Supposed To.

I was supposed to read the first volume of Jane Austen's Emma for my Women's Lit class tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, I didn't bother to check the syllabus until this evening, so . . . yeah. That's not going to happen. I made it through the first 3 chapters [there are about 15]. The pages of the book are filled with big words and tiny print. I like it enough, but it is not what I would call an easy read.

Twilight, however, is. And because it is so I've made it more than halfway through the book in less than two days. I was very satisfied with myself for doing so until I sourly realized all of the homework I'd so irresponsibly left undone. Besides the book, I have nothing short of fifty pages to read for another class and 20 more in a third. And this is just for Monday, I have yet to begin the hundreds of pages of catch-up reading that I couldn't do until last Monday [when I was able to get my books] and then didn't do after that.

I shouldn't complain. I know it's my own doing. And I don't mind the reading, rather, I enjoy it. But being that it is still so early in the semester and my classes are reading intensive [and sometimes not much else] I lack the penalties [for now] to make me motivated.

My hope [and prayer] is that I get on with the reading [regardless of what I want to do] and catch up before the unpleasant consequence of any large test.

I think Ms. Austen and Ms. Meyer are affecting my writing [in a rather random and regal way].

I know it doesn't really go with the tone of this blog, but I wanted to post some cheerleading pictures of Sadie.

She's just so darn cute.

One more thing, before I retire [lame, but fitting this current mood], my last few entries have been very "me-centered." This is more of a mental note to myself, to write about the needs of someone besides me.

Okay. Two more things. Jermaine found this Fabulous site called fitday.com. It's seriously very helpful in the fight against the almighty pound[s]. You can keep track of your intake, your activities, your moods. You can plan a goal weight and date and it will calculate exactly how many calories you need to eat [or not eat] to lose it in that time frame. You can keep a journal, customize foods [and nearly everything else], and it breaks down all the difficult to keep track of stuff [vitamins, nutrients, carbs, protein, fat, etc.]. Very cool. Definitely a thumbs up.

Goood stuff.

G'night.

Write or Wrong [I heart playing on words].

Editor's Note: The first 4 paragraphs were written while this blog was still called "Brandywine's World."

AND, This Just In - Jermaine taught Sadie to ride her bike without training wheels!!! That is definitely worth multiple exclamation marks.


This used to come so easily. To pour out my heart into cyberspace felt so natural and . . . and . . . some other word that would have just "come to me" to make my writing appear witty and lithe.

I am struggling at the moment to think of a new title for this blog. I loathe it's current name. What was I thinking while I typed it and so hastily hit it the "confirm" button? It almost seems too late to change it. People have linked my blog with theirs. To change it now might put the entire system in an uproar.

Okay, that may be a bit of an overstatement. And even more than that, it's egotistical [which, I am learning, I am full up with].

Change is good [sometimes] but, as with anything else, it has it's consequences. Regardless, I'm changing my name.

Well, I have already, actually. The name did not come until a few sentences in. So, the first part of this blog will remain nameless. And confusing, as at this point even I don't know what I'm talking about.

Jermaine thought of it. I am not grateful. I am full of resentment. I wanted to think of it. My professor in my Women's Literature class droned on and on one period about how men have all the power because they name all the stuff. The act of naming, she concluded, was, in part, a demonstration in taking back the power that the evil men have enjoyed so greedily all these years.

I mean, whateve. I just wanted the credit. I like to one up him. It helps me with my self-esteem.

Alas, he won this one. But I am way prettier, so there.

What am I talking about? Well, I believe, since my last entry was so heady and er, depressing, I am merely trying to lighten things up with some silliness.

But, you know, I can't not write a conclusion of sorts. I am feeling better, you may have guessed. I have been planning on writing for quite sometime. I tried more than once, tho even with words piled to the ceiling of my brain, I wasn't successful. They simply refused to arrange themselves in any sort of meaningful order.

Until today, and I thank God that they did. It is our Sabbath. And even with a few kinks, our best to date; filled with a few of our favorite things. For myself: reading, writing and french toast. For Jermaine: Music, a wife in high spirits [except for about a half an hour when I moped rather dramatically about not being financially able to go to the Renaissance Festival], and oatmeal cookies. And for Sadie: a step-dad happily obliging to teach her the art of riding a bike with only two wheels and friendly neighbors who always have their door open welcoming her to play [and additionally speak very minimal English and therefore never correct her grammar [or her bad British accent [no explanation, sorry]].

I did not know that this blog would not come until this lazy Saturday afternoon. But, I am very excited that it has. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers. I have felt what I can only describe as being "lifted up." I know that is not my doing, and I am so grateful.

God is teaching me about some very wonderful things these days. I feel compelled to ask for prayer again. Tho, I am hesitant. So many people have needs much greater than mine.

True as that may be, I still must ask. Because it helps me to pray. Because prayer is so essential. And because I want to. But, I want to add, with the utmost sincerity, that I would very much like to pray for you, too. Whether you know me well, not at all, or somewhere in between. And you can comment or email your request [whichever you prefer].

Here are my cries to God:

• for consistency -
  

1. In not practicing gluttony
2. In going to class
3. In finishing projects that I start
4. In saving and spending wisely
   

• for financial matters in general [and for a clear direction to pursue] - in my head swirls all kinds of ideas of money making and money saving and I don't know which path[s] to take:

1. Getting a job
   
2. Moving out of our apartment and perhaps into a more communal situation
3. Applying for government aid

• a 24-7 prayer movement within my church
• that I get all of the wedding thank you cards out very very soon
• oh, and Praise God that Sadie learned to ride her bike - watching her truly made my week!
  

That's all I can really think of at the moment. Thank you.

Depression Hurts.

I am depressed.

I cry at random times. I have these horrible thought running through my head.

I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'll never get it right. What is wrong with me!?

I don't feel like talking to anyone about it. I don't, in fact, feel like doing anything. Somehow, tho, it seems easier to write about it [and consequently tell the world] than to tell any one person.

I told my mom. She thinks it's financial. And, yes, we are severely broke. But, I don't think it's that. I mean, come on, we all know I've been broke before. She told me to just try to be happy. That was not helpful.

She reminded me about all the wonderful things in my life. My amazing new husband, my sweet, funny little girl and the fact that I get to stay in school [not to mention my friends and my loving Creator].

That's why I don't think it could be about money. If my depression is circumstantial then I should focus on the possibility of insanity rather than sadness because I am truly, truly blessed.

I was in counseling a couple of years ago and we discussed in depth the danger of negative self-talk. I know it's poison. But, I don't know how to stop.

The phone just rang. I answered it. I usually don't [even if someone is returning my call]. But the person on the other end someone whom I felt would really understand.

She did [at least, I think she did]. She pointed out that with all of the changes that have taken place in my life in the past few months this is quite possibly very normal. And if she's right then I have been very very wrong.

Maybe it is circumstantial. Maybe it's hard to go from being a single mom to being a wife and mother. Maybe this apartment really has gotten a lot smaller since Jermaine moved in. Maybe I'm going to be okay. Maybe I need medicine. Maybe I don't. Maybe the first year of marriage really is the hardest. Maybe money is a factor. Maybe it's okay if my house is a mess. Maybe it's okay to cry sometimes.

I would like to end this blog by asking for prayer.

Will you pray:

• for my spiritual life - particularly in regards to the spiritual discipline of fasting [I feel very called to fast and yet still haven't done it]
• that I can get health insurance soon [mine just ended yesterday] so that I can talk to a doctor about this
• that I will not be so selfish and self-centered
• for my daughter and my husband - that they will have patience with me while I work through this and that I will be loving and nurturing toward them even in the mist of depression
  
• that I will not neglect things that need to be done [like taking care of my family, paying bills, cleaning our apartment and doing schoolwork]
• that I will not be too hard on myself when I mess up
• that I won't try to numb the pain with food, alchohol or anything else
• that God will use this time to draw me closer to Him

Thanks.

Wedding Pictures

Some very exciting things have happened and are about to happen to me. Unfortunately, I am a little bit too tired to delve into them tonight. But, I just realized I only posted two wedding photos. The pictures really are too good not to share [we had the best photographer in the world]. Here are a few. More to come later, probably.

Have a lovely evening.

Thank you for letting me share.

PS. If you read this before you might have realized it had one or two gross grammatical errors. I guess I really was tired. (:

The Good, the Bad and the Essentials

I don't know where to start. I'm trying to write more often so that I'm not so all over the place. But, let's be honest, my every day is all over the place.

Hmmmm. Let's see. Oooh - well, I cut Sadie's hair all by myself! I think it turned out pretty well, considering I'd never done that before. If you look closely you can tell it's an amateur kind of deal, but she loves it, so whateve.

She was nervous! And I was snapping at her to stay still because I was so afraid it would be lopsided. I apologized. She's very forgiving [and crazy fidgety!].

I cut her hair as a way of not spending money. The finances are stretched. And have been that way [at least for me] for a very very long time. And yet, you'd never know it the way I spend. It's something I've prayed about, repented and fallen back into time and time again.

Just recently I've had a change in heart. It was definitely a God thing. Spending money for no good reason suddenly just made no sense. And then shortly after I started to feel that way I had a wonderful conversation with Jermaine in which he said he kind of liked the idea of "roughing it".

It's funny. I've working diligently on the other side of the mountain - job searching, trying to make money. I didn't put half as much time on the saving end.

So we made this deal - only neccesities. For a while. My friend Amie [who by the way, just starting reading my blog and wrote a very flattering comment that gave me a great deal of joy!] actually has been doing this for a couple months. And my friend Jess [who is always leaving wonderfully sweet comments] just started doing it, too. Wow. We're very in fashion.

But I didn't realize it was the same thing [the pact between Jermaine and myself and my friends' pledge to buy only the essentials] until now. I thought we were just roughing it. It sounds so much cooler that way.

So anyways, this is what we're working with and this is how we're working it. Now, I must admit, this is only day 2. I'll keep you informed.

But . . .

. . . unbelievably, the same day we decided this I got a phone call from my temp agency offering me a five week gig. I took it, even though I had a plane ticket to LA with my in-laws for next week that I would have to give up.

Boo, I thought. Then, today I found out that they were going to let me go to California [and make up my hours]! Bru-ha-ha! Yay God!

And, when I got home I had an email from an potential employer wanting to set up an interview! This is the only interview I've received from the 60+ applications I sent out and it came the day after God changed my heart.

So.

I have a money-making temp job, saved $20 cutting my kid's hair, I get to go to Los Angeles, I have a job interview, and I got a notice today saying I'm in jeopardy of eviction because I haven't paid my rent.

Oh, shoot. I hadn't mentioned that part yet, had I? Crap.

Well, you know, the good with the bad? (:

Long story short [because this blog is becoming a long story] we are waiting on a check that was supposed to be here three weeks ago. It's for a graphics job Jermaine did before we got married. It's been extremely frustrating but we have good reason to believe that it will be here tomorrow. Will you pray for us?

Thanks! Yes, yes. I think that's it [for now].

What a day!

What a day! What a day! What a day! What a day!

I asked my friend, Dwayne, if he liked me most recent blog and he said, "Um, yeah, I did. But it was too freaking long."

Oh.

But that's probably because I hadn't written in a hot minute. SO . . .

Let me make you a deal. Read me [everyday]. I'll keep it short [and very sweet].

I'm depressed. Or, er, I was. Or, well, I'm dealing with it. I'm working through my melancholy.

I woke up early today. Too early. 6am early. It was good at first. I listened to a sermon and walked to the library and bought some groceries. Went to church and all was well. For a minute. Then, I think the tired started to catch up to me. Or something. I don't know. I felt very "in my head."

I had this crazy idea. I want to start my own Anti-Slavery Coalition. I'll delve more into that later. I'm on my second beer and can't really articulate the details accurately.

Anyhoo. There are the other things "in my head." My job and school situations. Our budget. Being a newlywed. Going to LA next week, just to name a few. Long story short, all of this added up to a huge wart in the shape of worry in my mind. I tried to downplay it, but didn't succeed. I was so distracted and focused on myself I ended up being a real jerk to Jermaine Matthew and Sadie Maria.

Let's not get into the nitty gritty. Let's just say I screwed up and call it a day. One of the very worst parts about me is that I have a tendency [if left unchecked] to take out my stress on those closest to me.

They were very gracious and forgave me almost instantaneously. I am undeservingly blessed.

This is ending up a bit on the long side and I want to cut it off soon. But I wanted to add that the day ended with an amazing church service called Frontline; a wonderfully generous rambling mother, really good friends, great conversation, an apologetics Bible and Dogfish Head Beer.

It doesn't get any better than this, folks. Praise Jesus.

Lazy Saturday Blog

"I write to find out what I'm thinking about." - Edward Albee

I've kept a quote book since I was about 14 or 15. I don't really add much to it anymore. It contains mostly phrases that struck me hard when I a sweet [and silly], naive teenage girl. Quotes like:

"I shall have more to say when I am dead." - Edwin Arlington Robinson from the poem "John Brown"

"The more particular, the more specific you are, the more universal you are." - Nancy Hale

"I don't want to be normal like you." - Everclear

"Violence s something only for people who have run out of good ideas." - Doug in Doug: The Movie

These were the words that shaped my formative years. Wait . . . are your teenage years the "formative" years? Well, whatever. You know what I mean.

That first quote has always rang so true for me. Like today. I have no idea what this blog is going to be about [even though I'm halfway through]. I just started it to see what was going to happen.

It's been a long time. I never blogged about the wedding. I'm sorry. It was simply fabulous. If you weren't there you missed something amazing. If you were there you are probably a little bit ticked at me right now because I have yet to write one thank you card.

All in good time. All in good time.

I'm feeling very speculative today. I was just reading Ending Slavery by Kevin Bales, so that may be why. I read and I think, what can I do? I want to do something! I'm not a teacher. I'm not a doctor or a nurse. I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a lawyer. I am certainly not a musician. These professions are so needed in the abolitionist movement and I am not gifted in any of these areas. What the flip can I do?

Today it hit me. In a still small whisper like a ton of bricks, "A voice." I'm a voice.

I guess I've known this for quite some time. Perhaps it seems like I'm all over the board. I certainly want to be and do a lot of things. But I am clear in my gifts. I'm a writer, a reader, a speaker and a salesman. And I make a great first impression [most of the time]. I think God is all about using the gifts I do have [and the nagging annoying passionate nature I possess] in the fight against human trafficking. And I'm excited.

Man, this week has been a whirlwind [is that one word or is it hyphenated?].

I quit my job at Red Robin. And I started a new job as an At Home Consultant with The Body Shop [think girlie stuff for nature-loving hippies]. Right now it's all about building up my business and dealing with rejection because, you know, everyone hates a salesman [sorry to be so gender-specific but "salesperson" and "saleswoman" are just too long].

It's cool though. Many things I love put me in line for rejection [Jesus, acting, sales, writing, public-speaking]. I really should get over it. I think that it may be one of those life lessons God is teaching me about right now [at such a time as this].

This week has been full of second guessing myself, depression, thanking God and feeling blessed. It's had extreme highs and lows. I'm over the lows [at the moment]. Yesterday was a high and I wanted to share.

My friend Valerie had a GNO [Girls Night Out - a Body Shop party] for me to help me get my business started. We prepped all day. We bought fantastic food from Trader Joe's and denied ourselves food [because we were so wrapped up in preparing we forgot to eat]. We bonded and giggled and made stupid jokes. We rushed and ran and hurried. The excitement is the best part. We finally finished just as the clock struck 7pm. Our first guest arrived! I was excited and nervous - only a few more minutes and then . . .

. . . no one else came. WTF? She was bummed. And pissed. And she's got a bit of a temper. In the training videos I was told that if I didn't care [that not a lot of people showed up] then the host would be put at ease. And honestly, I didn't care. The friend that had arrived was really chill and I was having fun with them. I just like people.

But, I was pissed for her. Because ten or so people had RSVPed that day and said they would be there. How rude! [a la Stephanie Tanner].

Finally, we were like, "Screw them, let's pamper our feet." It was a foot spa party, by the way. And so, I began and the mood lightened. The spas are really nice and you can't help but relax whilst soaking aching toes.

I had just finished my shpeel and was about to move on to the body butter portion of the evening when lo and behold, another guest showed up.

And then another.

And then two more.

Yeehaw!

Now, I feel compelled to add that one of the guests was a boy [her brother, in fact]. I add this because he absolutely made my night. He was all about a foot spa! Loooved it.

The evening ending up being filled with more giggles and guffaws then the day leading up to it had held. It turned out to be a fabulous debut for me and a welcome treat for everyone involved. I mean, I think, at least. They seemed to like it. I didn't go around asking people if it had been a treat or anything. Whateve.

The point is it was goood. It was real good.

So I know I have written far too much. I only have one more thing to add: I might be going on a pilgrimage [another one of those sacred disciplines] with an amazing group of girls whom I am blessed to have as friends! Sweet, right?

Yeehaw. Praise Jesus.