Friday, December 4, 2009

December 4th

31 Days of Jesus - Beautiful Interruption

Sorry I didn't write earlier. I got an idea yesterday for what I wanted to do today and I got really excited about it. But, then . . . well, today has just been so hard. I decided to hold off on that idea and pick an exercise that I did this afternoon in an act of sheer desperation.

Day 4 - praying for what you need.

I was at this Bible Study in Charlotte about a month ago called the Kiln. We were talking about simplicity and specifically loving God simply. One of the girls mentioned how good and wonderful and okay it is to pray for what you need. It really struck me because I have a tendency to feel guilty if my prayers are focused on me. I feel like I'm being selfish, that I should really be praying for others.

I had what Andrea calls a "mini-meltdown" earlier today. Suddenly and unexpectedly, while on the phone with Jermaine, tears just started streaming down my face. His whole unemployment situation, I feel like it just grinds on me little by little everyday. It wore me down until today I broke.

I felt really fragile all day. School is stressing my out and my back is still hurting [not as much, but it hurts when I sit - so the hour long commute, and sitting for class and homework [the only three things I'm required to do daily] all end up being really uncomfortable]. These things, combined with the stress of Jermaine's unemployment, just had me feeling really vulnerable.

I feel like I'm done. I'm ready to move past this point in our lives. And I feel so helpless. What can I do to help him find a job? It's sort of been all wrong from the start. I've struggled with depression, anger and trust issues with God. I haven't been as supportive of Jermaine's way of doing things as I feel I should be. I know, on some level, that the trials we're facing are really imperative to our spiritual growth, but man, I just don't feel strong enough to go through it anymore. And, what's more, I know God has the ability to give me the strength, but I don't want it. I just this to be over.

I had to go over to our friend's house today. They have been insanely generous to Jermaine and I since both of our cars have been in the shop. We got one of them out today so I was driving over to their house to give them back their vehicle. As I was walking up to their door I just got this feeling - I needed to pray with someone! I'm not strong right now. That much is obvious. I needed someone else to be strong for me for a little while. So when she opened the door I just totally spilled my guts [and interrupted whatever she had been doing at the moment]. I asked if she would pray for me. I don't know her really well, so I guess you could say this was the most intense conversation we'd ever had.

But it was beautiful. And as she prayed for Jermaine and I, her toddler ran around reeking havoc in the living room. I loved it. I was intensely grateful that she would allow my interruption and, I think, she felt blessed to have the opportunity to help me in that way.

So, that's basically it. Jermaine didn't get a job today but I was able to make it through the rest of the day - and that in itself is sort of a miracle. And so, for today, or whenever you read this, take a few moments to access your needs. And then, either with a friend or on your own, lay them out before the Lord. I'm learning how much he cherishes these beautiful interruptions.



AbominableAmie said...

Gosh, Brandy. I'm loving this. And you. And your vulnerableness. I NEEDED this blog post today. So thank you.

brandyglows said...

Gosh, Amie. You're welcome. I'm so freaking glad. :) I love you, too.