up my messy apartment. At the very end he went on this mini shpiel on doubting. He said that one of the painful parts of pastoring had to do with other people's junk. Not only did he have to deal with his own digressions, he must counsel others on their's. And after listening to the worst of worst [when things that would just go haywire] sometimes he felt like giving up. Like why even try?

He said that doubts are fine, but they need to be tested, probed and drop-kicked. You have to hold them up to the light, throw them in the deep end and see if they float. Like: what if he did quit? What if he gave up, slept in on Sunday, and threw it all away? What about the people whose lives have been changed because of Mars Hill? What about the saved lives? What would he say? Or do?

In that light, it begins to sound silly. And again, I had tears streaming down my face. So what if I'm a girl? So what if I'm young. And thank God for the mistakes I've made because they've given me the endless stream of passion and conviction that I possess today. So what if I stutter [so did Moses]? And as for the rest, if God wants this of me, He will use and mold my tendency to make rash decisions and my ordinary presence.

So, boo-ya, doubts! Take that. There's your sign.

As exciting as that was it wasn't the most eventful part of my day. I told her. I did it. The Easter Bunny. Santa Claus. Even the Tooth Fairy. It's all out in the open. And to be honest, it's a little heartbreaking.

I grew up on Santa. Even after I figured it out I lied to my parents so they'd buy me more stuff. My parents never told me about Jesus. I didn't know the story. Santa was the reason for the season, the only way I could rationally explain all of the hoopla.

I was saved shortly before my daughter turned 3. Since that time I have been wrestling with this whole Santa dilemma. My mom is a huge Santa fan. And she gets even more excited about Easter. Every year we have a big egg hunt, search for baskets and finish the day with a home cooked meal. And I love it. It good clean family fun. But still, how can we justify lying to our kids [and then punish them for lying to us]? I know it's not exactly that simple. And I loathe the idea of bursting my daughter's magic bubble. So in the 3 years since this first came about, I've kept my mouth shut.

But a couple of weeks ago I heard an argument that I found hard to ignore.

Santa knows when you've been naughty or nice; and he can be all over the world in one night.

Hmm.

God knows when you've been naughty or nice; and He can be all over the world in one night.

At least one of those sentences is not true. But, if we lied to them about Santa, who's to say we're not lying about Jesus?

And why, for goodness sake, does some supernatural fictional character dominate both of the major Christian holidays?

I could ignore my conscience no longer. And there is no day like the present. We sat her down. Jermaine did most of the talking [thank God]. He spoke about Jesus and the resurrection [we decided to focus on Easter first, seeing that it is upon us]. She had lots of questions. He told her the truth and explained the reason for the charade [fattening the pockets of corporate America, of course]. She asked about Santa and the Tooth Fairy. We confessed it all. She was sad, but I think overall she took it pretty well. We asked her to let the parents of her Santa-loving friends do the telling when they were ready. She agreed.


These are not the greatest photos. But they do capture "the talk."

I feel compelled to do something really nice for her. I'm dreading telling my mom. But, I think we did the right thing.

I'm dying to hear what you think. I know this is a touchy subject - touch away.