What I'm Thinking About

I'm tired. My 7 hour trip turned into a 91/2 hour long excursion [and most definitely brought out of me [much to my dismay] a little bit of road rage [like, honestly - there is no freaking car in front of you, why on earth do you feel it necessary to brake THAT much??! [and, okay, I know cops are just doing their jobs - they've got quotas, whateve - but SERIOUSLY, 95 has been a parking lot for the past 3 hours, do you really need to pull him over? That just makes the rest of us sad]]] .

Oh well. 91/2 hours is better than the time we accidentally drove to Tennessee. That took 12.

Hi. I've missed you. I attempted to blog a couple times while I was in Charlotte, but it never materialized. I had a wonderful week. Filled with great friends, family, food and shopping.

Shopping. It was so fun. I went to thrift stores and bargain shops with my bffs and my mom. Mom and I also perused a fantabulous outlet mall in Gaffney, South Carolina. Very nice indeed. Good good quality time, and because of the locales, I didn't spend very much money.

Buuuut, of course, as I'm sure you've surmised, I had to break my fast to get in on the shopping mania.

I had sort of decided before I left that I was going to take a leave of absence from my fast while I was on vacation [I had definitely decided it once I was out of town] - kind of a fast from the fast. I don't know if you're supposed to do that. I know rules and regulations end up making things woefully legalistic, but still. I don't know if it was okay. I feel at peace [I think]. I repented [and asked for God to reveal if I had sinned].

This is little off topic, but seems like a good time to bring it up - I hate the word "sin." I avoid it at all costs. I feel like, by typing that word, I am instantly alienating anyone reading this blog who does not share my beliefs.

Now, having said that, I should say that I think sin is very real and relevant to our lives. But, I think it's misused. And misunderstood. More than that, I think it skews [sp?] the focus. Instead of working out what to do to glorify God, we put our energy into deciding what not to do in order to save ourselves.

I think that's dangerous. And, quite possibly sinful. If I may use so bold a term.

It also bugs me that we have developed a sin-o-meter rating system. Murder and rape top the list. While gossip goes virtually unnoticed. I should mention that it equally bugs me that the Bible says that we should not rate sins. I've wrestled with this so much. The Bible says all sins are created equal. But what kind of God created a world where the horrific sin of molestation is equal to some girlie gossip?

I don't get it. And it used to keep me up at night. Most people who know me know that I'm ultra sensitive to the evils of gossip. But, still. The consequences of rape can mess up a girl for life, while that same girl may not be affected one iota from bit of juicy gossip spilled out about her love life [well [and however], I feel compelled to say, it may affect her tremendously, or, act as a straw to break her already-wounded back].

Consequences. Forgiveness. Guilt.

I haven't figured it all out yet[don't know if I'm supposed to]. But I think those three things are instrumental [like a piano to a Ben Folds].

I've sinned before [shocking, right?]. Every time the consequences were different. I got a DWI in 2004. I paid SO much for that mistake. I paid with my time and my money. I've lost jobs, among other things. But I met people in rehab, those whose one night of bad judgment had turned them into murderers. And so I know that I got off lightly. Because that could have just as easily been me.

I've sinned in others ways, too. I've lied. I've cheated. I've never been caught. I had to live with the knowledge of what I did, but the actual penalties were minuscule.

I have this sin that haunts me. I was a bad mom. For the first two+ years of my daughter's life I put my wants above her needs.

I've repented so many times. But, still, I start to cry at the very thought. The other day I held the newborn of a very close friend. Then, out of nowhere, I just burst into tears. Instantly I was transformed back into that 20 year old girl, scared and selfish, terrified of making a fatal mistake. And in the meantime, making dozens daily.

I didn't know until that moment the long term consequences of my actions. Yes, I have been forgiven. God is so good. And despite my inadequacies, the Lord has filled me with hope, peace and love [and blessed me with an absolutely amazing little girl]. But the guilt still haunts me. And though I know that guilt is not helpful in the least, I can't seem to get rid of it.

I know I can. With God, all things are possible [cliché, though very true].

But it's difficult. And I get the feeling there will be a lot of work involved. And that's okay. I'm up for it.

This sin-o-meter. It must have something to do with consequences. And forgiveness. And guilt.

Maybe not necessarily in that order.

We ask and God forgives. But we rate because we face the consequences. We feel the guilt. And it hurts.

So, who knows. I don't. I don't get how sins are equal and I don't get how they're not. But God saw our mistakes and felt our hurt and instead of condemning us, sent Jesus to live and dwell and weep with us. With us. The Creator in communion with the creation.

This gives new meaning to the term "relational." To "communion." And, to "sin."

Oh dear.

One of my favorite quotes is, "I write to find out what I'm thinking about." [Joan Didion]

I would have never guessed that this what what I was thinking about. I thought I was just tired.

Oh well. Good. Fine. Okay.

Happy Sunday!

[Editor's note: that beautiful windblown picture [a candid shot taken outside of Moe's Restaurant in Charlotte, NC] was taken by our good friend/great photographer Daniel Berryhill. It was this picture that convinced us he would be the perfect person to photograph our wedding. He graciously agreed, and the wedding shots were just as lovely. I had to take this opportunity to sing his praises. (:]

The Third Way

I was supposed to be doing my homework. I yanked myself away from my big comfy bed and my sweet sexy husband to work on a stupid paper. Only to discover that it requires watching a movie I have no way of viewing on this blustery fall eve.

Sigh. Jermaine's 12 hour day has put him into a deep sleep. I could wake him, but he has to be up in less than 6 hours and it just seems cruel [though I'm sure he would quite disagree].

I have to be up early in the morning. It is the last full day before I venture out of town for a week and there is much [too much] to do [and now I must add watching a movie that I don't care to see and writing a 3 page paper on it [a paper I promised myself I would finish by tonight [too bad I didn't read the actual assignment informing me of the movie-watching mania [not-reading-the-assignmentitis is a horrible disease I am constantly afflicted with by the way [an immense shame considering it's preventable [oh - but thank God I read it tonight [instead of my usual habit of reading it for the first time the night before it's due]]]]]]].

So, all that to say that I'm going to be tired tomorrow. But a blog is worth missing some sleep. And I really want to share this blog with you. So, I'm going to kick back with my keyboard, my computer screen and a yummy Sam Adams Octoberfest [thank God again - that Octoberfest is still available] and share. Thank you [for letting me share].

I was given the extreme pleasure of preaching my very first sermon this past Sunday. For me this event was comparable to my wedding day [less presents, tho]. I loved everything about it. I loved the way it humbled me. I loved standing in front of a group of people sharing good stuff that God had shared with me. I loved preparing for it. I loved deciding on a topic [and changing my mind about a bazillion times]. I loved that some people were affected. I loved praying before, during, after. I just loved it.

I've felt a pull towards becoming a pastor for a while now. Shortly after I moved to Maryland, I think. And when I delve back into the first days of my Christian walk, I realize I felt it then, too [though I brushed it aside because I felt ridiculously, hopelessly, and completely unqualified [and I was [and I still am [but that's why I'm sure now]]].

This [I think] solidified it.

I've haven't met very many people who feel the way I do. Most pastors I know didn't set out to become that way. It just happened. Not me. I've always known my talents. Writing. Speaking. Reading. Teaching. Being on stage. I struggled with not knowing what I wanted to be when I "grew up" for years. In high school I had the vague sense that I wanted to be famous. Though I couldn't [and didn't try to] tell you what for. I also wanted to create and be Editor-In-Chief of my own magazine [I called it Gypsy Blood - though in hindsight that's not a very good name]. I wanted it to showcase all the underground good stuff in the world [my examples at the time were - 1) The exciting underground DC rap scene, and, 2) Little League coaches]. In high school I was also heavily involved in theatre - a trend that continued for the next several years, well into college [and - I would say - in some ways still continues to this day]. As a result I've entertained more than two [more than, like, 1000] thoughts that my famousness would be a result of a future stellar acting career.

But, you know how the story goes - first came the drugs. And then the baby. And then there wasn't time for anything else [I couldn't even make it into college [let alone establish myself as a famous person]].

I've never wanted riches. Fame has always been my Achilles Heel.

While I was Wild Brandy, I believed [very passionately] that I was meant to be a rapper. I was enthralled by Eminem [and still am] and thought that maybe I could be the female version. I worked very hard on my raps. They were really bad. I had lost a good number of brain cells at that time and sadly, it showed in my writing.

When I became a Christian two things happened [though not at the same time]. First, I decided to write lyrics about good God stuff. Second, I met Jermaine, and he introduced me to The Greats [Lauryn Hill, Black Thought and The Roots, NAS, Ahmad Jones, and countless others I can't think of at the moment].

Two more things happened. First, I wrote my very first song. People loved it. Some of you know this. I performed it at a bunch of churches in Charlotte. I got to stand up in front of 5000 people [at Forest Hill Church [not all at one time, by the way [one big church, two or three services]] and "rap." That was to date the closest I've ever come to the fame I crave. The pastor of that mega church [the one where I was a only a humble housekeeper] wrote me a note praising my performance. So did one of the coaches of a big time Charlotte sports team [sorry - I can't remember which one [sports is really really not my thing]. And, to top it off, Anthony Hamilton's manager approached me about signing a record deal.

I'm not even kidding.

But, like I said, two things happened. And the second was that I was made to realize that this was not the path I was supposed to take.

That was so painful.

Let me just say that I'm not ruling out a rap career. With God all things are possible. And if He calls me there again I am SO there.

But He hasn't yet. And I do feel another call. And this call takes all the talents I've known about for years and weaves them together into this beautiful tapestry. And, at the same time, it takes all the weaknesses I've also known [and obsessed about] for years and places me in an arena where it's not only okay to share them, but it's good and healing - not only to myself, but to others as well.

I want to be a pastor. And that's what He's called me to be.

Oh My.

I have gone so totally off track. I was planning on writing about what I actually preached about [which was, I should add, The Myth of Redemptive Violence and The Third Way [the way of Jesus]].

Another night, I guess. Because it is definitely bedtime.

I need to add one more thing before I go, though.

Satan is attacking [much like as he did at time of my short-lived rap career].

In the past three days, one of my friends [who is like a brother to me] was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Another miscarried a child that she and her husband had been waiting for a very long time. Another found out that her boyfriend [of three years] has been unfaithful.

These have been staggering blows. To me and to my loved ones. I cry with my friends and I cry out to God on their behalf. I lament. And scream. And whimper. And ask to be held. And ask that they be held even closer, even tighter, even more secure by our Abba Father.

I ask, with every fiber in my being, that you do the same. And I thank you for doing so.

At the same time, God is presently teaching about gratitude. The days leading up to these recent events have been spectacular. Filled with many blessings and I thanked God for as many as I could articulate. And I want to stop there. But, He is teaching me to give thanks in all things.

I heard a story the other day. Two women in a concentration camp in World War II. They were reading the Bible shortly after they arrived and the particular passage said that we should be thankful for all things. At first, one of the women absolutely refused to be thankful for the fleas that infested their barracks. The other protested until finally the first relented and together they both thanked God for the fleas. Weeks passed. They found that they could hold Bible study with little to no interruption from the guards. They thanked God for this too. Eventually they found why. It seems that the guards did not want to enter the barracks because of the fleas.

I choked a little today when the thought of being thankful for these recent and horrible events popped into my head. I did not want to thank God for them.

But I trust Him. And I love my friends who are hurting. So I did. I don't know why. I don't understand. But I think that's okay. And I know God has a plan.

Good night.

Lots and Lots

[Editor's Note: I just took the exam to become an aerobics intructor. The first two pictures are Sadie, covered in stickers, helping me remember my bones and muscles [another brilliant idea from Jess]. The last picture is Sadie's very scary flower fairy Halloween costume.]

I'm busy. I'm really really busy. There is a lot going on in the next few days and weeks. I need to stay focused and not waste time.

But, I really want to share some of the events of the past week. And, I really really wanted to share the correlating pictures.

So, I'm gonna. And I'm going to try not to dawdle. So I can soon return to the huge pile of homework that's sitting next to the computer waiting for me.

Where to start? Hmm, well, I broke my fast. Ugh. On Halloween. Jermaine and I bought Mcdonalds. I tried to pretend that it was okay because he really wanted it [and it was not me egging us on [as it usually is] even though it was still my idea]. But, a couple days later I bought Pizza Hut. Then later I "forgot" to pack my lunch for school and so I bought a tuna melt. And then a couple days after that I did it again and bought Chick-Fil-A.

Wowsers.

Now, part of the buying was because I wasn't sure how to proceed after breaking the fast. Do I just continue? Stop and recommit? Forget it completely and go back to my normal life of buying too much stuff [my bank account can't handle that option]?

I didn't know what to do, but as you can see, it kept escalating.

And then my friend Jess asked a question that I deemed brilliant [she termed it "silly", but I think she's pretty silly herself]. She asked, "Have you prayed and repented?"

Woah!

No.

And so I did.

And now, a couple days later, I think I have a working answer. I think God does want me to recommit. I also think I may need to redefine. And that list will be more thoughtful and less spontaneous than the last.

Yay God.

There is more, but I've decided to stop there and get back to the grind.

Wish me luck.

Caffeine Free

Oh man.

This had better be good [I keep telling myself]. It's been far too long.

I've been wanting to write, but situations and circumstances have not allowed for such a luxury. It makes me sad. But, that's okay. Here I am.

I'm tired. I gave up caffeine. Yikes. One week today, actually. The first day was the worst. I spent the entire day crying or in bed or both. I'm embarrassed to say that we had company for part of the day. I'm sure it wasn't as bad as how I remember it in my head, but I'm still pretty mortified. The worst part was that I had no idea I was that addicted. Admittedly, I did potentially make it worse on myself. I didn't sleep much at all the week prior and then the day before I stayed good and caffeinated. I thought I was giving myself one last good go-round. But, instead I sabotaged my sanity and really tried the patience of my devoted and loving husband [my, he's a good good guy].

Presently, I am worn out. But drinking coffee now would [just about] make last weekend's hell futile.

So, I'll settle for root beer and decaf herbal tea. And I'll thank God for the prayers of good friends, without which, I know I would have never made it this far.

--------

That's not the only thing I gave up this past week. But, this next thing is a fast, and so I suppose I am not supposed to share. But, if you dive back into the depths of my blog, you'll find that this isn't the first time I've attempted it. And though I haven't kept you updated on the status of this particular venture, I am now about the reveal how miserably I've failed thus far.

And so, in announcing this fast, I am, in addition, announcing one of my supreme weaknesses. And I think that is what makes the first announcement acceptable and somewhat necessary.

Yeah, so. Now would be a good time to stop rambling about and actually divulge what it is.

I'm giving up [again] spending money on non-essentials [for a spell].

And before I go any further, I must must must refer to my friend Amie's incredibly inspiring comment regarding her adventures in this particular art:

YOU MUST MAKE A LIST OF NECESSITIES AND NON-NECESSITIES! Otherwise you will always cheat yourself and your bank account.

Here is mine.

I cannot buy:
Clothes
Books : (
CDs
Shoes
Housewares
Make up
Jewelry

I can buy:
Food
Presents
Lingerie (blush)

Anything not on those lists I pray about if I think about buying it. And if I need further help deciding I call Daniel. Also, if I am having a moment of weakness and am about to buy something I shouldn't I call D and he talks me into putting it down and walking out of the store. Actually, it hasn't come to that quite yet.

Another helpful hint is this:
DO NOT GO TO TARGET.
I repeat:
DO NOT GO TO TARGET.

They are good at what they do. They sell really cute stuff. Just stay away. Stay at home. Write a letter. Go for a walk. Do anything other than go into that store.

I have just been inspired to create my own lists. Here goes:


I cannot buy:

books
clothes
shoes
food from a restaurant
drinks from a restaurant
housewares
jewelry


I can buy:

The Divine Hours
Makeup [on an as needed basis]
craft materials to make gifts [preferred]
store-bought gifts

She has this wonderful comment where she says that when she has a weak moment she calls her husband and he talks her out of buying the item in question. I felt so comforted, I can do that, I thought. Then I read further to where she explains that it hadn't come to that yet. Blah.

Sigh. Well, I still can do that. And I probably will have to. Because shopping [and, more specifically, eating out] is an addiction for me. It's a pacifier. But, it makes me sick to my stomach because it pretty much goes against everything I claim to be about. And I know it. Deep down in the tender spots of my soul I know that I can't be crucified with Christ and simultaneously buy anything my little heart desires.

And if that wasn't motivation enough, I just found out that my mom works overtime to help us pay our bills. It was jaw-dropping and gut-wrenching to discover her generous sacrifice.

And it hurt.

It hurts when you see how your various addictions affect others.

But it's motivation, too. Because if I'm really about dying to myself and letting Christ live in me, then, golly, this has got to have something to do with what that's all about.

Supposed To.

I was supposed to read the first volume of Jane Austen's Emma for my Women's Lit class tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, I didn't bother to check the syllabus until this evening, so . . . yeah. That's not going to happen. I made it through the first 3 chapters [there are about 15]. The pages of the book are filled with big words and tiny print. I like it enough, but it is not what I would call an easy read.

Twilight, however, is. And because it is so I've made it more than halfway through the book in less than two days. I was very satisfied with myself for doing so until I sourly realized all of the homework I'd so irresponsibly left undone. Besides the book, I have nothing short of fifty pages to read for another class and 20 more in a third. And this is just for Monday, I have yet to begin the hundreds of pages of catch-up reading that I couldn't do until last Monday [when I was able to get my books] and then didn't do after that.

I shouldn't complain. I know it's my own doing. And I don't mind the reading, rather, I enjoy it. But being that it is still so early in the semester and my classes are reading intensive [and sometimes not much else] I lack the penalties [for now] to make me motivated.

My hope [and prayer] is that I get on with the reading [regardless of what I want to do] and catch up before the unpleasant consequence of any large test.

I think Ms. Austen and Ms. Meyer are affecting my writing [in a rather random and regal way].

I know it doesn't really go with the tone of this blog, but I wanted to post some cheerleading pictures of Sadie.

She's just so darn cute.

One more thing, before I retire [lame, but fitting this current mood], my last few entries have been very "me-centered." This is more of a mental note to myself, to write about the needs of someone besides me.

Okay. Two more things. Jermaine found this Fabulous site called fitday.com. It's seriously very helpful in the fight against the almighty pound[s]. You can keep track of your intake, your activities, your moods. You can plan a goal weight and date and it will calculate exactly how many calories you need to eat [or not eat] to lose it in that time frame. You can keep a journal, customize foods [and nearly everything else], and it breaks down all the difficult to keep track of stuff [vitamins, nutrients, carbs, protein, fat, etc.]. Very cool. Definitely a thumbs up.

Goood stuff.

G'night.

Write or Wrong [I heart playing on words].

Editor's Note: The first 4 paragraphs were written while this blog was still called "Brandywine's World."

AND, This Just In - Jermaine taught Sadie to ride her bike without training wheels!!! That is definitely worth multiple exclamation marks.


This used to come so easily. To pour out my heart into cyberspace felt so natural and . . . and . . . some other word that would have just "come to me" to make my writing appear witty and lithe.

I am struggling at the moment to think of a new title for this blog. I loathe it's current name. What was I thinking while I typed it and so hastily hit it the "confirm" button? It almost seems too late to change it. People have linked my blog with theirs. To change it now might put the entire system in an uproar.

Okay, that may be a bit of an overstatement. And even more than that, it's egotistical [which, I am learning, I am full up with].

Change is good [sometimes] but, as with anything else, it has it's consequences. Regardless, I'm changing my name.

Well, I have already, actually. The name did not come until a few sentences in. So, the first part of this blog will remain nameless. And confusing, as at this point even I don't know what I'm talking about.

Jermaine thought of it. I am not grateful. I am full of resentment. I wanted to think of it. My professor in my Women's Literature class droned on and on one period about how men have all the power because they name all the stuff. The act of naming, she concluded, was, in part, a demonstration in taking back the power that the evil men have enjoyed so greedily all these years.

I mean, whateve. I just wanted the credit. I like to one up him. It helps me with my self-esteem.

Alas, he won this one. But I am way prettier, so there.

What am I talking about? Well, I believe, since my last entry was so heady and er, depressing, I am merely trying to lighten things up with some silliness.

But, you know, I can't not write a conclusion of sorts. I am feeling better, you may have guessed. I have been planning on writing for quite sometime. I tried more than once, tho even with words piled to the ceiling of my brain, I wasn't successful. They simply refused to arrange themselves in any sort of meaningful order.

Until today, and I thank God that they did. It is our Sabbath. And even with a few kinks, our best to date; filled with a few of our favorite things. For myself: reading, writing and french toast. For Jermaine: Music, a wife in high spirits [except for about a half an hour when I moped rather dramatically about not being financially able to go to the Renaissance Festival], and oatmeal cookies. And for Sadie: a step-dad happily obliging to teach her the art of riding a bike with only two wheels and friendly neighbors who always have their door open welcoming her to play [and additionally speak very minimal English and therefore never correct her grammar [or her bad British accent [no explanation, sorry]].

I did not know that this blog would not come until this lazy Saturday afternoon. But, I am very excited that it has. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers. I have felt what I can only describe as being "lifted up." I know that is not my doing, and I am so grateful.

God is teaching me about some very wonderful things these days. I feel compelled to ask for prayer again. Tho, I am hesitant. So many people have needs much greater than mine.

True as that may be, I still must ask. Because it helps me to pray. Because prayer is so essential. And because I want to. But, I want to add, with the utmost sincerity, that I would very much like to pray for you, too. Whether you know me well, not at all, or somewhere in between. And you can comment or email your request [whichever you prefer].

Here are my cries to God:

• for consistency -
  

1. In not practicing gluttony
2. In going to class
3. In finishing projects that I start
4. In saving and spending wisely
   

• for financial matters in general [and for a clear direction to pursue] - in my head swirls all kinds of ideas of money making and money saving and I don't know which path[s] to take:

1. Getting a job
   
2. Moving out of our apartment and perhaps into a more communal situation
3. Applying for government aid

• a 24-7 prayer movement within my church
• that I get all of the wedding thank you cards out very very soon
• oh, and Praise God that Sadie learned to ride her bike - watching her truly made my week!
  

That's all I can really think of at the moment. Thank you.

Depression Hurts.

I am depressed.

I cry at random times. I have these horrible thought running through my head.

I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'll never get it right. What is wrong with me!?

I don't feel like talking to anyone about it. I don't, in fact, feel like doing anything. Somehow, tho, it seems easier to write about it [and consequently tell the world] than to tell any one person.

I told my mom. She thinks it's financial. And, yes, we are severely broke. But, I don't think it's that. I mean, come on, we all know I've been broke before. She told me to just try to be happy. That was not helpful.

She reminded me about all the wonderful things in my life. My amazing new husband, my sweet, funny little girl and the fact that I get to stay in school [not to mention my friends and my loving Creator].

That's why I don't think it could be about money. If my depression is circumstantial then I should focus on the possibility of insanity rather than sadness because I am truly, truly blessed.

I was in counseling a couple of years ago and we discussed in depth the danger of negative self-talk. I know it's poison. But, I don't know how to stop.

The phone just rang. I answered it. I usually don't [even if someone is returning my call]. But the person on the other end someone whom I felt would really understand.

She did [at least, I think she did]. She pointed out that with all of the changes that have taken place in my life in the past few months this is quite possibly very normal. And if she's right then I have been very very wrong.

Maybe it is circumstantial. Maybe it's hard to go from being a single mom to being a wife and mother. Maybe this apartment really has gotten a lot smaller since Jermaine moved in. Maybe I'm going to be okay. Maybe I need medicine. Maybe I don't. Maybe the first year of marriage really is the hardest. Maybe money is a factor. Maybe it's okay if my house is a mess. Maybe it's okay to cry sometimes.

I would like to end this blog by asking for prayer.

Will you pray:

• for my spiritual life - particularly in regards to the spiritual discipline of fasting [I feel very called to fast and yet still haven't done it]
• that I can get health insurance soon [mine just ended yesterday] so that I can talk to a doctor about this
• that I will not be so selfish and self-centered
• for my daughter and my husband - that they will have patience with me while I work through this and that I will be loving and nurturing toward them even in the mist of depression
  
• that I will not neglect things that need to be done [like taking care of my family, paying bills, cleaning our apartment and doing schoolwork]
• that I will not be too hard on myself when I mess up
• that I won't try to numb the pain with food, alchohol or anything else
• that God will use this time to draw me closer to Him

Thanks.