Prayer Request

Editor's Note: I started another blog on the Radiant Magazine website about the 24-7 prayer project I'm working on. I've copied and pasted my latest entry below. (: Oh, and for more information on this movement, check out 24-7prayer.com.

I'm sad to say that this is only my second blog post. I hope to flood the blogwaves in the next few weeks. I set out over a month ago to hone in on my journey through 24-7 prayer. But, the last month of school really got the better of me, leaving virtually no time for blogging fun [or for 24-7 prayer planning):]. School is over. Alleluia!

But . . .

. . . today has been racked with emotions. Our launch date for 24-7 prayer is in two short weeks and I am not even close to where I planned to be at this point. I'm really struggling. I want to give it all to God but I don't know exactly how to do that. How do I find the balance between letting God and still completing the proper leg-work?

I want to offer up some prayer requests, but first, let me back up. I suppose an explanation is in order. What is the 24-7 prayer movement, why are we participating and what is the meaning of life?

Okay, the last question may be a little too large in scope for this blog. Let's just stick to the basics.

A couple of years ago, right before I moved to Maryland [near DC] from Charlotte, NC, I came across a book called Red Moon Rising. It turned out to be one of those life changing books that smacks you in the face when you're least expecting it. Author Pete Greig, the founder of this whole crazy sexy cool prayer movement*, details his journey in an amazingly thoughtful and articulate way. I can't pretend that I'll do as good a job as he did, but I'll sum it up as unclumsily as possible.

We all know that the idea of prayer is ancient. You may or may not know that that the concept of praying 24 hours a day 7 days a week nonstop is very old, too. In fact, the most recent example [before this one] began in 1727 with a group of Moravian kids and lasted 125 years! And if you know anything about prayer then I don't have to explain the wonderful miraculous stuff that came out of that movement. It was pretty freaking awesome.

Well, as you may have guessed, God is doing it again. It started in Chichester, England right before the turn of the century. And it's still going strong. Right now, as I type, 72 groups in 16 different countries are immersed in prayer. Pretty cool, huh?

From the moment I heard about 24-7 prayer, I have longed to be a part of it. For the past three years, God has kept the idea lodged in the back of my mind, waiting for the perfect opportunity to push it forward.

And now, the Creator of the universe has done just that. Not only do I get to be a part of a week of 24-7 prayer, I get to help plan and lead it from start to finish. Wow. God is so so good.

But, as big a blessing as this is, I am overwhelmed with feelings of unworthiness and doubt. I fear I may have waited too long and screwed up the planning phase. I am afraid we'll never be able to pull it off now.

My husband, Jermaine, says I have a gift for pointing out the negative. That sucks.

I've been staring at the computer screen for the past couple minutes. I was about to present my prayer requests and I just realized that I didn't fully explain the logistics of how a week of 24-7 prayer works. I can't figure out exactly where to put it, so I've decided to shove it here. Let me know how that works for you.

It's pretty simple, really. It starts with a room. This room you take and you fill with good God things. You keep in mind that God was The Original Artist and so you let your imagination run wild. With prayer and thoughtfulness the room ends up chock full of these sort of things:

• journals
• all kinds of paper and art supplies
• big comfy couches
• a guitar or a keyboard
• a huge map of the world
• candles
• coffee
• Nooma videos
• A Bible
• books
• post it notes to write the names of the lost
• "stations" for confession, intercession, communion, etc . . .
• toys for children that will evoke thoughtfulness and joy
• anything else God puts on your heart

While you prepare the room, you simultaneously prepare the people who will fill it. They will be signing up for hour long sessions. So, for example, I'll take 2pm, you'll take 3pm, and so on. And then, we learn about prayer. We study Bible passages on the subject, we read books about prayer [a few of my favorites: God Is Here by Steve Case and The Divine Hours by Phyllis Tickle], and, of course, we pray. We learn that not all prayer puts us on our knees with our eyes closed while we talk toward the ceiling. Poems, music, reading, silence: all of these things can be done while praying, and this is not a complete list, but rather simply a good place to start.

While we learn, momentum starts to build, and so then you bust out the sign up sheet. People are so excited that they practically run to put their names on that piece of paper. And it only gets better once they show up for their appointment with God. A hour in the prayer room seems like ten minutes. People love it so much that they don't want to stop. And so a week becomes two and two weeks becomes a month. It's all so magical!

At least, it was in my head. This is the way I maticulously planned it all out. While I planned. I prayed that God would have his way through this entire process. I must say, his way is not how I would have done things.

But, you know how that goes. It never is, is it?

Here we are two weeks before launch. We haven't created a prayer room [though we do have a room and it does have big comfy couches]. Because of poor planning we had to launch sign up last week without a sign up sheet and needless to say, no one has signed up [well, that's not completely true - I did]. And though I've been studying prayer [and maybe others on an individual level] we haven't had a cohesive study as a congregation about prayer [we did have one small meeting, though, and it went fabulously].

Okay, reading this through, makes me realize that my husband might have been right [I hate it when that happens (:]. He said it probably wasn't as bad as I was making it. And besides, even if we don't fill a week with prayer, it will probably still be more than we have all prayed in a very long time [or perhaps ever]. So, in that sense, it can't "fail".

On that note, I offer up to you my prayer requests. Thank you in advance for your prayers. You can't begin to imagine how much we appreciate them.

Please pray:

• For me, Jermaine and Dwayne as we lead this project
• That God completely has his way and gets all the glory
• For all of the participants, that they will experience true joy while praying
• That we can fill a week with continuous prayer
• That we won't get discouraged when it gets difficult
• That this will be a uniting time for our multi-generational congregation
• Anything else that God puts on your heart

Again, thank you.

One more thing: if you live in the DC metro area and feel compelled to sign up, then please do! Or, for that matter, if you live far away and want to join us, woo-hoo! We could probably even find you a free place to stay [and, I would lovelovelove to bake you cookies (:].

The week of prayer is set to launch at 2pm on Sunday January 4th and continue until the following Sunday [the 11th] at 2pm. If you want to sign up for anytime during that week, please email me at brandyglows@gmail.com.

And thank you for reading this blog.

*I am so happy that I got to use the words "sexy" and "prayer" in one sentence. Amen.

The List

I am constantly making lists. I'm a lister. Which is different from being a listener. But, I try to be that, too.

I'm done. Oh, praise Jesus, I'm finally done with this wretched semester. A month of freedom [well, sort of [please see the following list]. I wanted to write a blog. And I wanted to make a list of all of the things I want/need to accomplish this winter break. Being multi-tasker by nature, I've decided to combine the two. Before I decided, I was entertaining the idea of making this blog a poem. So, what about a list poem!

We'll see how that goes.

The List

Stuff [mostly nonsensical] fills my head
Keeps me from my bed
And produces within me an unnerving sort of dread.
Sigh.
Why can't I
Still lie
Or is it lay [still]?
I always get confused.
So much to do -
I need to pack.
We are moving down the road
I need to clean, sort and trash my treasures
That are only precious by my measurement.
Our dog needs his shots.
Which reminds me
Our daughter is suffering badly.
the eczema is overwhelming.
It makes both of us cry.
But I tell her that it is going to be just fine
She informs me that, indeed, it is not
Her face is flushed and hot
I fight back razor-sharp feelings of guilt
And kiss her goodnight because
Her slumber eases both our pain.
I push back the shame
Of my past.
And focus on my present list
I must must must get a Maryland Driver's License
I know
It's a little bit ridiculous at this point, right?
Right.
I want to write
And spend 4 hours everyday enveloped in the written world.
I'll let you know how that goes.
I'm going to send out as many queries and articles
My little head can muster
Those that don't lack luster.
And use the word "glitter" poignantly
Because I like it.
Christmas cards and cookies
Must make it to the post office by Monday
Just another "Manic Monday
I wish it was Sunday"
Actually I don't
I'm glad to be here
Right now
In this moment
It glitters and bursts forth with possibility.
Oh, how I relish in the possible.
I am, of course, a hopeaholic.
No more meetings, tho.
Everyone needs a vice.
I will keep my hope, thankyouverymuch.
Regardless of whether she says "such and such"
She needs too much.
Or she doesn't need enough.
I can't remember which one.
One
More thing
to place on my list.
This one is so big it makes me nervous.
A prayer.
And then another
And then another
24 times 7
Equals the equivalent of heaven in the Woods
I will squelch those unhopeful thoughts
That we can't do this
Because we were born to do this.
So there:
A prayer.
A hurting child
Cookies and cards
Presents
Oh, I almost forgot presents!
Tis the season [to forget about presents]
Lots of writing
Proof that I live in Merry Land
A clutter-free existence
And one cute cuddly furful Sebastian
Who needs to be shot
In the good way.

What I'm Thinking About

I'm tired. My 7 hour trip turned into a 91/2 hour long excursion [and most definitely brought out of me [much to my dismay] a little bit of road rage [like, honestly - there is no freaking car in front of you, why on earth do you feel it necessary to brake THAT much??! [and, okay, I know cops are just doing their jobs - they've got quotas, whateve - but SERIOUSLY, 95 has been a parking lot for the past 3 hours, do you really need to pull him over? That just makes the rest of us sad]]] .

Oh well. 91/2 hours is better than the time we accidentally drove to Tennessee. That took 12.

Hi. I've missed you. I attempted to blog a couple times while I was in Charlotte, but it never materialized. I had a wonderful week. Filled with great friends, family, food and shopping.

Shopping. It was so fun. I went to thrift stores and bargain shops with my bffs and my mom. Mom and I also perused a fantabulous outlet mall in Gaffney, South Carolina. Very nice indeed. Good good quality time, and because of the locales, I didn't spend very much money.

Buuuut, of course, as I'm sure you've surmised, I had to break my fast to get in on the shopping mania.

I had sort of decided before I left that I was going to take a leave of absence from my fast while I was on vacation [I had definitely decided it once I was out of town] - kind of a fast from the fast. I don't know if you're supposed to do that. I know rules and regulations end up making things woefully legalistic, but still. I don't know if it was okay. I feel at peace [I think]. I repented [and asked for God to reveal if I had sinned].

This is little off topic, but seems like a good time to bring it up - I hate the word "sin." I avoid it at all costs. I feel like, by typing that word, I am instantly alienating anyone reading this blog who does not share my beliefs.

Now, having said that, I should say that I think sin is very real and relevant to our lives. But, I think it's misused. And misunderstood. More than that, I think it skews [sp?] the focus. Instead of working out what to do to glorify God, we put our energy into deciding what not to do in order to save ourselves.

I think that's dangerous. And, quite possibly sinful. If I may use so bold a term.

It also bugs me that we have developed a sin-o-meter rating system. Murder and rape top the list. While gossip goes virtually unnoticed. I should mention that it equally bugs me that the Bible says that we should not rate sins. I've wrestled with this so much. The Bible says all sins are created equal. But what kind of God created a world where the horrific sin of molestation is equal to some girlie gossip?

I don't get it. And it used to keep me up at night. Most people who know me know that I'm ultra sensitive to the evils of gossip. But, still. The consequences of rape can mess up a girl for life, while that same girl may not be affected one iota from bit of juicy gossip spilled out about her love life [well [and however], I feel compelled to say, it may affect her tremendously, or, act as a straw to break her already-wounded back].

Consequences. Forgiveness. Guilt.

I haven't figured it all out yet[don't know if I'm supposed to]. But I think those three things are instrumental [like a piano to a Ben Folds].

I've sinned before [shocking, right?]. Every time the consequences were different. I got a DWI in 2004. I paid SO much for that mistake. I paid with my time and my money. I've lost jobs, among other things. But I met people in rehab, those whose one night of bad judgment had turned them into murderers. And so I know that I got off lightly. Because that could have just as easily been me.

I've sinned in others ways, too. I've lied. I've cheated. I've never been caught. I had to live with the knowledge of what I did, but the actual penalties were minuscule.

I have this sin that haunts me. I was a bad mom. For the first two+ years of my daughter's life I put my wants above her needs.

I've repented so many times. But, still, I start to cry at the very thought. The other day I held the newborn of a very close friend. Then, out of nowhere, I just burst into tears. Instantly I was transformed back into that 20 year old girl, scared and selfish, terrified of making a fatal mistake. And in the meantime, making dozens daily.

I didn't know until that moment the long term consequences of my actions. Yes, I have been forgiven. God is so good. And despite my inadequacies, the Lord has filled me with hope, peace and love [and blessed me with an absolutely amazing little girl]. But the guilt still haunts me. And though I know that guilt is not helpful in the least, I can't seem to get rid of it.

I know I can. With God, all things are possible [cliché, though very true].

But it's difficult. And I get the feeling there will be a lot of work involved. And that's okay. I'm up for it.

This sin-o-meter. It must have something to do with consequences. And forgiveness. And guilt.

Maybe not necessarily in that order.

We ask and God forgives. But we rate because we face the consequences. We feel the guilt. And it hurts.

So, who knows. I don't. I don't get how sins are equal and I don't get how they're not. But God saw our mistakes and felt our hurt and instead of condemning us, sent Jesus to live and dwell and weep with us. With us. The Creator in communion with the creation.

This gives new meaning to the term "relational." To "communion." And, to "sin."

Oh dear.

One of my favorite quotes is, "I write to find out what I'm thinking about." [Joan Didion]

I would have never guessed that this what what I was thinking about. I thought I was just tired.

Oh well. Good. Fine. Okay.

Happy Sunday!

[Editor's note: that beautiful windblown picture [a candid shot taken outside of Moe's Restaurant in Charlotte, NC] was taken by our good friend/great photographer Daniel Berryhill. It was this picture that convinced us he would be the perfect person to photograph our wedding. He graciously agreed, and the wedding shots were just as lovely. I had to take this opportunity to sing his praises. (:]

The Third Way

I was supposed to be doing my homework. I yanked myself away from my big comfy bed and my sweet sexy husband to work on a stupid paper. Only to discover that it requires watching a movie I have no way of viewing on this blustery fall eve.

Sigh. Jermaine's 12 hour day has put him into a deep sleep. I could wake him, but he has to be up in less than 6 hours and it just seems cruel [though I'm sure he would quite disagree].

I have to be up early in the morning. It is the last full day before I venture out of town for a week and there is much [too much] to do [and now I must add watching a movie that I don't care to see and writing a 3 page paper on it [a paper I promised myself I would finish by tonight [too bad I didn't read the actual assignment informing me of the movie-watching mania [not-reading-the-assignmentitis is a horrible disease I am constantly afflicted with by the way [an immense shame considering it's preventable [oh - but thank God I read it tonight [instead of my usual habit of reading it for the first time the night before it's due]]]]]]].

So, all that to say that I'm going to be tired tomorrow. But a blog is worth missing some sleep. And I really want to share this blog with you. So, I'm going to kick back with my keyboard, my computer screen and a yummy Sam Adams Octoberfest [thank God again - that Octoberfest is still available] and share. Thank you [for letting me share].

I was given the extreme pleasure of preaching my very first sermon this past Sunday. For me this event was comparable to my wedding day [less presents, tho]. I loved everything about it. I loved the way it humbled me. I loved standing in front of a group of people sharing good stuff that God had shared with me. I loved preparing for it. I loved deciding on a topic [and changing my mind about a bazillion times]. I loved that some people were affected. I loved praying before, during, after. I just loved it.

I've felt a pull towards becoming a pastor for a while now. Shortly after I moved to Maryland, I think. And when I delve back into the first days of my Christian walk, I realize I felt it then, too [though I brushed it aside because I felt ridiculously, hopelessly, and completely unqualified [and I was [and I still am [but that's why I'm sure now]]].

This [I think] solidified it.

I've haven't met very many people who feel the way I do. Most pastors I know didn't set out to become that way. It just happened. Not me. I've always known my talents. Writing. Speaking. Reading. Teaching. Being on stage. I struggled with not knowing what I wanted to be when I "grew up" for years. In high school I had the vague sense that I wanted to be famous. Though I couldn't [and didn't try to] tell you what for. I also wanted to create and be Editor-In-Chief of my own magazine [I called it Gypsy Blood - though in hindsight that's not a very good name]. I wanted it to showcase all the underground good stuff in the world [my examples at the time were - 1) The exciting underground DC rap scene, and, 2) Little League coaches]. In high school I was also heavily involved in theatre - a trend that continued for the next several years, well into college [and - I would say - in some ways still continues to this day]. As a result I've entertained more than two [more than, like, 1000] thoughts that my famousness would be a result of a future stellar acting career.

But, you know how the story goes - first came the drugs. And then the baby. And then there wasn't time for anything else [I couldn't even make it into college [let alone establish myself as a famous person]].

I've never wanted riches. Fame has always been my Achilles Heel.

While I was Wild Brandy, I believed [very passionately] that I was meant to be a rapper. I was enthralled by Eminem [and still am] and thought that maybe I could be the female version. I worked very hard on my raps. They were really bad. I had lost a good number of brain cells at that time and sadly, it showed in my writing.

When I became a Christian two things happened [though not at the same time]. First, I decided to write lyrics about good God stuff. Second, I met Jermaine, and he introduced me to The Greats [Lauryn Hill, Black Thought and The Roots, NAS, Ahmad Jones, and countless others I can't think of at the moment].

Two more things happened. First, I wrote my very first song. People loved it. Some of you know this. I performed it at a bunch of churches in Charlotte. I got to stand up in front of 5000 people [at Forest Hill Church [not all at one time, by the way [one big church, two or three services]] and "rap." That was to date the closest I've ever come to the fame I crave. The pastor of that mega church [the one where I was a only a humble housekeeper] wrote me a note praising my performance. So did one of the coaches of a big time Charlotte sports team [sorry - I can't remember which one [sports is really really not my thing]. And, to top it off, Anthony Hamilton's manager approached me about signing a record deal.

I'm not even kidding.

But, like I said, two things happened. And the second was that I was made to realize that this was not the path I was supposed to take.

That was so painful.

Let me just say that I'm not ruling out a rap career. With God all things are possible. And if He calls me there again I am SO there.

But He hasn't yet. And I do feel another call. And this call takes all the talents I've known about for years and weaves them together into this beautiful tapestry. And, at the same time, it takes all the weaknesses I've also known [and obsessed about] for years and places me in an arena where it's not only okay to share them, but it's good and healing - not only to myself, but to others as well.

I want to be a pastor. And that's what He's called me to be.

Oh My.

I have gone so totally off track. I was planning on writing about what I actually preached about [which was, I should add, The Myth of Redemptive Violence and The Third Way [the way of Jesus]].

Another night, I guess. Because it is definitely bedtime.

I need to add one more thing before I go, though.

Satan is attacking [much like as he did at time of my short-lived rap career].

In the past three days, one of my friends [who is like a brother to me] was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Another miscarried a child that she and her husband had been waiting for a very long time. Another found out that her boyfriend [of three years] has been unfaithful.

These have been staggering blows. To me and to my loved ones. I cry with my friends and I cry out to God on their behalf. I lament. And scream. And whimper. And ask to be held. And ask that they be held even closer, even tighter, even more secure by our Abba Father.

I ask, with every fiber in my being, that you do the same. And I thank you for doing so.

At the same time, God is presently teaching about gratitude. The days leading up to these recent events have been spectacular. Filled with many blessings and I thanked God for as many as I could articulate. And I want to stop there. But, He is teaching me to give thanks in all things.

I heard a story the other day. Two women in a concentration camp in World War II. They were reading the Bible shortly after they arrived and the particular passage said that we should be thankful for all things. At first, one of the women absolutely refused to be thankful for the fleas that infested their barracks. The other protested until finally the first relented and together they both thanked God for the fleas. Weeks passed. They found that they could hold Bible study with little to no interruption from the guards. They thanked God for this too. Eventually they found why. It seems that the guards did not want to enter the barracks because of the fleas.

I choked a little today when the thought of being thankful for these recent and horrible events popped into my head. I did not want to thank God for them.

But I trust Him. And I love my friends who are hurting. So I did. I don't know why. I don't understand. But I think that's okay. And I know God has a plan.

Good night.

Lots and Lots

[Editor's Note: I just took the exam to become an aerobics intructor. The first two pictures are Sadie, covered in stickers, helping me remember my bones and muscles [another brilliant idea from Jess]. The last picture is Sadie's very scary flower fairy Halloween costume.]

I'm busy. I'm really really busy. There is a lot going on in the next few days and weeks. I need to stay focused and not waste time.

But, I really want to share some of the events of the past week. And, I really really wanted to share the correlating pictures.

So, I'm gonna. And I'm going to try not to dawdle. So I can soon return to the huge pile of homework that's sitting next to the computer waiting for me.

Where to start? Hmm, well, I broke my fast. Ugh. On Halloween. Jermaine and I bought Mcdonalds. I tried to pretend that it was okay because he really wanted it [and it was not me egging us on [as it usually is] even though it was still my idea]. But, a couple days later I bought Pizza Hut. Then later I "forgot" to pack my lunch for school and so I bought a tuna melt. And then a couple days after that I did it again and bought Chick-Fil-A.

Wowsers.

Now, part of the buying was because I wasn't sure how to proceed after breaking the fast. Do I just continue? Stop and recommit? Forget it completely and go back to my normal life of buying too much stuff [my bank account can't handle that option]?

I didn't know what to do, but as you can see, it kept escalating.

And then my friend Jess asked a question that I deemed brilliant [she termed it "silly", but I think she's pretty silly herself]. She asked, "Have you prayed and repented?"

Woah!

No.

And so I did.

And now, a couple days later, I think I have a working answer. I think God does want me to recommit. I also think I may need to redefine. And that list will be more thoughtful and less spontaneous than the last.

Yay God.

There is more, but I've decided to stop there and get back to the grind.

Wish me luck.

Caffeine Free

Oh man.

This had better be good [I keep telling myself]. It's been far too long.

I've been wanting to write, but situations and circumstances have not allowed for such a luxury. It makes me sad. But, that's okay. Here I am.

I'm tired. I gave up caffeine. Yikes. One week today, actually. The first day was the worst. I spent the entire day crying or in bed or both. I'm embarrassed to say that we had company for part of the day. I'm sure it wasn't as bad as how I remember it in my head, but I'm still pretty mortified. The worst part was that I had no idea I was that addicted. Admittedly, I did potentially make it worse on myself. I didn't sleep much at all the week prior and then the day before I stayed good and caffeinated. I thought I was giving myself one last good go-round. But, instead I sabotaged my sanity and really tried the patience of my devoted and loving husband [my, he's a good good guy].

Presently, I am worn out. But drinking coffee now would [just about] make last weekend's hell futile.

So, I'll settle for root beer and decaf herbal tea. And I'll thank God for the prayers of good friends, without which, I know I would have never made it this far.

--------

That's not the only thing I gave up this past week. But, this next thing is a fast, and so I suppose I am not supposed to share. But, if you dive back into the depths of my blog, you'll find that this isn't the first time I've attempted it. And though I haven't kept you updated on the status of this particular venture, I am now about the reveal how miserably I've failed thus far.

And so, in announcing this fast, I am, in addition, announcing one of my supreme weaknesses. And I think that is what makes the first announcement acceptable and somewhat necessary.

Yeah, so. Now would be a good time to stop rambling about and actually divulge what it is.

I'm giving up [again] spending money on non-essentials [for a spell].

And before I go any further, I must must must refer to my friend Amie's incredibly inspiring comment regarding her adventures in this particular art:

YOU MUST MAKE A LIST OF NECESSITIES AND NON-NECESSITIES! Otherwise you will always cheat yourself and your bank account.

Here is mine.

I cannot buy:
Clothes
Books : (
CDs
Shoes
Housewares
Make up
Jewelry

I can buy:
Food
Presents
Lingerie (blush)

Anything not on those lists I pray about if I think about buying it. And if I need further help deciding I call Daniel. Also, if I am having a moment of weakness and am about to buy something I shouldn't I call D and he talks me into putting it down and walking out of the store. Actually, it hasn't come to that quite yet.

Another helpful hint is this:
DO NOT GO TO TARGET.
I repeat:
DO NOT GO TO TARGET.

They are good at what they do. They sell really cute stuff. Just stay away. Stay at home. Write a letter. Go for a walk. Do anything other than go into that store.

I have just been inspired to create my own lists. Here goes:


I cannot buy:

books
clothes
shoes
food from a restaurant
drinks from a restaurant
housewares
jewelry


I can buy:

The Divine Hours
Makeup [on an as needed basis]
craft materials to make gifts [preferred]
store-bought gifts

She has this wonderful comment where she says that when she has a weak moment she calls her husband and he talks her out of buying the item in question. I felt so comforted, I can do that, I thought. Then I read further to where she explains that it hadn't come to that yet. Blah.

Sigh. Well, I still can do that. And I probably will have to. Because shopping [and, more specifically, eating out] is an addiction for me. It's a pacifier. But, it makes me sick to my stomach because it pretty much goes against everything I claim to be about. And I know it. Deep down in the tender spots of my soul I know that I can't be crucified with Christ and simultaneously buy anything my little heart desires.

And if that wasn't motivation enough, I just found out that my mom works overtime to help us pay our bills. It was jaw-dropping and gut-wrenching to discover her generous sacrifice.

And it hurt.

It hurts when you see how your various addictions affect others.

But it's motivation, too. Because if I'm really about dying to myself and letting Christ live in me, then, golly, this has got to have something to do with what that's all about.

Supposed To.

I was supposed to read the first volume of Jane Austen's Emma for my Women's Lit class tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, I didn't bother to check the syllabus until this evening, so . . . yeah. That's not going to happen. I made it through the first 3 chapters [there are about 15]. The pages of the book are filled with big words and tiny print. I like it enough, but it is not what I would call an easy read.

Twilight, however, is. And because it is so I've made it more than halfway through the book in less than two days. I was very satisfied with myself for doing so until I sourly realized all of the homework I'd so irresponsibly left undone. Besides the book, I have nothing short of fifty pages to read for another class and 20 more in a third. And this is just for Monday, I have yet to begin the hundreds of pages of catch-up reading that I couldn't do until last Monday [when I was able to get my books] and then didn't do after that.

I shouldn't complain. I know it's my own doing. And I don't mind the reading, rather, I enjoy it. But being that it is still so early in the semester and my classes are reading intensive [and sometimes not much else] I lack the penalties [for now] to make me motivated.

My hope [and prayer] is that I get on with the reading [regardless of what I want to do] and catch up before the unpleasant consequence of any large test.

I think Ms. Austen and Ms. Meyer are affecting my writing [in a rather random and regal way].

I know it doesn't really go with the tone of this blog, but I wanted to post some cheerleading pictures of Sadie.

She's just so darn cute.

One more thing, before I retire [lame, but fitting this current mood], my last few entries have been very "me-centered." This is more of a mental note to myself, to write about the needs of someone besides me.

Okay. Two more things. Jermaine found this Fabulous site called fitday.com. It's seriously very helpful in the fight against the almighty pound[s]. You can keep track of your intake, your activities, your moods. You can plan a goal weight and date and it will calculate exactly how many calories you need to eat [or not eat] to lose it in that time frame. You can keep a journal, customize foods [and nearly everything else], and it breaks down all the difficult to keep track of stuff [vitamins, nutrients, carbs, protein, fat, etc.]. Very cool. Definitely a thumbs up.

Goood stuff.

G'night.